To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

I do think you're missing the hypocrisy in what you are saying. You didn't do Harry Potter when your daughter was younger because you didn't want to do it. Now, your daughter doesn't want to do it, but you are going to force her to do it. You are lucky that you had the privilege to wait until you were ready to go, so you should really try to empathise with your daughter not being given that same privilige.

Someone else mentioned similar to this - I am also autistic and when I get obsessed and focused on something it is often powerful enough to override a lot of my usual fears about situations. If that interest wanes or disappears, the anxieties become more powerful and I cannot face that activity because of everything else surrounding it. If your daughter is no longer obsessed with Harry Potter, this experience might seem too stressful for her now. You're right that she probably will enjoy it when she is there. But forcing her to go instead of convincing her will cause a lot of anxiety.

🤣 This made me chuckle so much I woke the dog up 3:13 am

I've said it twice. I'm also autistic as is DS. And without a good reason I'm not ruining our family day out by two of us not going. You think I'm unreasonable, but I'm not convinced that I am.

I'm not sure why you've bothered asking if you're not open to being told you're being unreasonable.

You didn't go because you didn't want to. Now your daughter doesn't want to go, you're going to make her. You know she gets overwhelmed so I think YABU.

I mean honestly this is the view 99% of people I know have, and they aren't even teenagers. It's the predominant view, even shared by Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson etc.

I don't think it's the predominant view at all. Most teens I know are GC but scared to say their views as the brainwashed shout transphobic. Most adults I know are GC and fully support JK Rowling. She hasn't said anything transphobic, standing up for women's rights isn't transphobic.

You are being unreasonable. In this situation, you being autistic doesn't come into it. Your daughter is showing you something is making her feel uncomfortable and unhappy, she won't talk about it and that says a lot when she usually does. It's not ruining a day out, it's meeting your autistic daughter's needs and listening to her.

I'm autistic too, as is one of my children. Their needs come before my wants.

She sounds scared. Maybe now the thing she has wanted her entire life is happening, she feels overwhelmed ? Sometimes people want to stay in the wanting. It can be less enticing when you have it.

I'm undiagnosed autistic and one of my special interests when younger was the x files. I was obsessed for many years. When given a box set for Christmas, I blushed red and could barely contain my emotions as they were overwhelming. I wonder if dd feels frightened thst something she has loved forever is now in her grasp and she's pushing it away as it feels too much?

That's not to say don't take her. But maybe get try to get underneath what's worrying her

If that was true, wouldn’t the HP gaming sales have been affected? IIRC there was a LOT of online ranting about how no one would buy the games because JKR was toxic - then sales went through the roof.

So in other words, stomp on this teen’s morals, because they don’t align with yours?

I was brought up to understand that taking part in family life meant you didn’t always get your own way or go to everything that fitted in with your exact interests. Obviously we did stuff that I loved too at times. Very glad about this approach and am pretty sure it’s why I don’t go NC every time something doesn’t centre around me as an adult. If she can’t be left I’d bring her and offer to do something she wants to do next time (and stick to it). I’d also be checking what her concerns are, these places can be pretty hectic and maybe it’s that. Or maybe as others have suggested she is overwhelmed by it all and it’s coming out this way. In which case assumedly you have some strategies to support this?

Ah I hope you can figure out what the issue is, I'm sure the understanding would help her feel like she can go.

This is a long shot, but is it possible that the date you have booked falls into a themed experience she is not as keen on? At HP Studios, there is usually a theme going on, especially in the autumn, for example right now is the Dark Arts event and it says this on the website:

"Please note during our Dark Arts feature running until 10th November, there will be two processions of Death Eaters throughout the Studio Tour. The processions will use lighting and sound effects at the Leaky Cauldron, Dumbledore’s office, the Potion’s classroom, Hagrid’s hut and bike as well as the Hogwarts Express train and train tracks."

Is it possible that now the reality of being able to go is setting in, she is concerned or disappointed about some of the activities not being wheelchair accessible?

Does she access online communities or have online friends? Is it possible that while she wasn't bothered herself, someone has given her a hard time about going to HP Studios because of the JKR controversy and now she's upset and conflicted?

I do get what a conundrum it is; you want to figure it out so you can offer reassurance, but maybe listing out every possible reason for her not wanting to go, might just make her worried about things she wasn't even thinking about in the first place!

Do tell her, and if she is big into HP she may already be aware, that a huuuge proportion of the fandom are adults. I went when I was 21 and adored it, I'm 30 now and planning a repeat trip.

I guess if she needs care, the contingency will have to be that you all travel down, and if DD still really doesn't want to go, one of you sits with her and does something else while one of you and DS goes in.

