NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

[AlliBali]

We're NC with my in-laws. Been NC for a year as a result of years of bad behaviours. Not got space to go into details but things like being openly hostile to me and SIL (it's DH and BIL's parents). Having little interest in my DD because she has additional needs, telling me to stop being lazy and taking advantage of DH when I was struggling with post partum depression (MIL openly thinks MH issues are just people being weak) the list is long and lots of stuff we're both just not willing to put up with anymore.

We discovered yesterday that DS15 has been meeting up with his GP's for 7 months against our wishes (he's aware of the NC and some of the general reasons why but no details). In-laws live in 30 mins away and have been texting him, arranging meet ups and telling him to keep it secret. He's been heading out to meet his friends and has instead been meeting GPs. We found out because we bumped into the friend he was meant to be meeting, asked DS when he got home and he told us the truth.

I'm livid, I honestly think this is mostly motivated by a defiance of our wishes, part of the NC was a general disinterest in all the grandkids so this recent interest is totally out of character. One of the traits of my MIL is always having to get the last word and the sense of one upmanship and triumph it brings so I'm convinced this is a part of this.

Really don't know what to do. DS says he feels bad sneaking round but doesn't want to let his GP down. I want to nip this in the bud. I've text MIL and asked her to stop and she's resonded:

"you can't stop me meeting up with who I want to, he's my grandson and I'm entitled to see him, you may think you can dictate to people but I've got news for you.....you can't."

Any ideas how to deal with this? I'm totally at a loss, I'm worried by telling DS to stop it continues to happen in secret.

Yep. This. Given how horrendous the slur was, it’ll be difficult to talk about without seeming to be trying to influence his decision, but if they can find a way to couch it in neutral terms - bald facts - then I think he has a right to know the kind of people he is potentially going to become closer to.

The grandparents will deny saying the awful things, can BiL talk to him after you have?

I'd share every nasty detail of their behaviour with your ds. Make sure he understands how loathsome they are. Explain that them telling him to keep secrets is never ok and you are very disappointed in him but understand that the nastiness and spite come from them.

I'd do everything to discourage him from meeting them. Make it clear he owes them nothing.

Or move to get away from them.

If DS knew what they'd said about his sister would he still want to see them do you think OP?

As upsetting as it is your Ds needs to know the full story about what and what they have said. Not just to you and your family but to his Auntie and Uncle too.
He doesn't want to let them down but will be letting down his sister and the rest of the family by seeing them without knowing the full story.
Be prepared for them to lie through their teeth if Ds confronts them about what they have said.

Is it possible he might be receiving "pocket money" from them? Something to be keeping him controlled and visiting them?

Please tell him. What they’re doing is horrible - it looks like they’re only seeing him like this in order to have the last word and to get one up on you. They’re using him.

Tell him everything, including that. He needs to be upset. Hopefully he then won’t want to indulge them any more and you can message MIL:

’a shame. We hadn’t told DS exactly why you’ve been cut off, we didn’t think he needed to really know the extent of your poisonous natures. Obviously now we’ve had to make things clearer for him. You won’t be surprised to know that he wants nothing further to do with you. You’re blocked. Have the lives you deserve’

You absolutely need to tell him that part. How much more upset would he be if you don’t and he carries on seeing them then discovers you’d withheld that part later.

@AlliBali DS is old enough to hear the reasons in full, presented without emotion or bias (understand that’s hard) and for you to say, ‘whether you see them or not is up to you, we will not hold it against you if you wish to stay in contact, but here are the events that have resulted in us and others going NC’.

It's interesting they're now seeing him so regularly, since you went NC. My feeling is they're doing it deliberately to get up your nose/show you who's boss. You need to take the wind out of their sails - tell DS exactly why you went NC, then tell him if he wants to continue seeing them, fine, but it must be above board, no more secrets.
I think that will take the fun out of it for your PIL and they might drift away again.

You need to tell him literally everything.

It's actually a positive in some ways because it shows the whole family outside of the GP are good people who do the right thing, it's not just you.

He is 15 and old enough to enjoy time with his dear GPs!

At 15 he's old enough to make his own relationship with his extended family.

Why would you want to punish him ? He’s fifteen and obviously felt strongly enough to want to see his GP, but didn’t want to upset his parents. If OP hasn’t explained the details of why they went NC up to this point, then telling him the full facts now will give him the opportunity to make an informed decision as to whether he wants to continue contact. If he does, I don’t think OP has much choice other than to allow it so that he doesn’t feel as though he has to sneak around.

He is old enough to be told. A fifteen year old does not need protected from hearing racist and unpleasant names. At the moment he has been told he can't see his GP for an unspecified reason, and of course that isn't going to seem reasonable to him. His actions can't be controlled like a young child's can. Tell him so that he can make a properly informed decision. Not some waterdowned version which will still seem unconvincing, tell him the truth. After that he can make his own decision and if he wants to still see them, then make it no longer a secret.

Dangerous to tell a teenager to keep a secret about meetings. Not sensible. But DC is 15 and can make some decisions. Let him continue to meet GP. If they are so toxic at some point he will realise this. Also explain safeguarding to him and that it's not wise to meet even GP and lie about where he is.

Your poor DS
i really feel for him

This.
Does he genuinely want to meet up with them or does he feel he should?
Are they coercing him via text ?
Might help if you sit ds down and explain why you’re nc with his grandparents.

His dear GPs called his own sister who has cerebral palsy a 'sp*z'.

"you can't stop me meeting up with who I want to, he's my grandson and I'm entitled to see him, you may think you can dictate to people but I've got news for you.....you can't."

She is right.

they sound obscene

but at 15, if the DS knows this and still wants to meet them, that is his prerogative

Get a civil injunction

well of course you must tell him

the fact you haven’t, is why he’s been sneaking around meeting them

oh ignore this kind of nonsense

I suppose it is his prerogative, but how disappointed would his parents feel.