NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

[AlliBali]

We're NC with my in-laws. Been NC for a year as a result of years of bad behaviours. Not got space to go into details but things like being openly hostile to me and SIL (it's DH and BIL's parents). Having little interest in my DD because she has additional needs, telling me to stop being lazy and taking advantage of DH when I was struggling with post partum depression (MIL openly thinks MH issues are just people being weak) the list is long and lots of stuff we're both just not willing to put up with anymore.

We discovered yesterday that DS15 has been meeting up with his GP's for 7 months against our wishes (he's aware of the NC and some of the general reasons why but no details). In-laws live in 30 mins away and have been texting him, arranging meet ups and telling him to keep it secret. He's been heading out to meet his friends and has instead been meeting GPs. We found out because we bumped into the friend he was meant to be meeting, asked DS when he got home and he told us the truth.

I'm livid, I honestly think this is mostly motivated by a defiance of our wishes, part of the NC was a general disinterest in all the grandkids so this recent interest is totally out of character. One of the traits of my MIL is always having to get the last word and the sense of one upmanship and triumph it brings so I'm convinced this is a part of this.

Really don't know what to do. DS says he feels bad sneaking round but doesn't want to let his GP down. I want to nip this in the bud. I've text MIL and asked her to stop and she's resonded:

"you can't stop me meeting up with who I want to, he's my grandson and I'm entitled to see him, you may think you can dictate to people but I've got news for you.....you can't."

Any ideas how to deal with this? I'm totally at a loss, I'm worried by telling DS to stop it continues to happen in secret.

@AlliBali well done- you have handled it very well

@AlliBali , well handled.

Good that he asked BiL questions too, he's starting a reframing of the situation now he has more information, it may take time, but I think you've done all you can for now unless he comes back to you for more questions. I think you did a really good job.

Was the sister who went with him for the dinner, your DD with CP? Did BIL spell out why they went NC, and tell of the sp*z reference?

I know, I'm a grandparent who tried to continue seeing our grandchildren, in the end it felt like no-one actually cared enough to help keep the relationships in tact. I'm hoping for a positive outcome one day too.
Yourself friend & his DD is a success story, they can now make up for lost time

Yep. Who are you? The internet police? He will hear worse in the playground than from his grandparents.

Welfare services are stretched as it is.
He's 15, old enough to decide to see them and 16 in less than a year, when he could go NC with his parents if he chose to.

This is peak age of 'know it all' and would drive him further away.

Agree.

The BIL should have called the GPs out when they used that term.

Seperate to OP, seems everyone is quick to go NC for the slightest thing.

There are genuine cases of course, but a lot jumping on the band wagon.

The expectation is that normal grandparents will love their grandchildren. These grandparents seem to have nothing but contempt for their grand-daughter with disabilities.

One would also expect that grand-parents have more emotional intelligence and compassion than a group of kids in the playground.

You set a very low bar for these grandparents. Their son now has all the facts and can make his own decision.

A question for those that want to punish the boy for lying.
Do you not understand the power that this will hand over to the GP's?

We had undermining grandparents from the off - so our kids had to learn from young ages what we said went and we didn't care what DGP were giving permission for - they knew where their parents stood and if they choses to go against that they were in trouble.

Did same when DS fell in with a bad crowd - didn't care what they got away with or what they said - he knew right from wrong and his actions were what we were concerned with.

So even lying to us even with others connivance was an active choice they were making and one they could be punished for - they couldn't blame others for their behavior. Though most of the punishment would be really stern talking to - making it clear we were extremely disappointed.

However the OP knows her son and the relationship they have better than anyone on here - so if making it clear he wasn't in trouble for lying was way she felt was best and to keep focus on why NC - I don't think anyone is in a position to second guess her and it does seem to have worked in that her DS is asking questions of other relatives.

They use racist slurs openly, they have an pretty toxic view of people on low incomes. The language they use to describe migrants is not at all acceptable.
While I don't think there's any issue with physical harm I don't want my kids to spend time with people with those kind of views.

Honestly i think you're in the wrong here. While their opinions may be unpleasant, prohibiting contact is unnecessarily harsh on your kids.

