NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

[AlliBali]

We're NC with my in-laws. Been NC for a year as a result of years of bad behaviours. Not got space to go into details but things like being openly hostile to me and SIL (it's DH and BIL's parents). Having little interest in my DD because she has additional needs, telling me to stop being lazy and taking advantage of DH when I was struggling with post partum depression (MIL openly thinks MH issues are just people being weak) the list is long and lots of stuff we're both just not willing to put up with anymore.

We discovered yesterday that DS15 has been meeting up with his GP's for 7 months against our wishes (he's aware of the NC and some of the general reasons why but no details). In-laws live in 30 mins away and have been texting him, arranging meet ups and telling him to keep it secret. He's been heading out to meet his friends and has instead been meeting GPs. We found out because we bumped into the friend he was meant to be meeting, asked DS when he got home and he told us the truth.

I'm livid, I honestly think this is mostly motivated by a defiance of our wishes, part of the NC was a general disinterest in all the grandkids so this recent interest is totally out of character. One of the traits of my MIL is always having to get the last word and the sense of one upmanship and triumph it brings so I'm convinced this is a part of this.

Really don't know what to do. DS says he feels bad sneaking round but doesn't want to let his GP down. I want to nip this in the bud. I've text MIL and asked her to stop and she's resonded:

"you can't stop me meeting up with who I want to, he's my grandson and I'm entitled to see him, you may think you can dictate to people but I've got news for you.....you can't."

Any ideas how to deal with this? I'm totally at a loss, I'm worried by telling DS to stop it continues to happen in secret.

Is should add, BIL and SIL are also NC for all the same reasons

At 15 he's old enough to make his own choices about this. I would support him to see them if he wishes so he doesn't feel the need to hide it.

It's not on. Telling a child to keep a secret is abusive.

At 15, I think the only thing you can do is let him meet them with your blessing. It sounds very difficult but an awful situation for your son to be in.

What does your DH think should happen?

I think the sneaking around is very poor but I also think your ds is old enough to decide for himself if he wants to see them.

To add, as grandparents they have no rights over your children and aren't actually entitled to anything...

He wants full NC for the whole family including our kids.

He text his DM, the text reply in my original post was to him

He is 15, he can make his own decisions and will do as he grows. He shouldn't have to keep secrets.

Be careful that you are not the one who needs the last word, by controlling your son.

Do you have any reason to think that meeting them will cause harm to DS?

If so then I think you need to have a more direct conversation with him and be more open about the reasons why you feel they are unsafe for him to be around.

If you don't think they are a risk to his safety then I think you need to take control of the situation and arrange the contact and be there to manage it. I'd rather he was supported to have it in a safe way than to sneak around behind your back. I'd also have a very direct conversation with him about adults who encourage children to keep things "secret" from their parents.

I agree with him being old enough to decide himself about wanting to see them but conscious he's not got the full picture of their behaviour.

Maybe if he's old enough to decide to see them, he's old enough to understand the full context of the NC decision.

Just wanted to keep all the details from him, maybe that was naive of us.

I think your son is old enough to make his own choices. However bit sounds like he doesn't have all the facts to make that decision on. Is it possible to have an age appropriate talk with him that puts the facts across in a calm way?

You need to sit down and clearly but without prejudice explain why both your family and you bil & sil are no contact with them. You then need to say that you would prefer if he stopped seeing his grandparents for these reasons but ultimately make it his choice and that you will respect his decision.

But if your son wishes to see them then you should let him. He will make up his own mind soon enough whether he wishes to keep up contact but presumably if you have been NC for a year he must have enjoyed spending time over the last 14 years with them or he wouldn't still be seeing them.

Do you know why your DS wants to see them? He talks about not wanting to let them down but does he know about their poor treatment of his sister who has additional needs?

This. He has his own relationship with his grandparents that at age 15 does not need to involve you.

They use racist slurs openly, they have an pretty toxic view of people on low incomes. The language they use to describe migrants is not at all acceptable.

While I don't think there's any issue with physical harm I don't want my kids to spend time with people with those kind of views.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I think you need to be more honest with your son and explain more detail about why you’ve gone NC. If he still wants to meet up with them after that, I would insist on full transparency - he tells you what they’re doing and when, etc.

Be honest with him. I think this is all you can do. Say that they are already manipulating him by asking him to keep secrets. Ultimately if he wants to see them then he needs to do it openly and honestly. He does need the full picture and an understanding of context. I would not stop him but let him know you are concerned about it and that he can ask anything he needs to.

He's 15 not 5 you cannot keep him away from people whose views you don't agree with. Does he enjoy spending time with them?

I totally get that but I also think your ds at 15 is definitely old enough for the conversation that some people have horrible racist views, the impact on others this has and why they are wrong. And also what to do when you hear someone speaking like that. I would put all of that in place for him and then let him decide. My guess is eventually he'll want to distance himself from them too.

Do they use racist slurs in front of your son? You mention their lack of interest in your DD due to her additional needs. Do they use similar language about people with disabilities and additional needs? If so, I would be very honest with your DS about why you don't want him to have contact with his grandparents.

No, he's not really aware. When we went no contact we just explained they were being very unkind and we'd asked them to stop and it hadn't etc

Because they weren't that involved previously the kids weren't that bothered about it the prospect of not seeing them vs seeing them less and less frequently over the last few years anyway

You are making this an exciting game for them both.

Just say okay thats fine. We'd prefer you didnt but No need for secrets.
Let me know when you are visiting and ill drop you off.

Your pearl clutching is petrol on the drama fire

Most warm loving families struggle to get their teenage children to bother as they should with GPs.... a main driver of this is the secrecy and illicit nature. He is getting his teenage rebellion out and GPs are point scoring on you.

DD has cerebral palsy. The final straw was FIL calling her a sp*z. Not to her face but to their naighbours. BIL overheard and that led to the NC from DH and BIL