Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Delulu

She’s not expecting to stay on. But she needs time to move out.

Even landlords have to give tenants notice! You can’t just chuck someone out!

I’m glad the fucker is destabilised. He should have bought a property he can afford himself instead of expecting to be financed.

I do wonder if, when he realises he’s up shit creek, he starts to back pedal/propose etc

From what you’ve said I can’t see you going back, but I’m sure it’ll be really satisfying watching him squirm (although I do feel deeply sorry for his kids - imagine having that as a father?)

He absolutely is the bad guy. He wants OP to keep paying the entire mortgage even if he dies and even then he only wants the equity to go to his kids. That’s bad guy behaviour.

He doesn’t have much of an asset, he has a house that he can’t afford without OP paying more than half of all the household bills (mortgage, bills etc).

He is selling up and likely only has a few measly years of equity.

This is not about you! You have projected all over this thread!

This is such patronising guff. <shudder>

Except for the fact that children are involved and their worlds are now shite.

Nobody is glad about that, but the op is rightly protecting her children.

My previous post to that one did say it was weird to expect the OP to continue to pay the mortgage in those circumstances.

Since that post I made the OP told us that her XP is in the Police so he has a good life insurance which would pay off a portion, if not all, of the remaining mortgage. Also as he is leaving everything to his children, it would be up to them to pay off the mortgage from whatever money that is left to them, or by selling the property, or they themselves continue to furnish the mortgage. Should anyone take on paying the mortgage then they may have the right to a claim on that regardless of what his will says.

All this is assuming there is no prior legally bound arrangement in place where the OP has agreed to pay it on his childrens behalf. I make that assumption because the OP has rightfully refused to do so.

The whole mortgage thing on his part was obviously not something he has bothered to find out about.

At no point in any post I have made here has suggested his views on the OP paying the remaining mortgage upon his death is in any way reasonable.

He wouldn't have got a mortgage if he couldn't afford it at the time. As the OP has already explained, interest rates have gone up, it has become unaffordable.

It is not uncommon, sadly lots of people have found themselves in the same boat.

God I hope you get this place! You sound amazing! You have taught your kids to be resilient and I bet you prove to be much more resilient than you think once you get the F out of this horrible man’s house. I bet he’s surly because he’s been rumbled. These guys always want to be the hero/knight in shining armor archetype. Reality has proven him to be quite the opposite. He doesn’t want his own image of himself to be seen publicly. It’s far too painful.

You can if they have no legal position to stay.

You can even remove some people who do have legal position depending on the circumstances.

@Tellysavelas

I just wanted to add to the above post that in 2 of my posts that have not been quoted, I have sent the hope that the OP and her XP can talk calmly and that he will allow the OP time to find a place.

I clicked post button too quickly.

Everything crossed for you @Everythingwillbeokk that you get this rental property!

He wants her to pay his mortgage so his children have something to inherit, while she'll be homeless and her children have nothing to inherit. How is that 'not unreasonable'?

Oh will you shut up? No one wants you on this thread. Got and get some therapy for being such an insufferable miss perfect

If you do plan on staying then I strongly suggest you get a solicitor to draw up an agreement of cohabitation agreeing that should you separate the value of your equity is owed back to you. Then his house is still available to his children on his solo mortgage but you have some return on your investment in the property also.
this is precedent in Scotland and generally cohabitation agreement are upheld in court, less so in England and wales but still possible.

OP you're amazing. I hope the house works out. I'm just so sorry you're going through this.
He's a pathetic man.

Good luck with the house. Go in hard and fast. The market is really competitive atm because a lot of landlords have pulled out of the rental sector.

I'm sure his heart is broken that the OP is not prepared to pay the mortgage on his death, be allowed to live in the house for a brief period, and then hand over the house to his children. Who wouldn't be heart broken that she wouldn't go along with this - I mean she's either paying the mortgage or she's biffed out of the house with nothing? She and her children inherit nothing and are left homeless. That part doesn't seem to bother him at all.

He's not so heartbroken that he's prepared to marry her either.

I'd have the same level of compassion for his current plight that he would have for her being left homeless and penniless. If he wants to go it alone, she is merely letting him get on with it. OP did not force him to buy a house in his own name which he is unlikely to be able to afford. OP did not force him to neglect to save some money for a rainy day and she was in fact contributing to the household and enabling him to pay the mortgage.

Even if he came crawling back, I'd be utterly done with him.

Good morning all - I’m think I’m feeling a little bit better today. I think finding a potential property has given me a little bit of focus. I’ve not woken up crying.

In terms of him expecting me to pay the mortgage on his death - he has said (but never proven I will add), that his Will states I have a lifetime interest in the property, and that I would be paying the mortgage to continue to live there - he said ‘you would be paying rent anyway’ - one I have always been clear on (as much as his view on marriage) is that I need to be an owner or joint owner of a property and actually the idiot has very clearly failed to realise he would have been in a far better financial position, with a better home for his children had he done that with me

So yes, his life insurance, pension payment etc is always going to his kids - not with the agreement that they will need to pay off the mortgage.

One thing I considered - and I’m just being honest here - but how much I would feel nothing but pure anger for him and utter resent for his children if all this happened, that he died and they get everything. And they don’t deserve that either as it’s him who has caused this. So yet another reason for me to leave, I don’t ever want to feel that way.

His excuse has always been that I will inherit 50% of my mums estate - I’ve always explained to him that you can never ever guarantee your parents estate. I mean for all we know mum could require care for a prolonged period of time, she could also decide to leave her entire estate to a cats home. I have no guarantee to her estate, but you should always have security in your old age in the home you live in, this is the difference

On an even further note - everything crossed for this property - the rental cost of it would mean I can still reasonably continue to save for a deposit, if I’m careful quite possibly to the tune of around £800-£1k a month. God I bloody need this.

An absolutely grand example of his selfishness is on holiday last month, he absolutely flatly refused to let me sit on the window seat on the plane. I know it sounds childish, but it’s always either one of the kids or him sat at it, I just wanted to sit there for once and not be squeezed between people and no clear armrest

Then it ended up being an unbelievably clear view most of the flight - I love seeing things like that. I was mega uncomfortable reaching over him to look out of the window for the entire flight duration. There was no offer of swapping seats to let me look for a bit, nope.

Again it happened on the way back - so I put my headphones in and watched downloads on my phone instead.