Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

You should have left a long time ago. He sees you as impotent ~ she says she wants marriage and stability, but she moved in with me anyway. Clearly she doesn't mean what she says. Hopefully you will move out and live your own, lovely life. Onward and upward!

Sadness is to be expected when you are facing a major life change that you didnt really want. But today is another day to start your new life. Hopefully the agents will have property to look at.

I wouldnt stop doing things for his children but I would be restricting what I did for him. Your children will miss the other kids, although how much depends on whether they like them.

He needs your help - and your cash - at present so unless he gets a buyer quickly for his house he cant afford to force you out. He will want you gone when he has a buyer though.

You are doing the right thing, you will be fine.

Well done @Everythingwillbeokk , you are being strong , brave and decisive. I know it’s desperately hard when you are falling apart inside but just keep on keeping on.

It’s so hard when someone we loved very much and thought we were building a future with turns out to be a total bastard. The only consolation is that you found out before you married him or had kids with him . Some women ( like me ) are not so smart ☹️

Think I just need to take each day as it comes. I’ve had to go to work today - I’m a remote worker so it’s just a meeting I’ve had to attend. Ive that god awful heartbroken feeling in my tummy and my chest though. I just want to go to sleep and not have these thoughts going through my head. I need to stay angry at him, because it’s the only way I’ll get through it. My eyes look utterly dreadful. I feel like I’ve not slept. But I’m not allowing him to know how hurt I am.

Hes completely blanking me in the house though which is difficult but I suppose it is better than arguing. I’ve gone zero contact, as has he.

I think I just hope he can stay civil for the kids whilst I work out where we are going - I fully intend to continue my usual self with his kids and this morning with them has been no different. I’m not sure if his kids know yet either

Give yourself lots of grace and feel sad for a few minutes if necessary in the morning. Then take decisive physical action (like sit ups, a brisk shower, a quick set of jumping jacks) then get right into the move.

You are really having such a kucky escape. Its not like you are leaving a viable relationship with a wonderful person. You may have thought tgat is what this was evolving into but that was wrong. He is an absolute user of a person. He has been using you and keeping you too busy with an imitation of life to realize how far he was willing to compromise your security and happiness.

In Dorothy Sayer’s Murder Mystery Strong Poison the character Harriet Vane was, against her principles, in a years long public affair with her lover whose modern principles supposedly meant he wouldn’t marry her. After ruining her socially he offered her marriage but she turned him down because she realized what a farce he had made of her—that he really only wanted to see how low she would stoop for love of him.

This is your situation. You thought living together and sharing life was a sign of real respect and affection even without marriage. You thought—quite reasonably—that marriage was the next logical step. And despite all the mumsnet sophistry it is. If people love each other marriage and a serious legal bond makes caregiving and support easier. Often people even (gasp) want to do it in order to be that most important key family member, to be thr spouse and not an fwb.

But he didn’t look at you this way because that’s not who he is. Its not because of who you are. Its who he is. He lacks confidence in himself. So he can’t act like a man confident in a marriage. can’t enter into a marriage except by thinking of its inevitable disastrous end.

You are really lucky you can leave after only 5 years wasted. I am so sorry this has happened but honestly the only thing worse would be marriage with this cold fish.

@Everythingwillbeokk my best advice is to get out as soon as you can. I stayed in a house with an ex for months until we got it sorted and it was, hands down, the most horrible time of my life. If you can bail to a combination of your mum's and a rental do it.
He sounds horrible.

Very very best of luck. Thank goodness you now know his real thoughts!

💐@Everythingwillbeokk just came on to say I was reading yesterday but didn't post. I really admire your strength of character. You're not going to let him walk over you any longer. There are so many good things in your life: your children, who sound lovely, the fact that you have savings, you can drive and have a car, your mum, your judgement.

Am keeping everything crossed for you that you (all three of you) don't have to live under the conditions you're now in for very long. It won't do any of you any good mentally. I love your username. It shows so much positivity. Keep saying it to yourself. Everything will be. You have strength.

Honestly op, a sofa or blow up at your mums is fine.
The sooner you are out of there the better.

I think this is all an act to try to control you. He sounds beyond redemption. Thank your lucky stars you found this out now, lucky escape. Stay strong. You can do this and you are in the strong position, whatever, he may choose to try to make you believe.

