To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

I am not into Harry Potter and went under duress. But it's bloody amazing! She will love it. Just get her there.

Let her stay home. BTW my 6yr old likes HP

All the more reason why she should go-to honour a very brave woman who is prepared to stand up for women and one day, your daughter might come to appreciate that.

JK Rowling is a hero-more of a hero than any mythical or fictional creature.

I agree. She is fifteen and will have outgrown Harry Potter. That's normal.
Let the three of you enjoy the day, it will be nice for your son to have you all to himself too.

I’m generally sympathetic to teens changing their mind, but tickets to HP, like tickets to a West End show, cost a lot of money and take a lot of planning. I’d leave it a few weeks, then bring it up again. She might feel anxious about the immersive elements or the crowds. Have you checked if they have an autism-friendly element? A lot of experiences now offer kits like earphones, fidget toys, dark glasses, and sensory-sensitive maps through the tour journey.

See this www.wbstudiotour.co.uk/additional-needs/

This is what I would have suggested too.

My daughter is autistic (age 16) and she often has places she likes the idea of going but is then nervous about going because she doesn't know what the place we are going to looks like.
Or she will worry she won't like it or it's not what she expects.
She worries about whether she'll find things to eat in the area that she knows she likes (ie is there a Costa Coffee nearby).
Something we now do is try to find out as much as we can ahead of going. So for Harry Potter I assume there's a map of the place (I've never been so don't know). Study the map so she knows that when you go in you it starts in the X section and then moves on to Y and look online for photos so she sees exactly what to expect when you first go in.
Look on Google Earth for what is nearby (like favourite shops/cafes). Look at the carpark/train station.
Also you need to make it seem that you are really excited to be going (even though you're not....). If she thinks you're a bit "meh" about it - she will too.
Good Luck.

So she didn't ask to go you decided yourself now you are forcing her to go to something she doesn't want to go too

Why?

Perhaps it's a JK Rowling thing?
Have a chat to her, find out what's going on.

You’ve probably hit the nail on the head. I was blindsided when it emerged in general conversation recently that ds (19), who loved HP, is very anti JKR now. I tried to explain the difference between being gender critical and transphobic, but he wasn’t convinced, to say the least!

It might be ridiculous, and personally I think JKR is amazing, but maybe she is worried people at school will be mean about it, and that worry is spoiling it?

I have dragged teens round things they didn't want to do.

Believe me, there are many many worse things that can happen than them not enjoying it.

My DS once staged a three hour sit in in the car because he didn't want to go on a family day out.

At other times they have spent the day swearing, insulting us, running away and not coming back, and generally making our lives shit.

If it's the JK and trans thing then she may well decide that the correct thing to do is educate you and you'll have three hour long lectures about trans rights.

If you think she'll behave then take her. But worst case is far worse than just she doesn't enjoy it.

i wouldn’t be giving this headspace. I’d tell her she’s going, end of. She’s a child, and it’s a family outing. I’ve brought up two dcs, and we’ve probably gone on a few trips that one might like more than the other, but if we only went on trips they both liked equally, we would never have gone anywhere.

Hope you all have a good time together.

I remember as a teen not wanting to do family outings or trips… no reason too

I was also going to ask if it could be a JKR thing - HP isn't what it was for many people now and she may feel strongly that she doesn't want to go/support it or she may worry that she will be seen as transphobic by her peers if they hear she's gone.

You may not agree with either stance, but if that's her view you can't force her.

Agree that one of you goes with DS, the other stays home with DD.

I am curious how people think they can insist a 15 year old goes. It's not like you can physically pick her up and throw her in the car?

Sadly it's probably the JK Rowling thing. That's unfortunately what happens when kids are allowed access to social media which is now mostly just short videos which are constantly pushing agendas at people and require no critical thinking or fact verification. Then the majority of the time they actually spend face to face with people their own age is spent in schools who have all but abolished any right to freedom of speech particularly around the issue of gender identity. I'm literally terrified of my 6YO becoming a teenager.

Of course yanbu.

Family days out aren't things kids just get to opt out of unless there are specific reasons to do so.

Sometimes, you just have to accept you're part of a group and the group is doing this. This happens all the time as an adult, people choosing crap restaurants, crap books for book club, crap films to go to... we just suck it up don't we and wait our turn to choose the restaurant, book, film etc. Kids need to learn this.

She has always wanted to go and recently she and her brother have been enjoying HP related things together.

Outgrown Harry Potter? Once a Potterhead, always a Potterhead. You just like it for different reasons. We're going on the studio tour again soon (at my request) and I'm 62!

OP - just take her. There are some genuinely jaw-dropping moments on that tour.

Yes we've looked into all of that thank you. She also uses a wheelchair and so we have to plan days carefully.

Could it be that HP was a special interest to her for a long time and now it isn't? Maybe that has something to do with it. She could also be feeling anxious and maybe not sure how to express herself.

This🖕
I'd lay money on her being acutely aware that liking harry potter=approving of JK Rowling= being transphobic=teen social death (not saying it's a nuanced view bit then her teen peers are unlikely to be nuanced). It's a brave teen that would outwardly make the case for their rationale for going to HPW....

@Dawevi Have you found out why she doesn't want to go? Are you going to ask her? - as in be genuinely curious, as you may get a reasonable answer. Once that's shared on the thread, advice can be given. There's not enough data, the information given is one sided...and that leads to speculation

Especially as she’s autistic. And it would explain why she won’t say why she doesn’t want to go.