Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

It's not the same as paying rent because paying rent is supposed to give you rights and the law protects you from your landlord from doing whatever he wants. The OP has paid thousands towards this man's mortgage and he can literally kick her out tonight if he wants to. She has no rights because she is not renting a home from him.

Believe it or not I was accused of fabricating the entire concept of ringfencing your deposit. He’s impossible to deal with and I think actually after all day just mulling it over, we are making the best decision to separate. But this is a really good idea for you to be doing!

She should have protected herself, and her children, from this possibility. She chose not to.

@Everythingwillbeokk

Well, looks like he wanted a 'nanny with a fanny' and you fit the bill. He never intended to marry you, he was just 'keeping you sweet'. But you wouldn't be the first woman who has fallen for that and you won't be the last. Or thought "He'll see how great we are and want to marry me" about a man who has said they'd never marry. I'm holding my own hand up on that one!!! It was a hard lesson, but I learnt it well.

At this point you need to separate your daily lives. No more cooking for him, cleaning, laundry, 'admin', and of course no sex and NO money. If he's going to play hardball, so can you.

I was wondering, you say you have a good relationship with your DC's dad. Is there any way your DC could go to him temporarily and you move in with Mum? I know you said Mum has only one spare room, but does she have a sofa? Someone would end up on a blow up mattress, but I think things are going to get ugly where you are so you need to think about alternatives if you have to leave suddenly. And I know if I were your mum I'd gladly let you & DC 'come home', even if it meant sleeping in the bathtub.

Your alternative would be to make nice, apologize for being 'emotional' to keep things calm and a roof over your head, all the while making your plans and then GTFO as soon as you've secured a rental.

Because remember, since you aren't married and your name is not on the house he can lock you out, he can kick you out and there is nothing you'll be able to do about it. He's an LEO and he knows this, trust me.

What's that got to do with what I said? She wasn't paying him rent. She was paying towards a mortgage on a house she doesn't own.

The OP has protected her children. She hasn't left herself and her children trapped and vulnerable without money and relying on him. They are fine.

@Aquamarine1029 are you ok lovely? Or are you just getting a bit of a kick out of being exceptionally critical to a woman in a difficult situation? I understand you might not agree with the reasons I did what I did in entering into this arrangement, however I did so with the best intentions that this would be my forever. And I might be hurt now, but I’m actually a lot luckier than a lot of the ladies we hear of on here in similar situations, in that I’m in an established good career and im not panicked or worried financially. I may well have spent an absolute fortune on his bills, and trying my best to keep him happy, but I can walk away from that, with my chin up and move forwards, knowing my heart is absolutely in the right place

Kids dad is currently also at his mums and there isn’t room for them either - and distance wise it’s not feasible for their school either. I really wish this was an option. I’ve always been the main parent for them.

Mum definitely is the worst case scenario - I can at least pop the kids at hers and sleep on her sofa. It’s an option albeit not great. And I can put our things in storage. I’m keeping this as absolutely worst case scenario

Ive told (now ex) DP that we need to have a talk about what the next steps/plans are and he simply refuses to speak to me. Speaks volumes on the mentality I’m dealing with. What I’m hoping he will agree to is to allow us to stay here until we find somewhere to go - I’m hopeful this will be short term. But realistically - this situation cannot go on for long can it.

They're fine? I guess your interpretation of that is quite different from mine. These children are now going to have to, rather abruptly, leave their home of three years, which is a long time for kids, and they are undoubtedly living in a really unpleasant atmosphere due to the breakdown of the op's relationship, and the fact that her now ex-partner is a prick. All of this is something they have had to endure before when the op's relationship with their father ended. All of this, with the current partner, could have been avoided.

My kids are fine thanks 😊I think as their mum I know them better than anyone. And yes they have felt the issues going on, but this is the reason they are ok, because they both know their mum is ace and deserves so much more - I’ve had nothing but huge cuddles from them. They aren’t upset in the slightest.

OP, get prepared for the worst case scenario, it will help you take control.
Look at getting storage too.
Don't be caught on the hop.
Don't give him another penny.
Do nothing further for him, no lifts etc.
The sooner you are gone the better.

Who are you trying to convince? Me, or yourself?

Yeah I agree with you here.

There’s no way children aren’t going to be affected or upset by such upheaval. If they’re genuinely “fine” right now it’s because their feelings are numbed somehow while they’re still processing it , but it will eventually hit them. Or the other alternative is they hated living with this other family and are secretly glad to be leaving 👀 but assuming they were happy and settled and liked their step-dad figure and his family they will surely be affected. It would actually be weird if they hadn’t developed any attachment at all over the last 3 years.

