To have unfriended this person?

[unfriender]

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

YBVVU. But hey, you can unfriend whoever you want and, in this case, I think they'd be better off for it.

If I had a holiday or anything planned and something like this happened my mum would want me to carry on and live my life. Doesn’t mean she isn’t grieving or breaking down inside. Even if it wasn’t planned, grief doesn’t have a handbook. This might be what she needed right now. She deffo doesn’t need judgmental people, so you did the right thing for her by unfriending her.

Yes, I know in retrospect I was unreasonable to unfriend her, it was a knee jerk reaction. However, I cannot help the way I feel, even if the replies have shown it's not how most people would feel. Sorry about that. When I read her mum had died I felt desperately sorry for her as I knew how bad I felt. She was on my mind so was shocked when I saw her posting as if nothing had happened.

As I said in my OP, she was not a close friend and I hadn't seen her for years so I will not be messaging her to apologise or attempting to refriend her. What's done is done so I will just hope she doesn't notice.

Thank you for your input.

Her mother will still be dead by the time she gets back from her holiday.

You've done her a favour by unfriending her - she absolutely does not need a judgement “friend” like you in her life, dictating how she should feel about her own mother’s death and projecting your own grief and “I would never”s on to her. Grief is totally individual so how dare you dictate how she should handle it.

If she does notice, she will see that a supposed friend deleted her right after her mother died.

I hope she sees your true colours. Such an unnecessary and nasty thing to do.

We had a family bereavement recently. It was expected, but that still made the person's death sad.
A fortnight later, we went on holiday and had a really nice time.
We had the funeral on our return.

Doesn't mean we aren't sad, or mourning.

When my very loved mother died, I went to a hairdresser appointment the following day. It made no difference to the fact that she was dead, there was nothing I could do, realistically, as I'd informed the relevant people immediately. No point sitting at home. She'd not have appreciated me sitting around doing nothing for no good reason.

You know that you can feel devastated by something and still go about daily life? Do nice things? Not become a shrieking banshee of misery, tearing your hair out publicly?

A few holiday snaps when she's smiling gives you absolutely zero insight into what's going on inside her head. Such a nasty, twisted way of thinking that she's just acting like nothing happened.

You said in your op your sister said she was not going to unfriend her. Did you ask her to? If so YABVU.

You can choose to unfriend her if you wish, you sound like you are happy in your decision so unsure the point of the post but you must be very naive if you can't see that just because your friend grieves differently does not make her a bad person and worthy of your criticism

People grieve in their own way. I went away after my DM's funeral to stay with DD's in-laws in Devon. I had lost my DH at the end of January and then my mother died a couple of weeks after his funeral. I visited a NT property, went walking on the beach, had a good time in a pub, went round an art gallery and generally had a nice time - and was grieving for my DH, my DM, and the fact that my mainstay for my grief at my DM's death, my DH, was not there. Most of the pictures look happy - some I am obviously just holding on to it. If I chose one for Facebook, it would be a happy-looking one - or maybe the loo in Agatha Christie's house. This does not mean I wasn't deeply unhappy (and on strong anti-depressants which were also sleeping tablets). I think you are happy in your decision but unfriending someone when she is in grief for her DM is not very friendly.

Without wishing to spoil the surprise too much: I have never seen an AIBU vote that was quite as definitive as this. Certainly not a YABU vote.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course, she isn't putting photos on of those moments where she's upset. Shes putting a brave face on for her family and probably forherr ownmentall health they have gone away

You don't get to judge and determine how others grieve

I dosnt shed a single tear for my dad who i was super close to until about 6 months later

He would have been delighted if i has distracted myself with a holiday

You sound like the grief police

Jeez, my gran (mum’s mum) died on Christmas Eve. We got the call around 11pm, rushed out but didn’t make it to see her. Came home after midnight… and my mum suggested opening stockings and maybe the gifts my gran had got us all, have a glass of wine for her and then go to bed. So we did. We had Christmas Day with the family, laughing, having drinks, playing stupid games like charades… all normal Christmas stuff with photos. As well as somber moments thinking of my gran, talking about her, toasting her. You’d probably have been horrified to see our Christmas photos less than 24 hours after her death, right? But it was right for us. And we loved her. It didn’t lessen that.

