To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

@RockyRogue1001

The OP says she's also autistic. I understand it will be much harder for an autistic parent to show an interest in something for their child's sake than for an NT parent. Not saying they shouldn't try, but it may just not have occurred to her to do this before, because she's autistic.

I think it’s worth saying to her something along the lines of “if you tell me the reason you don’t want to go, I might be able to understand your point of view and try to see things the way you are seeing them, but if you won’t talk to me about why then I can’t understand and I will have to assume there is no good reason for you not to go”. Then obviously genuinely try to understand where she’s coming from if she does finally explain.

All these people saying that maybe she feels tomold for harry potter....jave you been to the studios? It's jam packed with adults without kids ....and always fully booked!
This girl would like it if she ws 15 or 55. It's a brilliant place and she will love it once she gets in.
I do agree tho that it's pretty crap you didn't take her when she was younger and jave decided only.now that your other kid is into it.
Also at 15....she wouldn't get a say if she was living in my house.

I often found, especially in my teens, that if one of my special interests faded or moved on to something new, for some reason I found that former interest absolutely excruciating to think about. I don't know if it's because I was embarrassed about how obsessed I had over something I had outgrown, I don't know if it's because it felt guilty for abandoning something I used to love, or some other explanation altogether. All I know is that sometimes, I simply couldn't think about that interest anymore.

(I also have an element of demand avoidance. If I want to do something, and it's my suggestion, that's great! But if it was turned down when I asked, and then later offered, I'd hate it. I'd still do it, because I'm an adult and I've learnt better coping skills, but I'd hate it. It's like if someone tells me they're really pleased in something I'm doing, I feel the overwhelming urge to stop even if I know I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face. Something about expectations and the mortifying ordeal of being known, I guess.)

None of this is to say that she shouldn't go, or that you should cancel the trip because of her feelings. Just, maybe that might be an element of what she's feeling, unable to articulate, and probably feels bad about because she knows it'll impact everyone. I don't know if there's a way to fix any of those feelings, but honestly it always made me feel a bit better when my parents reminded me it was okay to feel bad without trying to fix it. I hope you all get to enjoy the trip in the end!

A lot of young teens have been steered towards hating JK Rowling because of her opinions on women's rights and spaces by people who are advocating for transgender rights. Autistic people are statistically more likely to be drawn towards transgenderism. It may be related to that, if she spends a lot of time online or with LGBTQ classmates or is LGBTQ.

This!

Does she think her friends will laugh at her if she goes? Some think it's for kids. I'm not a Harry Potter fan i haven't read the books or watched any all the way through. But even I would go if someone gave me tickets.

I saw that before I made my (overly long 😳) post.

Genuinely not trying to be a cunt here, but we all have limitations
(Characteristics or hurts or things in our pasts or barriers). We ALL have them in varying degrees. Some more severe than others.
Trivial example... I HATE baked beans. Make me heave. I hate being in the same room. DD liked them. I sucked it up (sometimes)
And retched in the kitchen sink.

Our limitations shouldn't stop us trying to be a good parent to our children, should it? Sure, they limit us sometimes, and we should all forgive ourselves for that.
"Good enough" is definitely good enough.
No one is 11 out of 10 all day every day
And no parent should beat themselves up for nor being perfect (like I said, I was crap!)
But if we choose to have a child- and especially if we choose to have more than one - don't we owe it to them to try and be the best we can be?

@RockyRogue1001

Oh, absolutely. But you don't know what you don't know, right?

My teen is currently playing Harry Potter TP at uni with his flat mates.

none of mine are particularly ‘cool’ though.

take her and if she doesn’t enjoy it, there’s a cafe half way round she can sit in.

I think the op said there are 2 parents?

