To have unfriended this person?

[unfriender]

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

Thank you , we are doing well now and although it's early days, we are expecting our little rainbow. I know my boys are with us every second. I hope anyone reading this shocking thread understands that how you confront your own grief is entirely your choice. There's no magic remedy. Thank you for your lovely reply

This and far too invested in social media.
I'm sure the friend isn't bothered anyway, that's she's been unfriendly.

My second cousin died recently. His wife - they'd been married more than 50 years and were one of the closest and strongest couples I've ever known - went on holiday with one of their daughters for a week between his death and the funeral. She said "What we loved to do most together is travel. I'm not sitting at home on my own moping."

Incredibly harsh and judgemental. You don't have a clue about her or how this holiday could be helping her and her family. I wouldn't have you as a friend if you paid me.

Yes you were overreacting. You don't know how she is dealing with things or what is behind that photo. Even if you might have made a snap judgment it seems very disproportionate to unfriend her over something that's none of your business.

Your reaction is about you and not about her. Why do you think this triggered you so much? I'm sure she would assume that people wouldn't judge her for getting on with it and dealing with her bereavement in a way that suited her needs and circumstances, she'll probably be stumped as to why you unfriended her, it was quite a strong reaction and subsequent action. Bereavement affects us all differently, I wonder if it's emotions from your mum's death still sitting with you? You are human, we all have reactions, we just need to own them and be brave enough and have the integrity to dig into them and learn what we can about ourselves, maybe you need to focus on you and your response and not hers

Wow. I’m sorry for the loss of your mum, but try to remember that no two people’s experience of grief are the same. The holiday was probably exactly what she needed.
We owe it to those we’ve loved and lost to live our lives to the fullest.

However, I cannot help the way I feel, even if the replies have shown it's not how most people would feel.

But you can help the way you behave. So maybe for the future a) take on board that other people, like you, often feel and react differently to things and b) don’t let your feelings erupt into unkindness! By judging people and unfriending them for having different feelings to you.

I can’t help the way I feel about lots of things but I am not a toddler so I manage how I express it.

But underneath all this I guess you were projecting your own grief about your Mum, and these things catch us by surprise.

As I said in my OP, she was not a close friend and I hadn't seen her for years so I will not be messaging her to apologise or attempting to refriend her. What's done is done so I will just hope she doesn't notice.

I doubt she’ll notice but if she does, she’ll be thinking it’s no loss.

She probably accepted your friend request because you’re her friend’s sister.

I held my father’s hand as he died and two hours later took myself out for a pizza in the sunshine and a glass of wine. What a MONSTER.

If there was ever a YABU this is it.

This is the definition of BU. I took my kids to the zoo the day after my mum's funeral, and yes we did have a nice time. It doesn't mean I wasn't totally devastated by her death as I was and remain so more than a year later, but life doesn't stop, especially when you have kids. I also took my kids places in the period between her death and funeral and probably looked like I was having fun too.

You don't win grief top trumps because you did one thing and someone else does another.

Honestly I think she's probably dodged a bullet by you unfriending her anyway 🤷‍♀️

Please try and stop being so judgemental in future.

I will not be messaging her to apologise or attempting to refriend her. What's done is done so I will just hope she doesn't notice

Literally everyone in this thread has told you, YABU (and actually rather cruel in fact) but you refuse to do anything about it. Why even bother asking then?

Enjoy being self righteous, but if you carry on in this vein, punishing people for not behaving in the exact same way as you to upsetting life events then you will end up very alone in the future and you will only have yourself to blame.

Her mum's just died.

You've unfriended her without any explanation.

So again. Her mum has just died. You've basically communicated that you no longer wish to speak to her. But with no explanation.

If this was someone you lived close to would you blank them in the street? FFS.

Such a strange and weird reaction to something that has absolutely fuck all to do with you. Its good that you have unfriended this person because atleast now they don't have you judging their life.

You can’t judge everyone by your own standards. Especially where grief is concerned. We all grieve differently and life does have to go on. Her going on holiday doesn’t mean she’s any less sad about the death of her mother. Unfriending her was a very extreme thing to do, but if you feel that strongly about it, it’s likely better for her that you won’t be able to pass judgement on her life from now on. Your sister was right.

And you think you’re the gatekeeper for how someone grieves the loss of their own mother why, exactly?

You do realise that everyone grieves differently and you have no say or control over how someone handles death? Her mother isn’t even any relation to you. You are bizarre. Keep your nose out.

Imagine this. Another friend of yours also lost her mum and consequently in a show of mourning, wore only black, including a black veil for the following year. She then unfriends you because during your period of mourning you dared to wear ordinary clothes. Would this be ridiculous?

With respect & kindness, focus on your own game. Your post shows you have a limited understanding of the bigger picture in life.

I read about this concept and I think you might find it interesting. Basically, everyone in life has an inner or an outer scorecard. this is the framework you use when making decisions.

An Outer Scorecard is based on how the external world sees you, judges you, and stacks you up in comparison to others, an Inner Scorecard is something based on what you truly want without thinking too much about what other people think of you. Life is a lot easier with an Inner scorecard.

You might like to think about this when you’re next judging someone’s behaviour.

YABU

People grieve differently
Maybe the holiday was pre booked
Maybe her mums death had been expected for a long time
Photos on social media don't show the full picture. It's a snapshot of a moment in time and in my experience often quite deceiving. I've seen friends post smiley happy pictures when there going through terrible times.

I do think this has triggered the loss of your own mum 💐

I'm embarrassed that you returned to this thread to try and justify it again.

I hate all this “I can’t help the way I feel” crap. It’s such an abdication of responsibility. You need to look at why you thought this was in any way an appropriate reaction. At why you made a friend’s grief into YOUR drama. It’s not the behaviour of a rational adult.

I’ve had a best friend (she’s not now) have a go at me being happy after her mum died, or behaving a certain way because apparently grief takes 2 years. I never knew there was a time limit on grief.

My dad died when I was 22/23 but as I didn’t know him that well it wasn’t hard, but it was still a big shock as I was grieving for the relationship we should’ve had as father/daughter.

That was a really awful thing to do to her OP.