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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have unfriended this person?

306 replies

unfriender · 28/09/2024 11:20

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

OP posts:
Cosycover · 29/09/2024 12:41

It's literally fuck all to do with you.

Shes better off though...so there's that.

Acommonreader · 29/09/2024 12:45

This is very judgmental of you and shows a lack of understanding that people are different!
Some people are not devastated at the time or years after a death.
Some deaths are a relief- painful illness, dementia etc.
Some people are upset but try to get on with life especially if they have kids.
Your own experience of life is not universal.

MyBirthdayMonth · 29/09/2024 12:48

You don't get to tell another person how she should feel or how she should express it.

JohnSt1 · 29/09/2024 12:55

Talk about kicking someone when she's down.

How could you treat someone like this who just lost her mother?

Umidontknow · 04/10/2024 19:57

What makes you have the right to dictate how someone should greive? Do you know the ins and outs of their relationship or the circumstances in which her mother died. Sometimes it is a relief that the person is out of pain. Lots of people would rather their family members where not sat around devastated and would much rather their life was celebrated. You also dont know how that person is underneath a smile for a camera. You over reacted.

Overthiscrap · 04/10/2024 19:58

Quite frankly a few photos on Facebook doesn’t show how someone is feeling in real life. 6 weeks after my dads passing we went away for the weekend to celebrate a family members special bday with friends. I put on a good front but in our room I cried myself to sleep one night and woke myself in tears the next. My husband commented on how sad I looked when we were on our own.
it makes me sad to think I night have had friends who judged me for trying to have a nice time.

Backtoblack87 · 04/10/2024 20:03

I think what you did was unfair. Maybe she needed the holiday to help her grieve. You sound very judgemental

1HappyTraveller · 04/10/2024 20:04

D*CK MOVE!

Heaven forbid that someone might find happiness in a time of sadness. I’m sure the
holiday was well needed.

I’m sorry for you loss but everyone reacts differently in times of grief and you are in no place to pass judgment on how they behave. You have not tried to stand in her shoes you have just stood in your own! You have completely overreacted.

YABU

Bellatrixpure · 04/10/2024 20:05

It is none of your business how she deals with her grief. Try being a supportive friend instead of a judgemental bag

1HappyTraveller · 04/10/2024 20:06

Overthiscrap · 04/10/2024 19:58

Quite frankly a few photos on Facebook doesn’t show how someone is feeling in real life. 6 weeks after my dads passing we went away for the weekend to celebrate a family members special bday with friends. I put on a good front but in our room I cried myself to sleep one night and woke myself in tears the next. My husband commented on how sad I looked when we were on our own.
it makes me sad to think I night have had friends who judged me for trying to have a nice time.

Friends wouldn’t judge you. I’m sorry for your loss.

Manthide · 04/10/2024 20:07

My younger brother died just over 6 months ago, 3 weeks after his cancer diagnosis and my parents and I are devastated. My parents have been on 4 holidays since, one about a month after he died and most recently a 22 day cruise. They are still grieving him! There is no correct way to mourn and you need to take a good look at yourself and get off your high horse.

Changeforthis79 · 04/10/2024 20:10

You really aren't a nice person. I went through a terrible bereavement a while ago and after a while I had to make a choice to either make my life happy or let the loss of my boyfriend drag me down too. I'd be mortified if someone had thought I wasn't grieving 'correctly' Not everything is about you.

TwistedWonder · 04/10/2024 20:13

You’ve done her a massive favour by removing your judgement from her life.

No one needs a friend like you

ChaToilLeam · 04/10/2024 20:14

You’ve been an arse, OP. Sorry, but you have. Your judgement over someone who doesn’t grieve the way you do is highly unnecessary and unreasonable.

My cousin went on holiday shortly after her mother’s funeral. She thoroughly needed the break. What do you want, sackcloth and ashes? Not everyone wants to post sad pictures, gifs of candles and commemorative poems after a bereavement.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/10/2024 20:16

Some people don't want to put on a public display of grief. Doesn't mean they don't feel it as deeply as anyone else.
She was putting on a good face in public, probably for her DC's sake, deciding to spend time with her nearest while they were all in good health and while they could. Good for her.