I think that’s worse then. You constantly said no when it was something she wanted to do, now it’s her brother asking you suddenly are ok about going

I can see why she may take this as a slight against her

Are there other examples where her brother’s likes are prioritised? That may explain this reaction

Maybe say her enthusiasm hp and dress up etc bro made you n da REALISE what you was missing? Rather than..aye you do like it ,you going...try....
Kinda "need" you there cos we no idea what's going on? Which book? Who?
Give HER a lead role?
NONE of restchu know as much/anything. She doesn't needy wanty go BUT her knowledge is valued??
My ds2 ASD.mr digheelsin..IF market as he in charge etc ...it's workable (sometimes)

I feel like you need to have a couple of weeks beforehand where you binge the films as preparation. Just put them on and sit down to watch and see if she comes and sits with you. Feign interest and excitement if you have to - they're not the best films and books ever made no, but for your kids you just have to suck these things up. (I have watched way more football than I ever wanted to and know far more about Pokemon than anyone needs to.)
I think it'll be good for you to see them before you go and then you actually have some clue what's going on, what you can see and point out for when you're there.

If your DS couldn’t go without DD I’d think you have a point. But it sounds like you don’t expect to enjoy the trip either and could stay home with dd (or do something else you’d both like) while DH takes DS but just don’t want to because you bought the tickets already. And I think that’s a pretty joyless way to approach things. You do just have to just suck things up sometimes, but if there’s a way around that - why not take it?

I also find the messages to your dd of - You really wanted to go when you were younger but I didn’t so we didn’t go, and now your brother really wants to go so I’ve booked tickets without discussing it and will suck it up for him and you have to too - to be pretty harsh, though appreciate with kids with disabilities there may have been a lot of sucking things up by everyone to try and balance needs.

Because OP wants a "family day out"

OP couldn't be bothered taking her daughter to HP when daughter was younger and enjoyed it but now OP wants a happy family day out and seems incapable of even understanding that her daughter has outgrown HP.

Surely there's an equal danger that dragging your very unwilling daughter along will ruin your family day out? It's not going to be particularly fair on your son, is it?

Isn't the fact that your daughter doesn't want to go, and you and your DH don't massively want to go either, a good enough reason to reconsider your plans? Have a family day out another day, and let your DS go with one parent and a couple of friends, or one friend plus friend's parent.

I have autistic DC too. And we were at the HP studios in July this year. Luckily, the 2 i took (DS25 and DD16) were both in good moods that day and loved it!

If your DD is cognitively able, take her and let her sit in the cafe and faff about on her phone. There's a cafe ground floor straight ahead that has some quiet corners. That one did not get too busy when we were there and we went school hols.

If she needs constant supervision, you are going to need to plant some seeds! Confrontation and forcing does not work with autism.

I think you'll need to just drop in casually some good things, drip, drip , drip each day now.

For eg - "i heard they do butter beer ice cream and some great cakes in HP. I'm definitely going for that!" (Do not ask her if she wants any - make it a throw away comment, but check she has no ear buds in when you make it!)

• "i don't think we'll do that photo thing on the train - i heard you can sit in the carriage and pose for pics - don't fancy that"

"Oh, i didn't realise you can go right inside Dudley's house!"

"I hope it won't be full of little kids and screaming babies!"

Try to find out about it - the things you guess she won't like (posing for pics, maybe some of the push button animatronic things - try to drop in that YOU don't like the sound of it.

Things you think she might like - get them in. Just a comment or two each day now.

This sort of technique works with mine. Even if it only leads to " well, i will hate it but you're gonna make me come anyway so i will"

That isn't rude - that is coz they have changed their mind, quite fancy it but don't find backing down easy!

You can also try something like "There looks to be loads to do at HP. I think we might just eat out at Pizza Hut (pick her fave!) after.

Again, just as a throw away.

Good luck!

There is LOTS to see and it really is for all ages.

No, not just you. I hope OP reads your post and takes in what you've said. OP is beyond unreasonable here.

I'm astonished that the majority is for not being unreasonable.

Olive Brown is a lovely name

sorry wrong thread

I mean honestly this is the view 99% of people I know have, and they aren't even teenagers. It's the predominant view, even shared by Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson etc.

Went with my 15 yo and her friend a few years back and they both loved it - I was surprised how much! They still talk about it now 5 years on!

@Dawevi

just carry on with your plans, I bet she'll have a brilliant time once you're there'

Good for them! More morals than the majority of people on here.