I'm baffled that you think that prohibiting contact is unnecessarily harsh on the OP's kids given what FIL said about his own disabled grand-daughter.

Really? Have you RTFT? "Grandad" referred to his disabled Granddaughter as a "sp*z". You'd be ok with that would you?

Bloody hell! They really do sound like a piece of work! I am pretty convinced that the reason your son is seeing them is because they have initiated this to get at you and your DH. They see it as a challenge and they know it will upset you and so I should imagine they are doing this for all the wrong reasons and actually probably couldn’t care less whether they see your DS or not. The name they called your DD is absolutely unforgivable, what nasty people! Although your DS is old enough to make his own decisions in terms of who he sees, hopefully in time he will see that their views on not aligned with his or yours and he will eventually distance himself from them and you will eventually win out. I would just bide my time, say nothing to the grandparents as by raising it with them, they know they are getting to you but by all means expand on the reasons why you have gone NC to your DS in a calm and unemotional manner, if you think it would help. I wish you all the best.

Definitely this!

At 15, the boy is also entitled to see what relatives he wants to see. 🤷‍♀️

Nope. No policing. Just genuinely surprised that anyone who had read and understood the OP and her updates could post as you did. The decision to go NC was for a very good reason. Her daughter has cerebral palsy and ‘sp*z’ is a derivative of the medical term Spastic - just about the worst thing you could call someone with CP, and it’s use as a slur was the main reason why the name of the condition was changed. Hearing it used in the playground would be bad enough (surprised you think it’s acceptable in this day and age to be honest) but your own parents using the word, and in such disgusting terms against your disabled child is utterly inexcusable. You referred to his decision to continue to see his grandparents as ‘sensible’. I wonder if he still thinks that way now that he knows the truth about them.

How harsh do you think the word ‘sp*z’ would sound coming from your own grandparents ?

I consider myself to be very rational and the last person to overreact to behaviour. If anything I'm prone to being too forgiving.

But if their grandparent said to a neighbour about my child:
"...not the sp_z one though, that's David's, it's the two normal ones today" that would be the end of our relationship.

I have heard the word used by older people (older than I and I'm in my seventies), in more recent times. They haven't learned that it is not now used but they need to step out of their boxes and take note of how society has moved on with language. It's up to younger people to tell them.

However none of them used the word with the intention of being offensive and insulting the person with cerebral palsy.

The op's parents-in-law do, or did, and disregard their granddaughter which I think is dreadful.

I would say at 15 he's entirely entitled to make his own choice here if he wants to have a relationship with them. You can still be no contact , but unless there is Safeguarding issues I'd keep out and support you 15 yr old. If they are terrible people dc will see this for themselves

I’m disabled myself - I have Spina Bifida, so why would I defend one of the worst ableist slurs that should have been consigned to the bin long ago ? Show me where I used it as a noun or even intimated that it was currently a word used to describe Cerebral Palsy ?

The poster I was answering said that the term ‘spastic’ was still acceptable medical terminology when she was younger. I was pointing out that it still is. And to be clear, not as a noun - but as an adjective to describe symptoms associated with damage to the brain, spinal cord or motor nerves, and is seen in individuals with neurological conditions, such as Spina Bifida and Cerebral Palsy.

The words ‘spastic’ and ‘spasticity’ are used in current medical terminology to describe to the disruption to the muscles, and they appear on medical reports - they’re used in several of my own. The slur the grandfather used was an insulting derivative of those terms. That specific slur was the reason that the word ‘spastic’ was replaced by Cerebral Palsy, and that the spastic society was renamed ‘Scope’. Clear enough ?

How on earth can you use the word without intending it to be insulting, given that it’s a deliberately derogative term derived from the old name for CP ?

You’ve misunderstood my post. Can you please have a look at my more detailed answer upthread to another poster concerning this. The terms ‘spastic’ and ‘spasticity’ are still current, acceptable medical terminology - not used as a noun, but as an adjective to describe the muscular effects of neurological conditions including Cerebral Palsy.

I haven't misunderstood your post. I think you misunderstood mine. Maybe I didn't make it clear. I understand the proper use of spastic and spasticity, as I used it for 20 years in my professional life.

My point was that medical terminology does not include calling a person with CP 'a spastic'.