Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

You’re doing brilliantly. Proud of you. 💐

You're nearly there. You can get lots sorted tomorrow. I think you will soon be thinking you dodged a bullet, in not marrying him.
As soon as you find a property, you'll be feeling better. X

I admire your dignity and pride.

You will have an uphill few months but by the new year you will be in a much better place, mentally and practically.

You're doing great OP. Can the friends that know help you with househunting?

I would also see if they can ask around their networks to see if anyone has a place going empty or an annnexe that you could use in the very short term? I think there are often places like that that people don't want to formerly rent out but could help to tide you over.

I actually can’t believe it - there’s a house that’s just shown up for rent. Right area for the kids, price totally doable. I’ve enquired about it online but will follow up with a call tomorrow morning.

Ive got some spare time this week, I can potentially view it without him knowing. Wouldn’t it be just the perfect revenge though if he just came home one day, and I was gone!

I owe him nothing - he doesn’t need to know when or where I am going - and indeed once I am gone he really will struggle with his mortgage payment. He also has zero in savings so I know that he has nothing to tide himself over with - or even be able to replace furniture/home items I will be taking. He owns nothing in the kitchen for example.

@Everythingwillbeokk you are inspirational

Fingers crossed for tomorrow then OP!

Everything crossed for you. He's treated you terribly and you owe him nothing

The man's a fool.

Great about the house! Well done for getting on it so quickly (and for keeping your dignity and strength). I hope this one works out - but if not, finding one this quickly does suggest that there will be others.

He must be puzzled by your sense of your own worth at this time - and the way his refusal has not left you prostrate.

Yes to packing up without a word. A team of friends could help you do it in hours.

As you pack up the house -remember that he owes you and not the other way around. It is absolutely fair to take your own belongings even if he does not have replacements.

Absolutely this.

And take everything that's yours. He was happy to properly fuck you and you children over. So don't leave him a bloody tin opener if you bought it.

Oh the audacity that he'll have to fund himself now.

Best of luck on the house you've found.

And just keep it up. Him giving you the silent treatment, whilst unsettling, is much better than the alternative!

As far as doing a 'midday flit', it's amazing how fast things can get done with a couple of friends. We moved my BFF and 'her half' of her 3 bed 2 bath house in about 4 hours; 2 cars, 1 pickup, 2 women, & 2 teen boys. We threw anything unbreakable in bin bags (including pots, pans, & kitchen plastic), pulled drawers full of clothes and put them on the car seats rather than packing them. Clothes from the closets, towels, etc all bin bags. The only things that got properly packed were breakables. Her new cottage was a jumble of boxes, bin bags, and furniture with the drawers on the floor. I think it took her a good week to sort everything out, but she was free and that's what mattered.

Do get in a team of friends to help you pack as it takes ages on your own! Maybe stealth sneak bits to your mums that he won’t notice in advance - he could turn petty and start claiming some of your stuff is his!

I knew a case where a family turned up one morning without warning in a couple of vehicles at the home of a mother with children, packed up and took her and the children away. There was nothing the shocked husband or his family could do.

If you could plan to rustle up a couple of your friends or gather some from the facebook single mums' group, you could get out of there pretty quick. Which would be all to the good. Being free of him and free of the strain of the terrible atmosphere would be a massive relief.

Fingers crossed! Don't let him find out where you move to if you can help it. A fresh start would be for the best.

@Everythingwillbeokk Good luck love.

Good luck with the house! 💐

Why does the first comment so often miss the mark?! It set a shitty tone for the rest of the thread.

Of course he’s unreasonable, he wants OP to keep paying the entire mortgage even if he dies and even then he only wants the equity to go to his kids!

How is that at all reasonable?

Of course he’s unreasonable, he wants OP to keep paying the entire mortgage even if he dies and even then he only wants the equity to go to his kids!

How is that at all reasonable?

He hasn’t been clear, he’s only told her two days ago that he wants OP to keep paying the entire mortgage even if he dies and even then he only wants the equity to go to his kids.

He hasn’t been open and honest. He wants OP to buy his kids a house if he dies and her kids get nothing.

So how are you on 100% on the DP’s side? Did you understand what he was asking for when you said that? (I.e. that he wants OP to keep paying the entire mortgage even if he dies and even then he only wants the equity to go to his kids).

But she is paying more than him each month and doing the housework and running after his kids.

This is not an equal situation.

I think this needs repeating dozens of times until
his defenders get it - he wants OP to keep paying the entire mortgage even if he dies and even then he only wants the equity to go to his kids!

How is that at all reasonable?

Are you for real?