You reacted overr something that was non of your business.
Maybe she wasn't close to her mum. Maybe she already knew her mum was dying and had come to terms with the loss for years before it happend.
Maybe she has a different outlook on life and thinks her mum wouldn't want her being sad and life is short so enjoy it.
Or perhaps she's putting a brave face on for her kids.
A photo takes 1 second to take and doesn't mean a single thing. She certainly doesn't have to run it by you.

My gran died 12 hours before my flight to travel round Italy. It was all paid. My mum said, there is nothing you can do and nothing will bring her back so go and make the most of it. I dealt with things once I was home

You did her a favor. Nobody needs a 'friend' who's so judgemental and petty as to unfriend on SM.

You've massively overreacted and been hugely judgemental OP!

My Mum lived for her holidays. She'd start planning a holiday the moment she got back from her last one. Had I cancelled a holiday because she'd just died she'd have rolled over in her grave (Well OK, in the mortuary if it was before the funeral!)

And people grieve in hugely different ways. 2 days after my Mum died I was the happiest I'd been in months. I was relieved, that she wasn't in pain any more, that we could get on with our lives after years of worrying about her. That didn't mean I didn't miss her hugely, but I'd been grieving her for weeks, from when we'd realised this was the end. I wasn't devastated when she died, because I'd already done devastated. I'd done my processing while sat at her bedside watching her struggle to breathe for her last 48 hours.

So when she died I took a day, gathered myself and then got on with things. That doesn't make me callous, or cold or anything like that. I still had my moments alone where I cried for months afterwards, and even 5 years later I still talk to her sometimes when I'm home alone. But to the outside world I was fine. I could have gone on holiday before the funeral and easily enjoyed myself.

You're friend going on holiday says nothing bad about her @unfriender , your reaction to it on the other hand says a lot about who you are as a person.

As I said in my OP, she was not a close friend and I hadn't seen her for years so I will not be messaging her to apologise or attempting to refriend her

Great way to kick someone when they're down. I bet your mum would be super proud of you....

My sister was diagnosed with cancer days after I had booked a family holiday and she passed away less than 12 weeks later, a week before the departure date.

I had spent most the summer nursing my sister and decided that the opportunity of the non-refundable holiday would be a good chance to reconnect with my kids.

We obviously would have cancelled if my sister was still terminally ill by the time the holiday date came, but I had already given her my all, there was nothing else I could have done for her at that point.

I made sure I had the initial meeting with the funeral director and there was a long wait for a funeral date, so the funeral wasn't delayed by my going away. I spent most the holiday on the phone organising stuff while I was away.

To be honest, I couldn't give a shit if I offended anyone by going away that week.

You’ve learnt nothing from all these posts have you.

you actually think you loved your mother more, because you showed your grief differently.

on a plus, I’m glad you’re not going to add her as a friend again, she deserves better.

Mourning your own mother has NOTHING to do with how she mourns or doesn’t mourn hers. And it doesn’t justify your behaviour.

YABVU

Wow! I actually cannot believe how judgemental you are!
How do you know she wasn't crying just before/after the pic?
Have you never put on a brave face when you have been devastated inside?
Maybe her mum made her promise to go on the holiday before she died.
Just as well you're not that close really, talk about kicking someone when they are down.

Three things from this:

1. it is a reverse?
2. there will be a huge drip feed
3. OP has flounced because no one really thinks she is reasonable!

That was really nasty of you OP, and completely uncalled for.

When my beloved father died, I took half a day off to register the death (the day after he died). I turned up to work the morning after he died at 2am, so my patients wouldn't turn up and not be seen.

That is the entirety of the time I took off. Not because I don't care, but because he was still dead, whatever I did.

At his funeral we all laughed and danced and reminisced. The photos are joyous. And I know for a fact, because he was a fucking legend, he'd have hated for it to be any different.

I would never begrudge my loved ones their momentary happiness when I was dead. If you would, you need to take a long look at yourself.

You did not 'feel' something more because of the way you behaved. You just choose to make your grief more public.

If you were a decent person you would apologise for blocking this person and explain what you have learned. So - are you decent, OP?

Or maybe she was and thought her mum would have wanted her to go on the holiday . Who knows, OP it's none of your business but you can unfriend whoever you want

YABVVU.

If she wants to go on holiday at this time, what bloody business is that of yours.