I feel like the 'poor one' compared to DH

[likespiano]

I actually know I’m being unreasonable and I’m trying to figure out why! We’re really lucky, financially, so I don’t know why I’m always scrimping and saving, counting the pennies, while DH buys anything he wants. It’s really jarring.

I’m from UK but live in Italy with DH (in his home town) and our two DC. DD is 10 and NT. DS is 7 and ND. DH works full time, employed, 24 000 euros a year (including tax relief because of DS). I teach, 10 hours a week, self employed, about 10 000 euros a year (6 500 euros after tax). My in-laws live round the corner and do a lot of childcare. They also gave us our house, so we have no rent or mortgage. I know how lucky I am. But seeing as I’m so lucky, why am I so broke and why isn’t DH?

I think our expenses are quite well organised, he pays all the larger bills (food, utilities, car maintenance and insurance) and I pay the smaller ones (internet, water, rubbish) and of course my personal expenses (phone, 150 euros a month into a private pension, my accountant which is 700 euros a year). Obviously any new clothes, coffee, yoga etc on top of that. Kids’ stuff since I’m with them most of the time. I’ve always managed.

Recently I’ve noticed that DH has been gradually transferring expenses that he used to cover onto me. We changed our second car, the new one is in my name and now I’m paying petrol. I know that’s fair, since I use it for work, but I didn’t use to pay petrol as I used his second car, and he filled them both up. We never explicitly agreed it, it just happened. Also, holidays. I paid for an extra holiday this summer because he didn’t come, he doesn’t like the beach. I suggested that in future I and DC go with my mother instead of him. He agreed, and he’ll cover DCs expenses, but that’s not the same as paying for the whole thing, which he did until now. Last month we agreed I was having difficulty, and now he refunds me anything I spend on DC. It’s hard to tell how much it’ll help as it’s so new. But last month, he paid late, rounded down, complained. I minimised, didn’t include everything I’d spent on them, felt guilty.

Money-saving initiatives generally seem to backfire. For example, I suggested we get a second-hand bike for DS, to save money. DH looked online and decided he wanted a BMX bike for himself, so he ended up buying that instead. Then we got DS a new bike anyway. DH used to play the drums, but sold them as he didn’t use them anymore. Then he missed it, so he rented a small hall with a drumkit for a couple of years. We went shopping for new shoes for DC and DH found a pair of trainers at 110 euros, for him. It was actually a relief – if he felt he could afford those, surely we aren’t as broke as he says? He also has a very expensive hobby, riding his motorbike. He always says I can ask him for anything and not to worry about money, but then he complains a lot about bills and how he hardly has any money, so I don’t feel I can. My yoga membership is due next month, but I’m not going to renew it. Me and DH go out for a drink together once a week, I’ve suggested we get a bottle of wine and watch Netflix at home instead. Even tiny things, I drink tap water but he hass bottled. I’d like fizzy water too, but it would only mean more stuff to lug home from the supermarket, so I don’t. I feel so petty and resentful. Can we make things fairer, or are we both just spendthrifts?

I say this not to be cruel. But I’m surprised to hear you think you are in a good position financially. I started on £30k on my grad scheme and lived with my parents. No children. I do have an expensive dog. I would never have classified myself as being comfortable at the time. I wasn’t exactly left with thousands after car payment, bills, general living expenses, pet food and savings were taken out of my pay packet.

Can your husband find a different line of work? Or retrain?

@likespiano OP I wonder if there are ways of maximising your joint income? You are giving away a lot of it to your accountant for example. If you add your planning time to your working hours and divide that by your salary, your hourly rate will be even lower! I think this is one of the main issues. You say you aren’t a particularly good teacher, could you consider a change of career/retrain? Would your in-laws provide childcare for you to have the flexibility of not having to do a mid day school run? I think there is a lot for you both to think about here. Thank goodness you don’t have a high rent or mortgage thrown into the mix! Although I’m guessing living in your father-in-laws house comes with its own issues!

You need to change how you organise your finances. He earns a lot more than you and saying he’ll pay a bit more for this bill or that isn’t going to leave you with equal spending money. It’s totally wrong that you’re struggling while he can spend what he wants.

You should pool both incomes into a joint account which is used for bills, DC and all family expenses. Then each month an equal amount (you’ll need to work out what you can afford) is transferred into both of your individual accounts for luxuries and personal spending. That’s the only way to ensure expenses are split fairly and evenly and you’re both able to live a similar lifestyle. Anything left in the joint account at the end of the month can go into joint savings, anything left in your individual accounts into personal savings.

