To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

OP I am also an autistic parent of autistic ADHD kids. I don't always understand why they change their minds about things, but usually it's due to sensory overwhelm, burnout, or the mind taking over and presenting them with problems.

It's all very well agreeing to go to something and wanting to go to something, but the reality is, the idea of actually going ahead with it might be overwhelming.

I would be looking at more trying to figure out why your daughter doesn't want to go then looking at whether you can force her to go.

Unfortunately, these things do happen and conflicts occur. it can be really difficult and it can waste money, but there's no way I would force an autistic person to go to a crowded, busy place with very little escape should they feel overwhelmed. perhaps you could have a conversation with her by text message if she feels uncomfortable talking to you about this in person.

Erm, that might be because she did want to go and has until recently being playing Harry Potter stuff with her little brother? And because it's expensive and it's booked? And because she's autistic and can't be left? Also because 15 year olds don't get to dictate family outings??

@Dawevi try talking to her again - ask her if she's not into Harry Potter any more or if something else is bothering her. Point out how she's played HP things with her brother, and he really wants to go, and that you booked it because you thought both of them did. Maybe suggest that if she sucks it up and goes with a good grace, she gets to pick the next family day out (within reason!)?

I've asked, she won't say. I'll keep trying obviously.

I hope you are able to go, we went last Christmas and had a magical time. My husband isn't an HP fan, hasn't read the books or seen any of the film, but he had a great time, perhaps our enthusiasm was infectious! I'm a grown-up but still adore the HP books. I really don't think it will be too young for a fifteen-year old, there are some really impressive sets and interesting glimpses into the way the films were made. We were there for hours just exploring.

I think it’s quite unfair you say your autistic imagine if someone decided you was going to do something you really didn’t want or feel comfortable doing.
Also it could be teen pressure they are acutely aware of what is cool and what isn’t at that age and the hysteria around JKR.
I have a 14 year old and there’s no way I would force her to go to something she doesn’t want to do you stay home you said your not fussed why make a big song and dance about it

Maybe try suggesting reasons why you think she might not want to go and she will affirm or otherwise?

Can you appeal to her better nature? Tell her you may have to cancel if she won't go and remind her that her little brother is really excited to go? And wouldn't she get pleasure from his enjoyment too (as they sound pretty close)?

Read the OP's posts

She can't be left at home alone

Life is about having to do things you really don't want to do or feel comfortable doing!!!

We went about 8 years ago with our daughters and I think it’s got better since then. My husband hadn’t at that point either read the books or watched the films and he loved it. Came back and got stuck into the films too.

in this instance I think I’d be my heels in. I’d also try to understand who she didn’t want to go now though.

Op we did HP world, had 5 kids with us at the time from 4 to 17. Dd, who is autistic was obsessed and wanted to go for years. When we told her we booked 4 days in London plus HP she freaked out and refused to go. I downloaded the asd booklet from their website and left it beside her bed and just didn't mention it for a few weeks. I find especially if it is something she has looked forward to for so long, when she gets it, she panics. She really needs time and space to come around. Depending on when you go, I just wouldn't mention it for a while, give her the print outs and then gently bring it up again.

That is true but there is a difference in a parent want to go see a monument that the kids think of boring and deliberately buying tickets to something someone doesn't want to go too

Sure there is lots of things I may decided in the past or my child wants to do but people change

@Runnerinthenight she's autistic, there is FAR more to this than the simplistic view you put across.

E.g. Sensory overwhelm. THIS is how some autistic people experience the world. It's just not that simple.

I fortunately don't have experience with autism but I presume the OP knows her own child better than anyone here.

I find it mean that she was desperate to go and “you didn’t want to” so you didn’t go. Now her brother is in to it, you’re suddenly fine to go.

The characters age past 15. The series gets pretty dark. 15 isn't 'too old'. 🙄

She’s probably just a bit put out that you didn’t go when she was younger and really into it but now your son is keen you bother . We have a 6.5 yr age gap ( now adult) and we never made the older one wait for the younger one to be ‘old enough’ . They both went to age appropriate things / places they were interested in and the other one got dragged along unless they could be left with someone / stay home alone .

@Dawevi thanks for the reply. Until you get the information from her about why she doesn't want to go no-one can advise. She's more likely to tell you if you're genuinely curious and open to some sort of compromise.

Bear in mind her ASD may have been impacting her more recently because of all the changes that come with the teenage years, and she's navigating the growing complexity and demands of social relationships. School works ramps up at this age as does the pressure from school to perform and succeed. She's also dealing with female bodily changes and hormones. There's a lot going on and there may be other things she's taking into account too.

@LBFseBrom have you been to the studio tour ? IME it’s for all ages and frankly more interesting for adults / teens .

If you think she’ll enjoy it when she’s there then ignore the sulk and don’t make a big deal out of it.

I can’t even understand why people pander to this. 15 year olds are moody and mysterious! They’re also children and you’re the parent. As long as having a lovely day out doing something fun won’t really traumatise her, just go ahead with the plans and she’ll have to lump it. (Especially if it’s over TERF nonsense).

@Runnerinthenight “Fortunately” I do have plenty of experience in autism.
Us autists are many and varied and don't always understand each other. Hence the OP asking for opinions.
I have to wonder why you are posting yours when you have no experience of autism 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely valid point and well worth considering. 👏

You’ve said your self that in the past you haven’t wanted to go. So why not organise something else for you and tor daughter to do and your husband and son and one of his friends go? Putting this kindly OP she s 15 probably not into HP anymore or prob just doesn’t want to go to the attraction. A 10 and 15 year old is a large gap. I have a 13 and 15 year old and the eldest doesn’t always come with us and there’s only 2 years age diff.

Ok, just me, then.

All I could think about from the op was this
For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together

Followed by this
I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH.

Wtf?
I feel like the emperor's new clothes. Seriously, is no-one else seeing this?
I'm not being judgy or nasty (honestly). I'm just gobsmacked

OP has 2 children massively into something.
Neither parent has read them the books, watched the films with them or played the games with them.
Isn't that what parenting is?
Now the older child doesn't want to do the "big thing" and the parent is upset
But parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
Parenting is not the one grand guesture/day out.
We read DD the books.
And watched the films
And listened to the audio books
And helped her with costumes for world book day and themed parties
And played games both board and virtual
And did quizzes
And had endless (fucking ENDLESS) conversations

because that's what being a parent is.

Now, I actually like HP (and love JKR)

But I've done similar with things I loathe

And this post makes it sound like i think I'm some smug bastard amazing parent, and I'm absolutely not. Most of the time I was crap (my DD is adult now, so parenting in this way has passed).

But apparently only I can read this thread and think that having shown NO involvement over YEARS it's wrong of your child to not give a reaction you're hoping for from a grand guesture

We took our kids to HP Experience when they were 13 & 11. They loved it and so did we.

I’m pretty relaxed about whether our kids attend activities but sometimes they just need to come and that’s it. When we travel with our kids who are now 18 & 16 the deal is everyone gets to choose an activity, the whole family attends and nobody whinges! We’ve had so many times when one of them has said I thought that would be boring but it was really good. And sometimes they don’t enjoy it but they suck it up. Which is good training for life IMO. Sometimes you do things to make other people happy. It’s kind.

Does she have demand avoidance, where she gets anxious at being made to do something, so tries to avoid it at all costs? My younger daughter is like this. She just can't cope with demands. I can't surprise her with treats. Everything has to be on her terms. I booked tickets for us to go to a show once without discussing it with her first - long story but I ended up taking her sister instead. Now I give her options and let her choose.