Just remember, you’re heartbroken not at losing this man, but at discovering he isn’t worth keeping. The man you have lost is just the man you thought or hoped he could be…and that was never who this guy really is. You are worth so much more. Onwards and upwards, it will be when the first difficult stages have passed.

He’s not stringing her along. He’s been clear he doesn’t want to marry her, and that his kids come first.🤷‍♀️

I really feel for you. My ex h and I had a row last week and now he won't help empty the house and do tip runs as doesn't want to see me. We were together over 27 years and he already has a new woman two months after we divorce. The silent treatment is abusive. Stay strong. Tbh if you are near me you'd be welcome to stay with me as I room. Women have to stick together.

Blanking you is RAGE on his part! You have really messed up his life-plan and finances -by thinking for yourself and acting to ensure fairness.

Hang in there -keep thinking that this is the tough patch and things will get better for you.

Be ready for him to backtrack.

I was in a similar situation and my ex backtracked . The difference was that it was OUR house ( bought together just before we married ) and OUR children .

it took me 6 months to get everything in place as I had to change jobs as we worked together . For that 6 months he acted just like @Everythingwillbeokks ex, wouldn’t speak to me etc

Just as I was leaving, he announced that he had changed his mind ( about the issue that we were splitting up over ) . He said he has decided months ago but the wanted to wait until he felt I had been punished enough and had suffered enough .

He was really surprised when I didn’t fall into his arms again . During the divorce he kept saying that he had tried to reconcile and I was the hard hearted bitch who wouldn’t.

so he warned @Everythingwillbeokk . He might try to keep you to pay the bills for a few more months .

Not surprised that you feel wretched. It's a huge emotional and life upheaval and a lot to cope with. You haven't had much time to arrange things but I think it would be better for you to clear out and not stay there any longer as that is an additional strain on you with the whole shock of the situation, the sulking, the atmosphere of hostility and the threat that he would make it difficult for you. Better by far to be in an atmosphere of warmth and protection with your mother while you cope with the hurt and sort out somewhere to stay. You must look out for your own wellbeing at all times.

BirthdayRainbow's kind offer and comment that women must stick together reminded me that there is a facebook group for single mothers. You might be able to make contacts or get temporary shared accommodation or other help through that.

You sound like a rightful fool.

You sound like an illiterate twat.

Oh I could well see him back track as the potential disruption to his selfish life becomes apparent.

I really hope the OP isn't take in by such a manipulative using twat.

What does that mean?

"The way of a fool is rightful in his eyes; but he that is wise, heareth counsels" (Proverbs 12:15)

Fortunately for OP, she's changed her "way" and hearing counsel to dump the grasping twat.

I am sure you have already thought of this but please move any valuables, paperwork or special bits to your Mums just in case he decides to change the locks.

Good advice.

@Everythingwillbeokk I’ve been reading through this thread and wanted to say how resilient you are coming across.
I was/am in a kind of similar position (police made my ex leave in the end) but living in the house together was really awful.

You sound lovely and I’m so pleased you are in the fortunate position of having your own money to walk away. I really hope you are able to move on soon and that life gets better for you xx

This.

It’s been a very weird day. For the first time ever I just pulled off the motorway today on my journey home from my meeting (about 2 hours each way), and just sat in my car. It is a huge upheaval. I need to find a house - I’ve hunted early evening online and nothing. Need to ring letting agents. Added to my to do list for the morning.

I can’t eat - I know it’s stress/anxiety because of what I’m going through. Even weirder is my period started today 2 weeks early - thinking this is also possibly an extreme side effect of stress, albeit even a new one for me.

I’ve got a day in the house tomorrow by myself - which I think actually will be good as I don’t have to put a brave face on for anyone - so this is where I can start getting the important things together. There are things I can’t replace I have stored here so they will be the first to move

I don’t want to physically speak to people I know face to face - DD had a club tonight and usually there is a school mum I sit with. I ‘accidentally’ sat somewhere else - I feel like I’m going to cry and I’m determined to not break in public. I have a couple of friends that know what’s going on, they have checked in on me, and we’ve set it now that I’ll message them each morning to check in. Even if it’s just to say morning, and that I do still feel like crap.

Hes still very much ignoring me - I know it’s anger from him and he’s doing it to unsettle me.

What I do know will be really getting to him is that on the surface im ok - made an extra effort with hair, make up and my work outfit today, and made sure he saw. Kids have had a lovely home made meal, the house is organised. I’m putting on a show that I’m ok and that I’m not hurt, I won’t give him that satisfaction.