To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

No.
You don't force an autistic person.
You cannot be the "Silent Generation", so what the hell?
😖🙄

Do not let your Daughter ruin this treat for your Son. One parent needs to stay at home with her.

So you didn’t go for years because you didn’t want to go, but now she doesn’t want to go but you expect her to suck it up and go?

Can you see that’s a little inconsistent?

Here's the thing... when I was a kid, if my parents booked and paid for something that I might not have loved nor my siblings, we had to go anyway because they had decided. I certainly didn't have the controlling vote nor did my siblings, if we weren't happy, we had to suck it up.
Not once has it made me think that I'm not in control of my life choices as an adult because they didn't pander to me. I'm a (reasonably) well adjusted adult.
Kids don't always know best, I think some adults need reminding if that.

Yeah, I've commented up thread in relation to op's specific situation. My comment here was in response to the person who essentially said that teenagers can completely absolve themselves of any responsibility to others, such as opting out of family holidays at the age of 12. That's just utterly ridiculous.

There are more complexities with the op's situation, I agree. If it were me, I'd probably be making plans for my dh to take ds on their own on this occasion.

teenagers can completely absolve themselves of any responsibility to others, such as opting out of family holidays at the age of 12. That's just utterly ridiculous.

So utterly ridiculous that my parents were happy with it. Responsibility to others isn’t being forced to do things you don’t want to, especially when it’s something that’s supposed to be fun - and that your mum refused to do on the same grounds.

I think it's a shame you refused to take her when she was really into it, but now her DB wants to go, you can muster the energy. That would have upset me as a teenager. In fact, it would upset me now.
I would cut my losses and drop the family day, one of you go with DS.

You sound like a lovely mum and a good loving family and I wouldn't take on any of the criticism for not watching HP films or favouring DS or any those reaches. Parents don't have to immerse themselves in their kids' interests, it's totally fine and quite healthy for them to have their own things. You've done a thoughtful thing and it's not gone down quite as expected for unknown reasons that your DD may even not be certain of herself. Being a 15yo girl is confusing enough without all the extra factors your DD deals with. That doesn't mean she shouldn't go or that she won't have a valuable experience one way or another. It is of course meant to be a fun family day out and hopefully it will be, but from babies through toddlers to teenagers, we all know that the dream experience we buy often has untold stresses on the day, and those make up memories and bonding experiences too. I think your instincts and approach is very sound and you'll go as a family and get something out of it. As you say, let her know it's booked and is happening and if she's got low expectations (like you and your DH) then so much the better for it likely exceeding them.

Definitely not the case with my teens and their friends.

Or now that both kids have enjoyed HP together, the parents decided it would be nice to take them so they can enjoy it together.
OP said she hadn't watched the films or read the books, maybe now both the kids can go and enjoy it and they both understand the sets etc it seems like a more reasonable trip than if only 1 of 4 people knew what's going on.
It's not a cheap day out, tickets, food, gift shops, snacks, transport and thats before potential accommodation.

I know this isn't the main point point but as a far as busy attractions go ots massively autism friendly have quiet areas etc you can access on the way round well trained staff etc. Tool my autistic hp loving twins who had an absolute ball but one did have a wobble on the way round and staff were brilliant. Just incase that's a worry

I'm a bit baffled by the "why didn't you take her when she was first into Harry Potter" thing when the OP said her daughter didn't even read the books until she was 10 which is only 5 years ago and for a large part of those 5 years there would have been covid restrictions so they quite possibly wouldn't have been able to go even if they wanted too.

I agree. It's wrong the whole family misses out because she doesn't want to come. If she was left at home would this be really bad. I'd be tempted to do this unless I felt there was a huge risk.

Gosh people are being hard on the OP. I can see she was genuinely trying to do something nice that the whole family would enjoy. People are making out like she’s some sort of cruel and selfish mother. Give advice in the situation but don’t make the op feel bad- she’s tried her best.
I couldn’t care less about HP but I still found HP tour fascinating. I don’t think it really is aimed at little kids like a pp said. There’s no rides or stuff like that.

Make the effort to sit through the films, you will enjoy the day a thousand times more. Its basically a 3 hour walk around of movie props that don't mean anything to you otherwise . You can bond with your children over the experience better aswell.

Top top, take snacks and drinks incase the cafe is horrendously busy.

As for your daughter, she will really enjoy it. Unless she can give you a decent reason for not going I'd feel inclined to make her come along.

Whatever the intention, I certainly think it's possible that it is how she perceives it. Of course it might something else entirely. Either way, I can't imagine dragging an autistic teenager somewhere she doesn't want to be will be a great birthday present for any of them.

I only got into Harry Potter as an adult and love it. It’s not just for kids but maybe she’s seeing it as a bit childish. I’d suggest you all make an effort to watch the movies together and make them fun movie nights with popcorn etc. It might bring her around if she sees both you and DH getting into it too. Also you will love them - the story develops as the films go on. Then your experience will be enhanced when you visit.

Ps, you'll like the films so so much more than you think you're going to too. I wish I could see them for the first time again!

I agree with previous posters - the chances of an autistic teenage girl not having heard, over and over again, that JKR is transphobic and wants all trans people dead, is slim to none. Whether she believes that herself or not is beside the point - she would be worried about what her peers might say if they found out she'd done anything HP related. Maybe have that conversation and see what she says.

Maybe agree to keep it off socials?

I would have a conversation along the lines of
I guess you are feeling you are a bit old for this now. I wish looking back that I'd managed to take you when you were younger. Anyway, I reckon it will still be a good thing to do. What is the one thing that you would love to do at 15? I can maybe try to do that with you separately.
Also, let's have a look at the website and work out which bits you might enjoy.

Have you made it clear to her you wouldn't have booked for anyone if you'd realised she no longer wanted to go? Sometimes what they hear isn't quite what we mean, she may still be thinking you're going because her brother wants to or even that you should have known she was no longet interested. I could see my middle boy getting hung up on the timing and wanting to know why we are going now when his brother's love it and didn't go when he really loved it.

My Autistic DD and I are very similar and very close and I've also spent years being her interpreter through situational mutism, but I don't always get it right and sometimes I realise after the fact and then I need to adjust and go back and change things. PPs idea of writing a list on paper and having her tick what the issue is, is that something that might work? There may be no deeper reason, but I'd want to make completely sure before we went.

But why go when ds is the right age and dd is too old, rather than go when ds is the right age and ds is too young?

Tbh five years is a tricky age gap, it's going to be fairly rare for them to be into the same thing at the same time. So you're just going to end up with no one doing anything they're into if you insist you only to things they both like.

One is the adult the other is a child. No wonder or young folk can't cope. Youngsters out of control when a teacher or police officers tell them to do something, it's bloody pathetic and downright dangerous. The screeching of "you can't tell me what to do" is heard all too often and all because of parents not parenting.