I feel like the 'poor one' compared to DH

[likespiano]

I actually know I’m being unreasonable and I’m trying to figure out why! We’re really lucky, financially, so I don’t know why I’m always scrimping and saving, counting the pennies, while DH buys anything he wants. It’s really jarring.

I’m from UK but live in Italy with DH (in his home town) and our two DC. DD is 10 and NT. DS is 7 and ND. DH works full time, employed, 24 000 euros a year (including tax relief because of DS). I teach, 10 hours a week, self employed, about 10 000 euros a year (6 500 euros after tax). My in-laws live round the corner and do a lot of childcare. They also gave us our house, so we have no rent or mortgage. I know how lucky I am. But seeing as I’m so lucky, why am I so broke and why isn’t DH?

I think our expenses are quite well organised, he pays all the larger bills (food, utilities, car maintenance and insurance) and I pay the smaller ones (internet, water, rubbish) and of course my personal expenses (phone, 150 euros a month into a private pension, my accountant which is 700 euros a year). Obviously any new clothes, coffee, yoga etc on top of that. Kids’ stuff since I’m with them most of the time. I’ve always managed.

Recently I’ve noticed that DH has been gradually transferring expenses that he used to cover onto me. We changed our second car, the new one is in my name and now I’m paying petrol. I know that’s fair, since I use it for work, but I didn’t use to pay petrol as I used his second car, and he filled them both up. We never explicitly agreed it, it just happened. Also, holidays. I paid for an extra holiday this summer because he didn’t come, he doesn’t like the beach. I suggested that in future I and DC go with my mother instead of him. He agreed, and he’ll cover DCs expenses, but that’s not the same as paying for the whole thing, which he did until now. Last month we agreed I was having difficulty, and now he refunds me anything I spend on DC. It’s hard to tell how much it’ll help as it’s so new. But last month, he paid late, rounded down, complained. I minimised, didn’t include everything I’d spent on them, felt guilty.

Money-saving initiatives generally seem to backfire. For example, I suggested we get a second-hand bike for DS, to save money. DH looked online and decided he wanted a BMX bike for himself, so he ended up buying that instead. Then we got DS a new bike anyway. DH used to play the drums, but sold them as he didn’t use them anymore. Then he missed it, so he rented a small hall with a drumkit for a couple of years. We went shopping for new shoes for DC and DH found a pair of trainers at 110 euros, for him. It was actually a relief – if he felt he could afford those, surely we aren’t as broke as he says? He also has a very expensive hobby, riding his motorbike. He always says I can ask him for anything and not to worry about money, but then he complains a lot about bills and how he hardly has any money, so I don’t feel I can. My yoga membership is due next month, but I’m not going to renew it. Me and DH go out for a drink together once a week, I’ve suggested we get a bottle of wine and watch Netflix at home instead. Even tiny things, I drink tap water but he hass bottled. I’d like fizzy water too, but it would only mean more stuff to lug home from the supermarket, so I don’t. I feel so petty and resentful. Can we make things fairer, or are we both just spendthrifts?

Sympathies OP, as it sounds crap. DP is from Italy and I recognise the situation with the the ‘low’ earnings several people have mentioned. The figures you mention sound quite normal to me based on salaries in DP’s home town (south of Italy). He also has siblings who live in houses owned by his parents. The difference is DPs parents are deceased and the siblings all own an equal share in the properties. However DBIL lives in one of the houses with his wife and DC and has made it clear they have no intention of leaving and this has caused issues as two of DP’s other siblings want to sell that house.

All of this is to say just be mindful that since your FIL actually owns the house, changes in the family dynamics, death etc could leave you in a precarious situation. How old are your DC because I would consider another job to supplement your income asap. It doesn’t sound as if teaching is your strong point. Are there any other areas you could work in?

You need a budget to work out how much money you do both have and what your costs are.

Why would he have fizzy water and you don’t? Does he buy it separately? Mark the level on the bottle!! It makes no sense. Much of this makes no sense.

You are both on very low incomes, surely there's no spare money at all.

But time to get a joint account and a spreadsheet.

List every single household expenditure and child expenditure. Then agree how to pay for it

This is one of those threads where there’s so much going on it’s hard to post!

Maybe he does get handouts from his parents and I think you need transparency of the money coming in to understand this.

You do need to have a system where you and DH end up with the same spending money - so whether it’s all money pooled and then you work out what all bills are - including a figure for kids expenses and a sum for joint savings - and divide what is left equally as your spending money. Hopefully that’s not a negative figure.

I think he’ll get a shock when he sees how little spends he really should have.

The obvious one to increase the pot is for you to do more hours - but if it’s as difficult as you say to do this job, should you be looking for something else?

Re the accountant - if this is a necessary part of the job, you should really be taking that figure off what you think your income is in your head. It’s a huge proportion of it.

Can either of you get a different job? Can you go employed?

OP said the house is in FILs name @harrumphh

The problem is that if you decided this was unreasonable and wanted to leave, presumably you'd struggle to live in Italy or move kids elsewhere. So you're a bit stuck.

The fizzy water is odd isn’t it? Surely if it’s in the house anyone can drink it?

On the plus side, drinking fizzy water as your main drink is really bad for your teeth, so there’s that!

I'm confused. Is Italy the world's cheapest country to live in or has @likespiano left off some 0s in on the end of the salaries? Otherwise her husband earns just over £20,000 per year and she earns £8350 before tax.

The two of you must be in utter penury surely, even allowing for the fact the home is free and you get help with childcare.

