To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

Two members of your family aren't keen on going. Yet one member really wanted to go a couple of years ago. It didn't have to be a family day, unless you need help with transportation/care needs, then it does put you in a difficult position. Your DD will start to have interests that aren't appropriate for her younger brother and she might not want her Dad to tag along. So just consider her needs as she moves to adulthood.

My son is autistic. Once he goes off something, it is just totally a NO. He loved Paw Patrol when he was little but when he outgrew it, quite suddenly, he couldn't even cope with seeing the characters. They'd make him feel angry or uncomfortable. I can't rationalise it. It was a gut reaction from him.

I think you sound like you decided she should like it and you don't sound too open to hearing her pov, because you're going anyway. What struck me was that for years you have not gone because YOU didn't want to. It seems you have agency but your older child doesn't? Seems harsh.

I haven't but I will. I'm going to make space to talk to her tonight and see if I can resolve it with her.

We honestly thought they would both be thrilled, we wouldn't have spent all that money otherwise.

They did also get a cinema trip for their birthdays and they saw different films. DD and DH saw a 15 rated film and DS and I saw a kids film. DD had the choice of which parent to go in with as well, for those who think I favour DS. I wanted to go with her but she wanted her dad because films are their thing together.

I'm also going to try and get us all to watch the films. But need to check if she would want to first.

I'd talk to her. Say it's very selfish to ruin ds's day and that she should change her attitude, go with a willing heart. I'd also talk to her about JKR Not being a TERF because that is factually incorrect and should be corrected.

That's great OP. FWIW i don't think you're favouring DS and your rationale does makes sense, but in terms of DDs feeling and reactions its what she think your actions are saying that matters.

Apparently she can't be left at home alone, so not really, she'll just have to suck it up, for the sake of her family, making a sacrifice for the ones she loves. Learning a valuable lesson that the world does not revolve around her needs and wants. Like everybody else on the planet.

Why can’t she spend the day with a friend?

@Blossomtoes she's autistic and also has other disabilities.
It wouldn't be "staying with a friend" it would be giving the responsibility for her care to the friends parent.
Not all adults would want to take on that responsibility.

She is autistic. As the mother of 2 autistic girls, I can say that it is probably not that straightforward.

Can you bribe her with something? Simple but needs must, and it will likely work.

Acknowledge that she is growing up and you hope she will come along for DS sake and to acknowledge that she gets something she wants / wants to do as well.

You can tell DD that she has to come, but you can't make her! You could try explaining that her brother is very excited and would love to have her there, after all the HP things they did together. You could say that most of us do things we wouldn't choose for ourselves now and then, in order to keep loved ones happy, but that it shouldn't happen too often, and in future you'll take care to ask her before booking anything for the four of you. If all else fails, DS can go with one parent plus 2 friends while the other stays at home.

Oh for fucks’ sake, the girl has disabilities beyond autism and needs a wheelchair. Are you always this nasty or is it just because you’re hiding behind a keyboard and don’t have to actually deal with the consequences of your words ?

Read the bloody updates. She’s got disabilities beyond autism and needs full time care - a wheelchair user too. As her mother, at that age there’s no way I would trust that responsibility to a friend.

This. Most decent people I know no longer want anything to do with HP because of queen of the TERFs.

Most people I know are huge admirers of JK Rowling.

All hail Queen JKR!

That's because Mumsnet is full of TERFs

Well mn is full of Sinead O'Rebellions who will shock you shock you with this deviant behavior of not being 'mummies who will bend and sway to demands,'...

I love how people are saying all teens hate JK or all teens are over trans people and like her.

All teens never agree on anything, anymore than all middle aged women on here agree on anything.

My partner and I love Harry Potter. He's trans.
The books and movies are iconic.

That said given you don't celebrate Halloween and don't agree with certain themes in Harry Potter is it possible she's picked up on your feelings towards it?

I imagine that's just related to your social group.

I know lots of people who love Harry Potter but dislike her.

I don't think it matters what " most people " around any of us think. There seems to be a need for people to not only express their opinion on either side, but then somehow prove they are right because others agree.

Harry Potter is now very much not cool, the whole JK Rowling trans thing has made a generation who loved Harry Potter hate it in public at least, dsd loved it until 3 years ago now, worst thing ever. I suspect your dd was teased at school for excitedly saying she was going.

Try to say it's for her brother, perhaps good old bribery, something of her choosing afterwards. And most of all, promise to not put it on social media or mention to her friends.

@Josette77

I know a lot of teens and young adults, publicly at least they don't like JK Rowling or Harry Potter. Never heard a single one nor any other aged people say they agree with her comments either. Mumsnet is not representative of the real world

How old is your DSD? I work with teens and this couldn't be further from my experience. Younger teenagers are utterly over the trans stuff. They consider it a weird out of fashion annoyance. JKRs stance on it genuinely doesn't enter their heads for one minute. They couldn't care less about it.

Nah, genuinely, it's a fashion change. It's really obvious in kids from 12-14 that I work with. It's just adults being stupid to them. It's like how when we were kids we questioned Santa, then went on to questioning all the other things we were taught, God, religion, social mores, etc. Teenagers rebel against things they are taught that don't make sense to them, it's basic human nature. They have spent their formative years being told something is true and now their brains hit a point where they not only have to question it, but mock it mercilessly if they turn against it. It's what's happening now.

And sure, it won't be 100% of all teens, Take That was all the rage when I was young and I hated them. But they still defined a huge part of the 90s British pop scene. The defining attitude of young teens to the trans fashion, is that it's a weird embarrassing thing that older people do.