To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

I still think this reads like you didn't take her in her Harry Potter phase, but are taking your ds. 10 is a usual age for that, while 15 is a bit old.

So do I.
Totally reads as: 'My 10 year old DD is massively into Harry Potter but I'll wait five years to see if her little brother is into it too.'
Five years later: 'Oh look, DS does love Harry Potter, so DD can finally get to go... oh, except now she's too old!'

OP, if I was your DD, I'd be thoroughly pissed off!

@Sorenlorrenson do you have kids who are teenagers or older? Is this how you parented them?

Except those five years included a baby (DS), severe PND for me, Covid when no one could go anywhere, and then DD getting really ill, getting her diagnosis, me needing to fight for her health and education provision (which I'm still doing), so many hospital trips and overnight stays taking up our time and energy.

I wasn't waiting to see if DS was into it, we didn't do any big things out because of DD's condition, we are only now starting to and as THEY BOTH SEEMED INTO IT RECENTLY (shouting because some people seem to be missing that bit) we thought they would BOTH love it as a treat.

We might have got it wrong but there was no ill intent at all, no favouring of DS (if anything DD is prioritised in our lives and DS doesn't get to do lots of stuff because of his sister's condition), and definitely no intention of making DD go to something she wouldn't like - we genuinely thought she was still into it because she was playing HP stuff with DS and reading the books with him and talking to him about HP. I knew it wasn't her main interest (never has been) but she seemed to be into it still.

And she doesn't hate it, she's chosen a house for the trip (they ask you to), and will talk about the stories, plus she's told me she's been looking on the website at what's there.

@Sorenlorrenson
Please go away. Your comments are not helpful and you clearly have no understanding of autism

Maybe insensitivity skips a generation!😁

Nope, maybe they are my kids, I took responsibility for them and brought them up to realise that their wants and needs are not paramount to everyone else's, you know, their family, the people they live with. Having autism does not make you the centre of the universe.

Reported @Sorenlorrenson

Your making a fool of your self @Sorenlorrenson

Lol. I'm off to the cinema. Byes

At 15 she should have a say on if she goes or not really.

Oh, do hurry back, how will we cope without you.

You should maybe take a breath @Sorenlorrenson you are not coming across well at all - not that I think you care but if you feel you have a worthwhile message to share, you are behaving in a way that suggests you don't practice what you preach.

i think in all the debate this is the key point. Autism or not at 15 they should have some level of autonomy over what they do in free time

No you're correct, I really don't care what most of you think of me ,
And just to let you know it's not me that's doing the preaching on this thread.

OP could you say to your DD that you really need her help? Say you were relying on her to be there to explain to ds all the things they would see and experience there as dd knows far more about HP than you ever could? Try some kidology..make her feel superior to you and say you just know she would be a great help and be more fun than you? something like that maybe, may get her enthused if you can make her feel sort of in charge maybe if you get my drift?

As the mother of 2 girls with autism, I would say don't listen to people with no experience of autism on this one! I understand completely where you are coming from. My elder daughter is 26 and we still have to work out days out around her and what she will cope with. Good luck.

This! It might be the predominant view on social media but it certainly isn't in real life. Pretty sure most people support her for having the balls to speak out against the casual eroding of women's rights and women-only spaces. We need more women like her; not fewer!

I've come back to give an update although the thread seems to be getting a bit dramatic!

I've had a chat with DD. I started by saying that we honestly thought it was something she would enjoy and that we wouldn't have booked it otherwise and she says that she knows that and appreciates the thought behind it.

Long story short, it is indeed the JK Rowling thing - she's decided that JK "has done bad things" though she couldn't specify what. (I've said we will talk about that more, I'd like to know what she's thinking along those lines and will unpick it.)

We discussed how the attraction is about the films not the author, that there's plenty she will likely find interesting, and that DD isn't spending her money on it so isn't personally supporting it anyway.

She didn't ask not to come because she knows really that we can't leave her at home, and she says she's discussed it with her best friend who seems to support her going although also feeling that JK is "bad".

So overall pretty positive although there's clearly more talking to be done around the JK bad viewpoint.

Is she maybe also worried about using a wheelchair? I'm autistic and a wheelchair user. If she's new to that and doesn't use it all the time she may feel it draws attention to her.

She actually loves using it, I thought she would feel embarrassed but she really loves it because of how much more freedom it gives her to do things.

Please don’t squash her morals- even if you yourself don’t understand / agree with them. It’s really good that’s she’s learning to form her own opinions about the world and to make decisions in accordance with her own conscience and sense of right and wrong. These are important life skills