To have unfriended this person?

[unfriender]

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

No one gets to dictate how another person grieves.

Why do you assume from just ONE photo that your friend is not helping her siblings with sorting things out? There's not that much work involved in planning a funeral, after all - I managed it all within a day or two for my mother with no help from anyone.

Are all you friendships conditional on friends behaving as you expect them to at all times? Are they not allowed to live their own lives and manage their grief as they want to?

You are judgemental, self righteous and quite frankly how she manages her grief is none of your business. YABVVU.

DP and I had four parents. Two of their deaths were unexpected and we were upset and cancelled various plans for a while. But two of them were blessed relief at the end of long illnesses that had slowly destroyed the person in question, and we had already done most of our grieving when they were alive. I don't remember if we went away on holiday shortly after, but if we had done we would have looked very happy in the photos.

@Ella31 I wish I had more eloquent words to express how very sorry I am for your loss. 💐

I'm not taking the bait.

I wish I hadn't!

What a weird thread. Elderly people dying is part of the circle of life. My DM is still with me, but quite a few of my friends have lost their parent over the last couple of years. They have been incredibly sad but they have also got on with their lives, have talked about how wonderful their DPs were and what good lives they had and that death is inevitable and for some meant that they were no longer in pain or suffering. Others may not react like that an grieve very differently. All ways are fine.

What did you expect her to do, OP?

I’m guessing that it was some form of dementia. If so, I know how you feel. My mum is in the final stages of advanced vascular dementia and every day for the past three years I’ve lost a little bit more of her. I know I won’t have her very much longer and like you, I’ve done a lot of grieving already. I will be devastated when the inevitable happens. But there will be relief as well - that’s she’s released from the prison her brain and failing body have become. OP would probably think I’m a terrible person for thinking that way.

On the off chance this is real, you are obviously unreasonable

When I was a child, my parents and I few off on holiday straight after my sibling's funeral. I say 'holiday' - my parents weren't exactly living it large on sun, sea and sangria. But they said they just needed to get away from the house as it was too upsetting being there in the immediate aftermath without one child.

Who knows - they might even have flown out between the death and the funeral were it for the fact the funeral happened two days after the death (long time ago).

My own mum's funeral was 3 weeks after her death. Funeral arrangements were well in place and were it not for the fact I had pets to take care of, I might have flown somewhere warm for a break. Why not? They're still gonna be dead when you come back and it's a bit of a breather from relentless phone calls.

I think you've probably done this woman a favour though, @unfriender . She won't need such judgey people in her life. I wonder what your sister REALLY thinks of your behaviour though.

Everyone grieves and has different relationships with their parents. I lost my DPs young but I wouldn’t judge anyone for their grieving actions. Maybe she wasn’t insured for the holiday and took it, maybe it’s a good break for her family? Maybe her and her mum had a difficult relationship?
We went away as a family when FIL was on his last legs, he died about a week later. We weren’t insured for him dying as he had been ‘dying’ for months, he had end-stage dementia so wasn’t aware of what was going on. I posted nice pics on FB. No-one thought it was strange.

I know someone that went on holiday really soon after her mum died. People judged her for it. What they didn't see was the years of care she had given, sacrificing her own wellbeing. She spent the last week at the hospital with her dear mum. She needed to get away. I supported her wholeheartedly.

The time between death and the funeral is such a difficult time. People need to get through it any way they can.

I am one of the 1% who thinks you are not being unreasonable. I live in Ireland and nobody would post something like that on SM after the death of a parent, no matter what their relationship was like. It must be a cultural thing.

Standing by for the deletion message because "Op was concerned they'd be identified in real life" when in reality it's because they didn't get the answer they wanted.

There’s a difference between going on a holiday and posting yourself having a laugh on social media before the funeral has even taken place.

My parents were Irish and I've got lots of family who still live there. This wouldn't be an issue at all. Maybe the people you know, but not a flat out Irish thing.

When my 94 yo old parent died with Alzheimer’s after years of working so hard to ensure a secure and happy life for them, and a calm peaceful death at home I would have de-friended YOU like a shot had I caught a whiff of your judgey pants.

I am so sorry about the loss of your Mum OP.

But where have you been the last few years? Not supporting your old acquaintance, it seems. One condolence message is hardly friendship.

She’s better off without you judging her from your high horse.

Massively unreasonable. You have no idea what she is going through behind closed doors. My DH lost his mum the day before our 15th wedding anniversary. 3 days later we travelled to a very expensive spa weekend that had been booked and paid for a year in advance. What outsiders would not have known; her death was not unexpected so we were preparing ourselves for it. There was nothing we could do in that “inbwerween” time so it helped with grief. The actual location that we travelled too (other side of the country), was where his late mother holidayed every single year for many years and is where her ashes will eventually be scattered so if held much spiritual significance. Yet someone looking on Facebook could have seen a photo with DH with a pint in his hand and thought “callous barsted” and unfriended him….

Sorry but you’ve behaved really fucking weirdly and she’s going to be wondering what she’s done wrong.
It sounds a little like you think you ‘own’ the grief of losing a mother.
Good for her for finding some light during a terrible time of grief.

Er, this is not what happened at all. OP said her friend posted a family photo of them on holiday. It was entirely OP’s opinion that it looked as though they were having a ‘fun time’. You have no idea of the circumstances surrounding the DM’s death, or why they chose to carry on with the holiday. People grieve in different ways - some put on a brave public face and do their grieving in private. It’s not a difficult concept. And it’s possible to have fun on holiday while still being very sad at the passing of a parent.

This. Well said.

See the thing is OP. What you've done is the same as me telling you, you should be over your mother's death by now..it's been years, get a grip....

It's not very nice is it? You're out of order. Your experience of grief is your experience.