Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

My pleasure. I couldn’t keep consistently reading through all of their tripe and not say anything because frankly it was derailing and attempting to take away from the posts that have offered invaluable advice and support. I rather expect that was the aim but I wouldn’t say it’s a worthwhile use of your time to be giving that poster any more of your attention. They simply don’t deserve it.

You are taking all of the right steps to ensure that your children’s lives will be as stable as possible. It’s takes a lot of courage to accept that people and plans won’t always work out the way we had hoped and to be brave enough to know when to cut our losses and move on from them. Plenty of relationships break down for various reasons and with a mother as sensible and committed as you sound OP your children will thrive and be perfectly happy. No one knows your children like you do and they are remarkably resilient beings. Not only are you ring fencing their future, you are teaching them that as people they deserve to be treated with respect and in turn how they should treat others. You should be proud of yourself. I wish you the very best of luck. X

Because people never change their minds about the future? I think it is pretty normal to not want to get married again after being burned by a previous relationship. But it's also pretty normal to move on from that in time, especially when you meet someone else. The OP decided to give it some time and he indeed started to warm to the idea of marriage and buying a house together.

OP, he doesn't sound like a person who is prepared to discuss anything unless you just blindly agree with him.
After having your DC in the house for 3 years, he shows little compassion for them in his expectation that you should just get out. Its also an upheaval for his own kids who you have been caring for, so not much consideration for them by him either.
He sounds supremely selfish and sulky.
Many have said stop all bills and the car and food etc...
But I think you may have to play this carefully to keep buying yourself time for practicalities, even if it's just a week or two, whilst at the same time being prepared for a hasty exit if necessary, just in case all co-operation or allowing you entry to get your belongings might cease abruptly. This might mean taking a day or two off work to organise things and perhaps getting a friend or a "man with a van" on stand by to get what you can into storage. Changing any paperwork and setting up a post office referral to your Mum for eg make sure you still get your mail during the transition. Particularly getting the kids things - anything sentimental etc.. making sure you have both car keys etc. This all sounds like a difficult time for you, but you sound more than capable of moving away from this unhappy situation to a better one. Best of luck.

@Aquamarine1029 im a really nice person but I have my limits. I think you need to realise yours too - or at least know when you’re clearly just embarrassing yourself.

This is the exact plan - mums garage! I’ll get a storage unit for the bigger stuff that isn’t sentimental. Thank you x

thank you x

My DD and I had a brief coffee with an old friend of mine we bumped into today - it was lovely to see her giggling and happy. My kids are resilient though because I’m real with them - they know people, friends, even the people you love with your whole heart sometimes let you down. But I’ve taught them to be good friends - you don’t have to like everyone - but just be nice and that if you’re nice it comes back to you x

@Everythingwillbeokk

Honestly, you have your head screwed on right and are making all good moves. Although you know you don't want to go to Mum's (and I get it) I'd let her know what's going on just in case things turn unpleasant and you need to go.

Except, I don't think I'd attempt to talk to him about anything. What would be the point. He's not going to change who he is or what he thinks. You already know he's not going to make this 'easy' for you so honestly the less said between you, the better. If he's giving you the silent treatment, consider it a blessing in disguise and carry on bravely, doing what needs to be done. Once you've got your ducks in a row, then tell him "I'll be out in 24 hours" or whatever.

And as far as that poster criticizing your parenting, your kids will be fine because they have you and (as I said) your head is screwed on right. Many children have gone through much worse and have come out fine because their parents knew what to do. So that poster can go suck eggs.

For a week or a month maybe? Then she moves with her dc. He sounds like he expects her to pay it until they are adults and can take over their inheritance. All moot anyway hopefully as she is moving out asap and freeing herself of him.

You are absolutely obsessed and extremely rude to the OP. Its really not ok.

Asking you to ask your mum for your inheritance is a red flag and CF behaviour.
Good luck to him in the future.
He’s going to need it!

I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children.

Then he said as I don’t have the exact same figure in my savings as the equity on his property that he won’t be buying with me - despite me saying he can ringfence his deposit.

...he wants any future equity I contribute to go to his children only, even if we moved house, he would not want me to be on the mortgage and would always want it solely in his name. This is just where I draw the line.

The mortgage has gone up since his marital split - I do think him struggling to pay it was part of the reason he asked me to move in. But now it’s gone up even more, he definitely can’t afford it without me

There is also a time he honestly asked me to ask my elderly Mum if she would do an equity release on her property so I could get my inheritance out early.