People on about low wages, wages can be relative depending on where they live. If they live in a small village wages aren't going to be the same as if they live in Rome, so that suggestion might not be plausible, unless there are big cities nearby that are commutable @likespiano

What is the average wage in your area?

Regardless, it should be joint money and maybe see if you can build your confidence in your job, could make you feel like you could go for more working hours?

ah thanks, I'm clearly not awake yet!

In that case I'd be terrified, because there's nothing financially lucky or good about that situation. It's like some kind of 19th century thing where the money is controlled by the men and you beg for sixpence to buy food for your kids.

He is selfish. That’s my diagnosis. Selfish man.

I agree with pps in that you really need to have a proper chat about money. Full disclosure from both of you , then take it from there. I can't comment on your income as I've no idea of Italian wages , but on paper you appear to be on a low income as a family.

Op I get the impression you have had your head in the sand for quite a while. You come across as very young and a bit naive.

You don’t seem to know (or don’t want to answer) how much the bills he pays vs the bills you pay.

You seem a bit incredulous you have to pay for your own petrol, which is entirely normal. Or that you have to pay anything towards a second holiday that he isn’t going on.

You say you can’t increase hours and you do childcare. But your in laws do a lot of childcare and your kids are in school and you work 10 hours. I suspect that there’s a mix of issues here. You expect to work very little, even though you could work more and have all your expenses covered by dh, including your petrol and extra holidays. I think he is probably being subbed by his parents and/but seems like he got fed up of paying extra for things like your petrol a while ago. That might be annoying the family as well.

Your husband comes from a wealthy family. That’s not translating to you. You haven’t been given a home. You have been given use of one. If you had to pay for a home one of you would have to find a job that paid more.

You can’t keep just going along working very few hours and being surprised you have very little money AND not knowing anything about your families expenses.

I agree with this. I know we are all probably living in higher income countries, but your incomes are very, very low. I would never spend that amount on trainers for DS, until he is fully grown, and I live in a very high cost country. You need to have a calm, adult conversation about your family finances. Go out together, during the day, and use a spreadsheet.

You need to discuss this with him. Write down everything you spend for, say, a month and show him, pointing out how little is left over for you.

I never understand why married couples don’t have a joint account for everything, with all income going into it and all expenditure coming out of it. It always seems to me that if they don’t, they’re not really fully committed to a life together.

You seem to pay a ridiculously large percentage of your own earnings to an accountant. With such a low income, is that really necessary?

I am seeing a very different culture to anything remotely like the UK. So applying UK values and thoughts might need reining in a little bit, bearing in mind your family life is one that you have married into and embraced, living as you do in Italy. But it needs some joint thinking around finances, equality etc…. You need to discuss together all your issues.

So you live in the same property but have very different disposable incomes - sounds like you’re housemates.

Wow, thanks for all the responses. The situation in Italy is very different to UK - I used to do my own taxes there, so I get why people are telling me to do it here, too. But the tax return my accountant prepares is amazingly complicated, I can barely read it. Taxes are high, the 23% doesnt include national insurance, thats another 20%. But healthcare is excellent.
Reading these messages has been truly shocking. I dont know how much time I spend planning - pretty much all the time Im awake, it feels. Interrupted every few mins by DC. Precarious, really? FIL was born in this house, it will belong to one of my DC after we are gone. I feel like part of a long family line. It hasnt had a mortgage on it in generations.
I have always found it difficult to mix work and childcare, especially since DS has additional needs. I thought I was protecting myself by having an unbroken employment history, Ive never been an SAHM. I just dont earn enough to live on. I suppose I need to focus on planning less and I will message my colleagues today. In the future, I will look for work over the summer. I didnt this year, and I think that has been a major factor. But as I get paid every 6 months it takes a long time to feel the effects. I will think about all this, thank you everyone.

Do you cost in lesson planning as part of the charge for lessons you provide? If not, why not? If you teach for 2 hours and it takes an hour to plan, your charge should reflect three hours of work.

Also, if you don't think you're very good at it, can you improve or can you do anything else that pays more that you are good at?

Why don't you have a joint account? You are the mother of his children. Surely household, children, cars are family expenditure?
You need to talk with him about this but then you know that or you wouldn't be writing here.
Good luck. I'm guessing it won't be easy.

Exactly, I was baffled as to why OP describes this as lucky - she’s in a highly unfavourable situation now. And even if she ever wanted to leave she wouldn’t be entitled to any part of the house in a divorce I assume, as it’s not even owned by the husband.

I’m wondering OP, are your husband and in-laws the ones who have pushed this narrative about how “lucky” you are?

It’s definitely in your husbands interest for you to believe you are lucky and not to focus on the fact you’re in a very precarious position.

'pointing out how little is left over for you'

Tbh i think it needs to be a much more joint exercise than that. Part of the problem is that when challenged, the husband says he will give as much money as she needs, but then a) complains about it and indicates there isnt enough, which tbh there probably isnt and b) spends irrationally. I do think this is a rich kid who has not even slightly adjusted to not being anything like as rich as his dad. I think it's fixable but it has to be done together.

Going to disagree with others here. Both your kids are in school? But you effectively only work one day a week? Of course you have no money. What are you doing the rest of the week?

Oh, have just read your other replies. You need to stop teaching and find another source of income. How good is your Italian?

OP, you say you are not a good teacher - are you teaching as an English language teacher because that is the only job you feel you can get in this village? I think you should look at getting a different job. You are spending far too much time planning lessons and only getting paid for the face to face teaching. I also agree that you DH is probably being subsidised even more by his parents than you know.