NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

[AlliBali]

We're NC with my in-laws. Been NC for a year as a result of years of bad behaviours. Not got space to go into details but things like being openly hostile to me and SIL (it's DH and BIL's parents). Having little interest in my DD because she has additional needs, telling me to stop being lazy and taking advantage of DH when I was struggling with post partum depression (MIL openly thinks MH issues are just people being weak) the list is long and lots of stuff we're both just not willing to put up with anymore.

We discovered yesterday that DS15 has been meeting up with his GP's for 7 months against our wishes (he's aware of the NC and some of the general reasons why but no details). In-laws live in 30 mins away and have been texting him, arranging meet ups and telling him to keep it secret. He's been heading out to meet his friends and has instead been meeting GPs. We found out because we bumped into the friend he was meant to be meeting, asked DS when he got home and he told us the truth.

I'm livid, I honestly think this is mostly motivated by a defiance of our wishes, part of the NC was a general disinterest in all the grandkids so this recent interest is totally out of character. One of the traits of my MIL is always having to get the last word and the sense of one upmanship and triumph it brings so I'm convinced this is a part of this.

Really don't know what to do. DS says he feels bad sneaking round but doesn't want to let his GP down. I want to nip this in the bud. I've text MIL and asked her to stop and she's resonded:

"you can't stop me meeting up with who I want to, he's my grandson and I'm entitled to see him, you may think you can dictate to people but I've got news for you.....you can't."

Any ideas how to deal with this? I'm totally at a loss, I'm worried by telling DS to stop it continues to happen in secret.

I would tell him the full story.
He needs to make an informed decision.

Be aware that your in-laws have now had months to feed him their version.

And that makes it ok??

Jeez

The OP has

I know - it actually makes it worse doesn’t it ? Hearing this type of slur from kids in a playground is one thing. Hearing it from your own family who are supposed to love and protect you is quite another.

There does seem to be a long back history of this sort of thing in OP’s situation though - this was possibly the last straw. To be honest if I knew my parents had talked about my disabled daughter in these terms I don’t think there’d be any coming back from it. They obviously consider her in some way inferior to their other grandchildren because she has the condition. Even without the deeply offensive slur used, that would be difficult to get past.

But at no point did I say that medical terminology does include calling someone with CP a ‘spastic’. I was simply pointing out that those medical terms are still used in reference to certain effects and symptoms. Absolutely no offence intended.

I've been through this whole scenario and much worse. Unfortunately this is more about your in-law's manipulation tactics and less about your son, who is after all only 15 and susceptible to this manipulation. They should have been upfront with you about wanting contact with him and had some difficult conversations with you and not be sneaking around. It will take time, possibly many years, but your son will start to see through them. Unfortunately a lot of damage can be done in the meantime.

This is a really good point.

Explain to your DS why you decided to go NC, tell him everything, he's old enough & let him decide what he want to do. If the Grandma likes to have one up on you then by you knowing & allowing him to see them, you've taken control of the situation so she might lose interest in seeing him now that it's not a secret anymore.

And @YellowAsteroid did you guys not read the thread???

FIL called his DGD a spaz because she has cerebral palsy. And they are racists.

This is why the NC is in place 🙄