Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

You don’t sleep with your landlord or do all the housework or supply them with a car and holidays.

He never had any intention of having a joint future together

You knew that.

Your definitely doing the right thing by leaving him. Sorry it's not worked the way you had hoped but you deserve better @Everythingwillbeokk

Why am I not surprised? Commiserations.

Thanks. Have a lovely evening 😊

You're doing the right thing, you're really brave.

Some weird posts here... people seem to be berating you. I'm not sure why. Do people think the op should stay??
Because she should have seen this coming?

And who the fuck compares car ownership with the financial and emotional commitment of a house/home? They are not even alike.

This.

What an arrogant prick to actually say this out loud as if it's acceptable and what you and your children deserve after all your contributions.

Ew. How can you even find this attractive?

Yes, this.

He is a scum bag.

Selfish bastard.

He's told you straight up.

Now move on, because if you stay, you're a mug. Sorry but that's the truth.

It hurts I'm sure but that's it. Get out of this damaging relationship and either be alone - with more self-respect or find someone better who treats you with more worth.

Where does it say (or imply) he is a police officer?

No she didn't. It's sort of the point. He strung her along.

Read the OP's posts.

It's in one of the OP's posts. Press see all on any OP post.

I originally voted YABU because based on your OP it appeared that he had always been very adamant with you about marriage and that he was opposed to it.

However having read the updates I must say YANBU and its time to go and build a life for yourself and your children free of this chancer.

Go for it OP, 💐

What do they call it? Weaponised incompetence. It really is a thing that those who use this as a strategy are quite capable of doing the work but step back until you are worn down and do it anyway.

You are doing the right thing @Everythingwillbeokk and putting your kids first. Your partner really has shot himself in the foot in assuming you would accept your lot and would be willing to disadvantage your own kids.

I was in the same position last year! A year on…I’ve bought a house for me and my son, we got a dog too and haven’t looked back, living our best lives! It’s not always easy but it will be worth it! You deserve someone who is looking out for you too not just his own. You got this.

How is he a user? She should be paying something for living there, same as rent.
If sexes were reversed, she'd be called a cocklodger for not wanting to pay.
I agree she's silly for moving in when he made it clear what the situation was.

YANBU. It's clear he doesn't care enough about you. So, move on. Sorry.

This.
You went in knowing he didn't want to get married. Clearly you hoped to change his mind and it took 4 years to wear him down and he 'warmed to the idea'
Contributing to the mortgage is neither here nor there because I assume if you were renting you'd be paying out that money anyway.
Funding holidays, a car and doing all the housework was the choice you made for some reason even knowing his stance.

Some weird posts here... people seem to be berating you. I'm not sure why. Do people think the op should stay??
Because she should have seen this coming?
I don't think anyone thinks the OP should stay. At least, I haven't seen a single post saying that 🤷‍♀️
Do you not think the OP "should have seen this coming" after he was crystal clear that he did not ever want to be married again?
Both parties were clear on their position but the OP obviously thought she could change his mind. He made some noises about 'warming to the idea' after 4 years but more likely he just wanted his cushy life to go on as it was.

Ultimatums are pointless if you don't follow through which is hard to do if you don't actually go anywhere. I also suspect that, even now, if he gives in on the marriage for an easier life, that's all it would take for the OP to stay with this twat

@Everythingwillbeokk

Can you confirm something please?

Did he actually say that if he dies, you can stay in the house as long as you keep paying the mortgage until it is paid off and then give/leave it to his kids? (Has he not heard of life insurance?)

So he wants you to pay potentially hundreds of thousands on a mortgage for a property that you have zero claim on?!

It isnt even possible anyway as you would have to buy the kids out of their shares and get a mortgage for the rest in your name, in which case it would then legally be your to do with as you wish.

Yes he really really did say this. I’m as gobsmacked as you

Tbh I am gobsmacked that anyone can be that thick. Does he think that on his death you will just not tell the mortgage company and keep paying it?!

"If the sexes were reversed" is this year's go-to gotcha that isn't 🙄

No. If a woman wrote that her DP pays half her mortgage, more than his share of everything else, bought the car and pays all its expenses including fuel, pays for their holidays, does all the housework and cares for her children along with his own, she'd have her arse handed to her.

If she then asked if she WBU to retain full ownership of her house and to exclude him and his children from her will and her pension, we'd all be asking where she found a sucker like him and can we get one!

DP and I mid 40s. He has an adult child I have none. We own our own houses, mortgage nearly paid off on each and spend 5 days together. It’s a pain to live in 2 houses. We want to live together but both want our security if it goes wrong and his house is his child’s inheritance. Neither of us want to move into the others house as it’s not ours.

so we got advice. When we buy we are going to secure our deposits and share equity if he split up. If he dies first I live in the house till I die or sell. Then the 50% goes to his child as inheritance and the other 50% to my nominated person. Works same for him if I die first. Can’t you do that!

Thing is it’s never been that I’ve ’not wanted to pay’ - please let me make this clear. I thought - and the plan had been - that we were working towards buying a home together. But as he has now moved the goalposts it’s now just that he wanted me to pay for his property forever. So all the things I paid for were to provide us with memories - that we had been to all these places. What a complete and utter waste of my time.