ChampagneLassie · 04/10/2024 20:19

I think it’s a strange response and I think posting asking others is also strange. Why does your opinion of this woman’s actions matter? And why do you need validation or reprimanding for your decision to unfriend her?

Imjustlikeyou · 04/10/2024 20:19

But she is not you and her mum is not your mum op. I can’t believe you’ve got to an age where you have adult children and yet were so bloody stupid on this occasion. I would just add her back and make out it was a mistake.

ILoveToCleanSaidNooneEver · 04/10/2024 20:30

You definitely overreacted and probably shouldn't be on social media full stop. You are entitled to unfriend who you like however.

ILoveToCleanSaidNooneEver · 04/10/2024 20:40

My jaw actually dropped reading your opening post, and for context, I lost my mum when I was 21. It changed my entire life. I would never judge someone else for going on holiday after they'd lost a loved one, especially as the loved one would've potentially made them promise not to cancel their holiday. You really need to get hold of your feelings and grief before it ruins you.

Tortielady · 04/10/2024 20:50

A photo is just a snapshot in time. It tells you nothing about the wider reality outside the frame and the moment. Some years ago I woke up to the news of a loved one's death from a cruel illness. Although it was expected and a release from pain, I still had to work out how to start the day, so DH took me out for a walk and some breakfast. Anyone seeing a photo of me looking at the river in the park and tucking into a breakfast panini would have thought all was well. It really wasn't. I had to learn to be in the world without my loved one, alongside other people who'd been through similar things or would one day and might even have been where I was then. Grief is complex, it makes the world shift on its axis and there are many ways to find your footing again. I hope, OP, you've learned something from this and will be more careful with your judgements in future.

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 04/10/2024 20:57

"My younger brother died just over 6 months ago, 3 weeks after his cancer diagnosis and my parents and I are devastated."

Sorry for your loss. X

OP you are horribly judgemental, what an awful thing to do unfriending her like that

Differentbreed · 04/10/2024 20:58

I lost my mum when I was 27, I was in shock for 2 months and carried on as if nothing had happened. I wore turquoise to her funeral (asked my dad, brother and aunt if it was ok as it was her favourite colour on me - do not regret that one bit). I exploded with grief 2 months later and cried for days. It’s possible she is just dealing with grief her own way.

Pizzaaah · 04/10/2024 21:06

Urgh. She’s better off without you.

TwistedWonder · 04/10/2024 21:06

My friend passed from a sudden heart attack earlier this year aged 55. It was on a Saturday and so a few of us went out to a local pub with a dj. We danced and drank lots and raised a glass of bubbly to toast her life. There were photos of us posted in FB smiling and raising our glasses.

I know it’s a cliche but age would have wanted us to dance drink and smile. Anyone judging us can quite frankly fuck off.

OopsOhNoZHM · 04/10/2024 21:24

A few years ago, a manager at then job passed away. Knocked us all as she was in her 40's and was completely out of the blue. I got the call as I was on my way to a photoshoot with my kids. We went ahead with the shoot, slapping on smiles for the camera, whilst talking life insurance policies off cam. It was a very mixed day.
An announcement went out on fb from her family, and a lot of us had her family members as friends on there. I noticed a lot of people weren't posting about their lives as they normally would, we didn't mention our shoot, it felt like an unspoken, collective decision, because while yes life goes on, it felt respectful to tone it down. Except one person, who carried on with all her posting about her nutriboom (not the actual name but you know the type) shakes or supplements, whatever it was. Post after post. Idk, it didn't sit right with me, I felt like she could have at least held off for one day. But you can't control other people, only how you react to it, I decided I didn't want to see that so I unfriended her 🤷🏼‍♀️ it's just one of those things, everyone has a right to their own business.
Your friend is the same, and you need to remember that the pic she's posted is one moment in an entire day, she might have been ugly snot crying 5 minutes before that pic was taken. People only show what they want people to see, and let's face it, people only want to see the polished version. Her getting away on holiday is like putting herself in a bubble before she has to face the reality of burying her mother. If I liked my mother, I'd probably take that opportunity too if it was presented 🤷🏼‍♀️