The car I pay for by myself - and also cover the costs of him driving it. He has never even put fuel in it once. These are not the same things.

Honestly OP, he sounds beyond thick! You could have bought a house together, his kids' inheritance would have been protected (and possibly more than they are likely to get now), as would your right to a home but he can't see beyond his greedy and unreasonable plan to have you fund it for him. Glad you're almost out and that you've seen him for what he is.
I will say though that if a man says he doesn't want marriage, believe him. Do not lay any store by signs of him "warming" to the idea.

Aquamarine is a troll or some very highly opinionated person with too much time on their hands. Im surebive seen this name before being rure innprevious threads. @Everythingwillbeokk and the rest of us need to ignore their comments for them to go away.

Thank you. I don't know what I couldn't find. I had read through OP's post several times, but must have kept missing it.

I guess the change of tune was to keep OP around because he found it useful. Personally I would still have ended it when he made his first pronouncement if no marriage was a dealbreaker for me.

But that is easy to say now that I am a middle aged woman, because in my early twenties I let way to many dealbreakers slide and stuck around in relationships for way too long.

You’ve been tedious on this thread. You’ve really taken against the OP. I mean, you often do, but this is over and over. You have a bad weekend? 😂

It’s par for the course. I’ve noticed it too. Perhaps a hobby’s in order.

They’ve been here donkeys. They’re here every day. There was another one years ago called Bluntness or something. I wonder if it’s the same person. They post on and off all day, every day.

Just be really careful re: garage, I stored some boxes in a friend’s garage during a house move and discovered that a very small water incursion had affected several cardboard boxes damaging/ruining the contents. Put things on a pallet or shelving where possibly (don’t put cardboard on tarpaulin in the floor), and make sure cardboard doesn’t touch the walls…

I have just read through the pages and wish you well in sorting things out for yourself and your children. I was however so disgusted with one person’s comments that I reported them. I thought this was a site for support not trying to put someone down all the time.

Good morning all! Thank you so much. I’ve woke up this morning really upset, I feel utterly bereft. But keeping moving forward no matter how hard it feels. Kids being great - I’m also putting a strong front on for them.

I’m sorry to read that you are upset. This is not your fault. He future faked and actually took advantage of you.

Please stop doing any housework that is not of benefit for you and your DC. Stop contributing to his mortgage (maybe still pay for 50% of the bills) and I certainly wouldn’t be cooking for him.

You have seen the real him... He even admits that being nice to you was an effort for him. (The man who let you pay and do his housework and cared nothing about your future has a poor idea of 'nice' anyway.)

It is good that you know that you deserve better. You do - and so do your children.

If you were not strong, he could have kept you paying his way for nothing but a bit of 'niceness'.

I am glad that you can drive away from him. Best of luck with getting your own place. Don't look back.

I've been reading the whole thread with great admiration for you, @Everythingwillbeokk (and none whatsoever for the persistently goady poster). I do hope your day gets better, I should imagine that the absolute awfulness of your ex's behaviour is just now starting to sink in. I'm sure you are capable of turning this around and making a positive of it - keep imagining how much better you will feel once you and your children are well settled in your new home without him using you and bringing you down.
I echo the sage advice being given by many upthread. I tend to think, given how this man is reacting now, that you might be best to bite the bullet and remove yourselves to your mother's asap, with the intention of renting or finding a suitable local airbnb for the short-term, as quickly as you can, whilst you regroup mentally and physically.
I hope you have a better day than you are expecting, and if not, a lot of kindly MN women are here to support you if you need it.

Well done, you are putting a good plan together.
Children do react to what they see, so if you can keep it as much together whilst the upheaval is going on, it will help.
If mum is coping, they will cope better.
Let the tears flow in private or later.

It is so much better that you know now.
He sounds so thick.
He honestly expected you to pour money down the drain while being his skivvy for nothing?
Marriage to him was no prize.

Having savings has saved more women than not.
"Every woman should have a running away fund"....my grandmother told me that nearly 50 years ago!

Its as solid advice today as it was then....you never know when you will need it.

Check have friends a bit of empty space to take things, you never know they might.

The best thing to do at this point is not respond to any more posts by that poster. Just act like they've not posted. They'll get bored and go find someone else to go at like a terrier down a rat hole.

Perhaps he won’t want to turf you out before you’ve found a rental property, as he can’t afford the mortgage on his own (and will need to buy/insure/tax a car, by the sounds of things). House sales aren’t quick! Does he have much in savings to bridge the gap between you leaving and him downsizing?