Best of luck, hope it all works out

Take her. Get the headphone talking guide, tell them you have all have autism ( guide on tour looked out for us) and as you go into each room/section let her go sit in corner and listen to guide then look at what she wants while you stay with ds. Then leave each section together and move to next.
For what it’s worth my adhd/asd ds loved it and my dd has gone back three times now.
Don’t waste money on butter beer- it’s rank!

She may not be talking to you because she knows you know absolutely nothing about HP so her reasons would be hard to explain to you?

No but at 15 my kids did as they were asked .

I agree. In real life I’ve not heard anyway think she’s transphobic.

So you and DS spent years not wanting to go to Harry Potter and no one forced you to.
But now your DD doesn't want to go and she's being forced?

You didn't care about her big interests when she was really into it. You've missed the boat with taking her because she wasn't a priority to you. You can't whine that you want a lovely, family experience together at Harry Potter when you've spent years telling your daughter you didn't give a shit about going when she actually wanted to. You had several years where she'd have loved to have this lovely family experience but you decided it wasn't a priority to make it happen.

One of your kids wanted to go and the other didn't, so you didn't go. Potentially fair enough, although a real shame that you couldn't put your wants aside for your child's. But you still have one kid who wants to go and another who doesn't, so why is the default now that everyone is going? No wonder she's annoyed, you're clearly favouring her brother and it's not even subtle.

I think you’ve learned not to do surprises. Not everyone is a fan of surprises or days out.

People mentioned she might be bothered by the fact that you wouldnt go when she wanted to. Your counter point is that you didnt take her because YOU didnt want to.

So she wanted to go. You didn’t. You are both autistic. And you put your preferences about it first.

Now your son wants to go, you can bring yourself to go, even though you will find it boring and you are putting yourself out for your sons preferences first. So yes, her feeling like put out about this light contribute to it. You refusing to go for so long, meaning she couldn’t, but now you doing it because your son wants to is exactly the point people are making. She may feel second best and can’t articulate it.

Between this and the online stuff about JKR and just being a teen, I can see why she doesn’t want to go.

I think most teens go through a phase where anything they liked in childhood is pushed away. They don’t like it, they have outgrown it. Sometimes you then come back to it. I did the same with Disney. Mum loved Disney and we grew up with Disney films on all the time, trips to Disney etc. the. In my late teens it became lame and embarrassing. Then in my twenties I wanted to go again and have been a few times since. My daughter (now 20) did the same with the things she was into. She adored Bear in the big blue house for quite a bit of her childhood. Then It became embarrassing that she ever liked it. Then last Christmas Eve we sat with my other teen and watched the bear in the big blue house Christmas special. It was very nostalgic and we did have a laugh about it. She even jumped up and did one of the dances that she still remembered.

It’s almost like they have to push their childhood away, then when they have achieved that, they like to indulge it a bit.

Honestly, not sure what I would do. I don’t see much value in forcing a teen to do a family day out if they really don’t want to. Usually makes the day a bad day anyway. I would have probably discussed it before I booked it (ds is autistic) but that shipped has sailed. I would, at this point, try and include something she want to do. Dinner somewhere she likes, a stop off on the way or something.

Dear me.

I recommend that if you are still going to go that you & DH watch at least the first film so you can get more out of it to help them enjoy it. It’s very film focussed not book focussed.
A PP has mentioned the Dark Arts theme. It was that when we went. It can be quite scary & intimidating. Don’t want to go into too much detail in case anyone else is going and it’s a spoiler but whilst my DC loved it, I can see others really not. Maybe you’ve looked into all this as you’ve said you have to plan days out more carefully with DCs needs. If you want to DM me about it then happy to go into more detail.
Others have suggested trying to write down reasons why, eg she feels too old, she has issues with JKR, so then you can help to talk her round. It def is an attraction for all ages. If it’s JKR related then you could ask her to explain her feelings but try to explain that the films are different to the books & have so many other influences eg actors, producers, directors, costumer designers.

I was brought up to understand that taking part in family life meant you didn’t always get your own way or go to everything that fitted in with your exact interests.

The OP's daughter has already learnt that lesson. The OP and her husband spent years and years showing no interest whatsover in their daughter's HP enthusiasm and years and years of being told she couldn't go to the HP experience.

I'm sure she will enjoy it when she gets there, it if she liked the books. I really enjoyed it too, just looking at the sets and props that were made for the films was really interesting. If she's worried her friends will think she is too old for it (or it's a rubbish thing to do) she can just say it was a treat for her brother and she had to go too.

And yet you said you didn’t take them before because you didn’t fancy it?

Well OP you're doing well on the vote- not sure why as you're being both unreasonable and selfish.

As a parent of an autistic child I agree with this suggestion. It's a frequent occurrence in my house.

OP has already explained why she can’t stay home.