I don't like this set up OP you need a really honest conversation with your DH about finances. I appreciate it's really awkward but it's not right how things are at the moment.

She said she lives in a small town in Italy and has no mortgage - you can’t compare it to your income and expenses in the UK!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Just to say that from experience petrol prices are definitely not the same everywhere in the UK.

FIL was born in this house, it will belong to one of my DC after we are gone. I feel like part of a long family line. It hasnt had a mortgage on it in generations
You have married into a clan, your role is to provide heirs for the males and elders of the clan who out rank you.

Probably she's bewildered because she's English and living in a small Italian village where she's still learning the language, far away from where she has friends & family herself, a totally different culture, unsupportive DH,and is also raising a ND son. I think we'd all feel quite bewildered at least some of the time by that, wouldn't you?

I don’t understand married couples who live like this; why isn’t your income just in one shared pot? Perhaps he’d like to pay you for the childcare that you do and then see how it evens out? 🤷‍♀️

Don't be Cinderella in your own marriage OP. It's not right, it breeds resentment, and it speaks of disrespect and inequality in your relationship.

Sounds right.

And the elder male of the clan owns all the property, which others can be allowed to live in if they tow the line.

OP, you say one of your children will inheirit it. Sounds like we all know which one!

Work more than one day a week, that will help for a start. You have regular childcare to enable that.
Then put everything into one pot and take the same spending money out each.
If your DH doesn't want this then youll have to decide what to do but at least you'll be on better money.
I don't get moaning about money and working 10 hours a week. Sorry.

Does my post seem critical to you? It wasn't meant to be. I was suggesting that the OP gets some support in talking through why she feels the way she does. All of things you mention could be contributing to a sense of bewilderment, we don't know, but the perspective of a friendly person who knows her well could help.

I think, sadly this is financial abuse.

No-one should be "the poor one" in a marriage.

I don't understand a marriage where a couple's resources are not equally shared.

I'd say the reason the income isn't in one shared pot is because he doesn't consider her to be part of the main family, she is lesser, an add on. My guess is that this is what the situation defaults to because of the extended family set up; these are the 'normal' dynamics of a clan-like situation

Working 10 hrs a week is a bit of a joke when you can’t afford not to work. It’s nothing.

FIL was born in this house, it will belong to one of my DC after we are gone. I feel like part of a long family line. It hasnt had a mortgage on it in generations.

Now this is concerning OP. Where do you fit it? What is your family role, apart from providing the family line with children?

OP I agree you and your DH need more parity in your disposable income.

Although I equally think you are choosing to prioritise your mental health and that does come at a price. I did the same so no criticism, it just needs recognition.

I think it's very difficult to have a modern equal marriage in this kind of situation. The elders are in control of everything, there is a chain of command and op is at the bottom.
No one can risk stepping out of line and offending those at the top of the hierarchy in case they lose their position. Striking out on your own is too risky and you will lose all of the points that you've earned from your lifetime of deference.

You are in a very very vulnerable position . Even taking into account the differences between average earnings in Italy etc. you have very little access to cash and absolutely no future security. Presumably if you were to divorce or be widowed you’d have no claim to the house , so where are your assets? Do you have any personal savings? Your issues are much, much bigger than who gets to drink fizzy water.

I had no mortgage when I was on £30k. My living situation could never have been described as comfortable. She has TWO kids and the family only brings in £34k. Apparently, it costs €645 per month to raise a child in Italy. They simply aren’t earning enough for either them to live a particularly indulgent lifestyle. What about Christmas? Holidays? Sports clubs?

edit: @Othergirlswereneverquitelikethis (forget to quote)

I don’t think this works when one person’s income is so much lower than the other’s, as they still end up with massively less money.

Money should be pooled, bills paid and the remainder split 50/50.

But looks like the H is trying to gradually push more cost onto OP. This is not a good sign for the marriage.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow it's looking like that isn't it?

The only time in my life I've felt poor was when I was married to a financially abusive man. And that's not because I've ever been rich , I was just kept in the dark about everything by him and felt unable to budget accordingly like a person should. It seems the op has similar feelings around her money situation.

This is true, but the OP and her DH could certainly have more equitable arrangements for sharing the income they do have. Right now, there is no fairness in the setup at all.

However, her DH needs to change if this is to happen. Right now, he is financially abusing her (her guilt at asking for money to cover the children's expenses shows what the dynamic is).

Your husband and children may be in a less precarious position re housing - you aren’t. You have no assets and no financial security.

You say your in-laws do lots of childcare. Why are you then being interrupted when you plan lessons?

What are you teaching that requires such intensive planning?
Why are you paid six monthly?