As a former educator, a lot of the time parents chose to believe kids who said they were fine during family upheaval but it was always evident to staff that they weren’t. You’d immediately see a change in their behaviours and interactions and often they’d tell us straight how upset they were.

I don’t even say this to rub it in but just to say be mindful of how kids can be very protective of their parents feelings and hide their own distress.

I'd make it work at your mum's if she's willing to. Inflatable beds these days are rather comfortable and anything would be better than being beholden to him.

Wow. Please let it go.

I don’t need to justify my own awareness of where my kids thoughts are to anyone. My kids are ok because I’ve brought them up to be strong well rounded little individuals and we sit and chat about our day and our feelings often - they know their mum is their safe space and they don’t have to pretend around me.

How are you doing OP?
Sorry to see it’s turned out so badly and he’s being pretty awful. What are you planning to do - rent somewhere asap? Could you buy a place? How old are your kids, will that influence what type of place you move to? As in, will they be at home with you for a while yet or not? Would a new build that’s ready now/soon be an option for you?

Though I do have an alternative career now - I’m an ex childminder - I’m more than aware of how children interpret changes in family situations and I’m well ahead of the curve with my own kids. I do completely appreciate your opinion though as I’ve experienced and acted on these situations myself

You are exceptionally boring and it is absolutely transparent that you are just a deeply unpleasant person with a disturbingly incessant need just to be nasty. All you have done is consistently post with a lame attempt to distort the information the OP has given and create your own narrative, all of it purely fictional to be spiteful. It’s frankly painfully embarrassing to read. The OP has already politely indicated that your opinions are not welcome or regarded and yet you are relentless in your torrent of malicious, finger pointing waffle. Why on earth do you think she needs to justify herself to you? Unbelievably crass and entitled.

Mumsnet is designed to offer help to people in vulnerable positions such as the OP. You’re not providing any form of help and assistance - constructive or otherwise so do everyone a favour and just bow out disgracefully and let people who actually have a basic grasp of emotional intelligence support the OP. Thanks.

I’m ok but really sad - I’m outwardly being very positive. I’m looking for somewhere to rent as I feel like I could turn that around quite quickly for us to move into. I’m very keen to keep the kids in the same area to keep their social groups. Kids are 10 and 15 so with me for a while yet! Long term I’d like to buy slightly outside of the area where we are but I can continue the kids social groups as I’m in a very fortunate position of being fairly freelance work wise and can drive them to where they want to be

Thank you!! X

Breakdowns in relationships can happen to anyone. Even if they had got married or bought a house together, this still could have happened. The only way to protect children from relationship breakdowns is to never have children.

If he is not talking to you about next steps, then he is in no mood to let you and your dcs stay for much longer. He is police. He can get his mates to come round to turf you out.

I'd say bite the bullet and tell your mum you need to move in urgently. It is the fastest solution. Sleeping on the sofa is fine. Book storage, pack boxes and a van now. Once you are out, you remove his power over you. It will give you breathing space and a chance to regroup.

He will be in deep doodoo because he is going to default on the mortgage, needs to sell the house in a hurry, has no car and also needs to find a smaller place for him and his dcs. That is probably why he has not booted you and dcs out yet.

Cannot believe he is so obstructive and such a dick. He really did expect you to pay for his mortgage forever and provide cleaning and other services forever simply because you are a woman he is keeping on a string. The cheek of him. I cannot help thinking that he is one of those misogynistic police you read about.

Still so glad for you that you have your own career and ability to provide for your own dcs. Best insurance ever.

Not entering into a relationship when you already know you're not compatible is a great way to avoid a breakdown, as well.

Totally understandable that you feel really sad. 💜 I gasped when I saw the comment about not having to be nice to you any more (like he’d been acting the whole time or something?)
Better things await you in your future. My boss didn’t want to marry again after his first marriage ended but he did eventually feel moved to wanting to do that with his long term gf. It does happen and you weren’t unreasonable to hang on for similar, just hopeful.
Renting should definitely enable you to move more quickly and I guess you can start putting things in storage any time to help feel more organised and able to flit as soon as new accommodation allows. Hope you see something you like.

He "changed" his mind. Which you will know if you have read the OP's posts.

@blueshoes he is one of those police you read about - but here are bigger ones out there and in situations like this where there is a woman with children they will help, thankfully i know a few and they are keeping watch right now.

But yes - my job is the best insurance I have! I actually can’t believe I can walk away from this by myself and not struggle. Sticking money away in savings each month is the best thing I have ever done