I feel like the 'poor one' compared to DH

[likespiano]

I actually know I’m being unreasonable and I’m trying to figure out why! We’re really lucky, financially, so I don’t know why I’m always scrimping and saving, counting the pennies, while DH buys anything he wants. It’s really jarring.

I’m from UK but live in Italy with DH (in his home town) and our two DC. DD is 10 and NT. DS is 7 and ND. DH works full time, employed, 24 000 euros a year (including tax relief because of DS). I teach, 10 hours a week, self employed, about 10 000 euros a year (6 500 euros after tax). My in-laws live round the corner and do a lot of childcare. They also gave us our house, so we have no rent or mortgage. I know how lucky I am. But seeing as I’m so lucky, why am I so broke and why isn’t DH?

I think our expenses are quite well organised, he pays all the larger bills (food, utilities, car maintenance and insurance) and I pay the smaller ones (internet, water, rubbish) and of course my personal expenses (phone, 150 euros a month into a private pension, my accountant which is 700 euros a year). Obviously any new clothes, coffee, yoga etc on top of that. Kids’ stuff since I’m with them most of the time. I’ve always managed.

Recently I’ve noticed that DH has been gradually transferring expenses that he used to cover onto me. We changed our second car, the new one is in my name and now I’m paying petrol. I know that’s fair, since I use it for work, but I didn’t use to pay petrol as I used his second car, and he filled them both up. We never explicitly agreed it, it just happened. Also, holidays. I paid for an extra holiday this summer because he didn’t come, he doesn’t like the beach. I suggested that in future I and DC go with my mother instead of him. He agreed, and he’ll cover DCs expenses, but that’s not the same as paying for the whole thing, which he did until now. Last month we agreed I was having difficulty, and now he refunds me anything I spend on DC. It’s hard to tell how much it’ll help as it’s so new. But last month, he paid late, rounded down, complained. I minimised, didn’t include everything I’d spent on them, felt guilty.

Money-saving initiatives generally seem to backfire. For example, I suggested we get a second-hand bike for DS, to save money. DH looked online and decided he wanted a BMX bike for himself, so he ended up buying that instead. Then we got DS a new bike anyway. DH used to play the drums, but sold them as he didn’t use them anymore. Then he missed it, so he rented a small hall with a drumkit for a couple of years. We went shopping for new shoes for DC and DH found a pair of trainers at 110 euros, for him. It was actually a relief – if he felt he could afford those, surely we aren’t as broke as he says? He also has a very expensive hobby, riding his motorbike. He always says I can ask him for anything and not to worry about money, but then he complains a lot about bills and how he hardly has any money, so I don’t feel I can. My yoga membership is due next month, but I’m not going to renew it. Me and DH go out for a drink together once a week, I’ve suggested we get a bottle of wine and watch Netflix at home instead. Even tiny things, I drink tap water but he hass bottled. I’d like fizzy water too, but it would only mean more stuff to lug home from the supermarket, so I don’t. I feel so petty and resentful. Can we make things fairer, or are we both just spendthrifts?

You are both very low earners. Is it not possible for both of you to increase your earnings/get better paid jobs?

But you in laws are also doing a lot of childcare too?

I absolutely disagree with the "all money should be family money and go into one joint account" line that constantly gets trotted out on MN. However the set up does need to be fair, and there does need to be open dialogue around money and spending. In your case I don't think you have either.

You seem to have fallen into a way of doing things without really thinking it through. You both need to be open about how much you have coming in a month, and work out how much you have going out. I suspect he has significantly more disposable income than you. You then need to rearrange things so that it is fair to you both. I suspect that he will resist that approach though, which is likely where your problem comes from.

I think you both need to increase your earnings.

You have a joint income of less than 28k.

Seconding this! Absolutely crazy.

You could start by learning how to do your own taxes. No need to be paying an accountant for that.

This is a crazy setup. All expenses should be coming out of a joint pot when you have kids, joint bills, etc.

Well, his family is wealthy and he lived at home until we got married. I honestly thought we were ok, financially, reading these responses has shocked me. He has always just bought what he wants, and I suppose Im not much better. I will definitely not renew yoga membership. The accountant is the family accountant, other accountants cost even more.

As a married couple with kids I dont understand the 'I'll pay for the Internet and you pay for the shopping mentality '
In our case all the wages go in one pot, once the bills have been paid and food and fuel expenses sorted, savings are prioritisedfor both of us. Everything left over is fun money for both of us.
It's worked well for the last 34 years. There's no resentments and it seems fair.
Over the years dh has earned more than me, other times I've earned more but that's irrelevant as we are a unit. There's no point being a team (which is what a relationship with children is) if one is always better off ( in many ways, not just financial) than the other.

