Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Read all the OP’s posts.

I understand you wanting commitment and a marriage (particularly if you've not been married before). Presumably though, you were ok with having children with someone else without that level of commitment prior to thus partner though, so I am curious as to what has changed.

That said, he us failing to see that in a marriage his children would not miss out, but rather that all your children would be treated equally. At present he seems to want it all on his terms and you both want different things.

There’s a ‘read all’ function for OPs posts on the thread. It’s in there! 😉

I have said he said he was warming to marriage.

He has said this several times over the last 12 months or so. In fact, we even had the conversation again about a month ago whilst we were on holiday. So yes, he has indeed strung me along with the idea that it would happen one day. It clearly never was going to happen though. And my ultimatum also I might add wasnt ‘propose to me immediately’, but was actually that I need it be that marriage is on the cards.

I have and I can't find the part where he said he was "warming up to marriage". I only found the part where he promised to buy a property together but then changed his mind after OP moved in.

Edit: Crossed posted. I see your reply, OP.

So what? The op still went along with it. If she was really adamant that marriage was a must for her, she should have never moved in with him in the first place. She did so knowing he was dead set against getting married again. The way so many posters completely absolve women from any and all poor decisions is amazing to me. She has agency. She chose not to use it. She chose to financially support his kids and do all the housework all on her own. No one forced her to do this.

If it’s your car he’s been driving , take him off the insurance asap .
Stop doing his household chores & buying his food - if he wants to be single let him be singularly responsible for his own bills including his mortgage payment

Yeah, thanks. Hadn't tried that yet. 🙄
Still coulnd't find it.

He sounds like an asshole in either case.

I am still a little puzzled why you moved in and started paying his bills without any commitment from him. So far you have been making all the compromises and he has made none. Was he ever generous before you moved in?

My kids dad and I had kids together, a house together and we had discussed that marriage would happen at some point. But actually because we had kids and joint property, it wasn’t something we needed to rush into - and certainly we actually couldn’t have afforded the wedding we wanted at the time anyway, and I didn’t ever need an engagement ring either to demonstrate that we were committed. We split for different reasons though - I think our lives just went in different directions when we had kids - I became a mum, he still wanted to be a lad out all the time. But other than him taking my car, we otherwise had a fairly amicable split and have a good relationship now.

"The marriage side I have always made it clear that I wanted marriage, yes he has said he didn’t but has said around a year ago he is warming to the idea. We discussed selling his house and buying somewhere new a month or so ago - great I thought - finally getting some commitment."

@FrostFlowers2025

Before I moved in he did all the housework himself. Now and again when I was at his id help him out with housework. At no point did I ever think I’d end up doing everything myself

Funnily enough though I have complained about this too as he commented that his lack of doing housework was an issue his ex wife used to have too

Before I moved in he did all the housework himself. Now and again when I was at his id help him out with housework. At no point did I ever think I’d end up doing everything myself

Then why did you? You chose to, obviously. If my husband had ever tried to get away with me doing everything I would have called him out on that immediately. You write as though this was done to you, when you are the one who chose to. It's baffling. As is you financially supporting his kids. Why on earth you've done that, when you have your own kids, is absurd.

You want different things. You know what he wants he knows what you want....you need to decide if you happy to take what he wants or move on and go for what you want? Never sell yourself short by the way!

Unbelievable, I think on the one hand it's fabulous he's protecting his dc assets. All too often we hear of dc being cut out due to second marriages etc someone sitting in the house.
What I find odd is the total incompatible issues that you were willing to share and he did not.
It's far better in the long run if you get your own asset for the dc and keep in mind this attitude and don't marry again.

It’s more that I’ve ended up in the situation that if I don’t do it, nobody does - I have made it clear on many occasions that I’m not asking too much, I’m just asking the wrong person. There’s also been a massive element for me of making sure everything is right for the kids, that they come home to a clean and tidy home - I want my kids to come home to that. Going to be a mess when I leave anyway

Exactly this. I absolutely support making sure your kids finances are set up if you’re in the position to do this - but to do this by taking advantage of another person paying your asset off is just something else

Reading these updates it's increasingly clear that you are doing the right thing in leaving this man.
I hope you can soon move on with your life.

What's catching my eye is the man's determination to be unpleasant as soon as things aren't going his way. Utter utter knob.

Echt Yy, huge red flag, turning nasty when op decided not to be his maid, cleaner, cook and fund anymore

Indeed isn’t it. I said to him earlier today that how he has acted has shown me exactly how little I meant to him. I’m glad he has done this though - I’m hurt beyond belief but I think I needed to know

How is it "something else?" You needed to pay your share/rent in order to live in the home, which you agreed to. So what if he applied that money to his mortgage? Why wouldn't he? If you had a landlord, they would do the same. How, exactly, is that taking advantage of you when you've agreed to this for the last three years?

Were you saying, in a roundabout way, that he's a police officer OP?

Because this isn’t a landlord/renter situation - this was supposed to be a loving relationship where we were moving to a joint future together. He never had any intention of having a joint future together - I was always going to be viewed as a top up to his finances

Yes