We have never mixed money but neither of us has ever been short plus due to the way it’s set up we have access to each others accounts and also have a system with every expense noted. We buy everything on a credit card and so that’s an easy way to track.

It can work but you have very uneven finances, you probably don’t really know how much he earns, he has told you . You are in precarious situation as you own zero housing and in the event of a divorce I know exactly who would be allowed to stay rent free in the house.

I am not sure how taxation work in Italy but with such a low income you don’t need an accountant surely. I mean even if you have to do your own tax returns it can’t be that complicated.

You need to sit down with paperwork or the equivalent and see exactly how much you earn, pay tax, expenses etc. I have a feeling this man is not going to want one pot though you have a legitimate reason to want one.

I dont choose to do it! The tax system is complicated here, no one does their own taxes. Even DH has an accountant but his mother pays the bill, its much cheaper as hes employed anyway

OP, your work/income seems really out of whack. How are you paying so much tax on 10k pa? Is your accountant legit?! Sounds like you're doing far more than your work hours because you think you're shit at your job and are then getting rinsed even further. Could you look for a salaried role to boost your income as a start?

I presume cost of living is very low where you are and appreciate no housing costs but even at that, i don't know how your household can afford holidays, 2 cars, a motorbike hobby etc.

How many hours do you do, including the lesson planning? Would it make more sense to become an employee for 20 hours a week on a lower hourly rate with no requirement for an accountant (and less stress).

Another alternative would be for DH to go part time and you be the breadwinner, as pro rata, you are the higher earner.

Could you go full time or almost full time and employ a nanny for afternoons?

They also gave us our house, so we have no rent or mortgage. I know how lucky I am. But seeing as I’m so lucky, why am I so broke and why isn’t DH?

The answer to this is you aren’t that lucky - in terms of finances and a decent husband anyway. The house is in your FIL name, so you both have little security. Are you saving up so you can have the money to buy your own house or say 6 months rent somewhere in case if your FIL doesn’t gift it to you in his will or you need to leave? Your situation is very precarious.

And I didn’t realise work was so poorly paid in Italy or is that just due to the town you live in? Can you do some additional work like online EFL teaching? You could get about £20 an hour.

And the main issue is whether you have a joint account or not - your husband shouldn’t be demanding you pay for so much on your salary. You need to sit down and talk about finances, respect and fairness. I agree with others you should both have a similar disposable income in this situation. Except for in some specific circumstances, it can’t be right that in a married couple with kids one has so much more.

Are his family giving him handouts you don’t know about?

Why do you pay all the stuff for your joint children?

He should pay 3/4 of that for a start, seeing as his income is that much higher.

Why does he get tax relief and you not - abd just looked at Italian tax wow 23% up to 15,000 and no tax free allowance

you need a serious chat and rather than allocate bills allocate and amount to an account and the bills come from there

Yes, this was my thought. He may be earning a low wage but he’s from a wealthy family and never seems to worry about spending money until it comes down to you spending it, OP. Something like this has to be going on here.

So you don't work 10 hours a week, you work prob double that - only half of it is for free!

Your price for tutoring should cover the time spent preparing for lessons as well as the time spent delivering lessons.

If that prices you out of the market, then you need to cut down on the time spent on prep because at the moment you don't really have a job, you have a hobby.

You need to start thinking like a business person - everything you do for your business needs to be paid for.

I think you're basically living at home with him and his family. His expenses are paid by them, the house is theirs, you're an add on. You're not truly an independent family and he's not a fully fledged grown up.

What happens if fil dies suddenly? Who inherits your house? What if their business flops?

You should agree a monthly disposable income amount for both of you, the rest is shared income. But he won't agree to it because he's never had to go without and he's got a good set up right now.

Like I said, you're basically living within his family. You're trapped and don't make the rules.

When you say your in-laws gave you a house, do you mean it's in your name, your husband's name, or their names and they're letting you live in it?

Nothing else about your financial situation is "lucky," to be brutally honest. You're on 10k a year and living over your means overall if your husband is complaining about bills. Why are you having extra holidays and a second car instead of putting the money you would have spent on a mortgage into an account or some kind of investment as a safety net? Why are you paying for an accountant when you earn so little, an overly big chunk of your earnings will be going to that and for basically no work on their end.

You are both on quite low incomes. You have subsidised childcare and pay no rent. You are extremely lucky. Heavily subsidised by relatives. You work 10 hours a week. Two hours a day but you. Need lots of childcare?? If you want more money work more hours. it isn't exactly rocket science.

I think that's the thing, we are responding from a British viewpoint when things will definitely vary in Italy. It's still really difficult if half the financial side is opaque to you.

This!

Have you tried having just one current account and separate personal savings accounts as well as a household savings account? All wages into the current account, bills and household saving from it and anything left over split equally between you both ? You are a partnership, neither of you should have much more than the other. What is the point of marriage if you aren't working together ?