To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

[Dawevi]

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

I know loads of teenagers who still like Harry Potter. I work in a high school so come into contact with a lot of teens.

This is true, a lot of autistic people in particular don't enjoy surprises.

It was actually their birthday gift (birthdays are close together). Birthday gifts are usually a suprise.

DD likes them though. I often surprise her with stuff.

As op has explained, and as the parent of an autistic child I understand, often the child with the most complex needs has a huge impact on their sibling(s). So it's not a case of a boy trumping his disabled sister's needs, it's op trying to do something she thought they'd both enjoy, particularly as her son's wants and desires are so often affected by her dd's complex needs. This is quite a well known issue for parents of SEN children (and we're often accused of not doing enough for the child with no or less complex needs).

However, I think there was a suggestion that one parent takes ds and a friend, the other stays home. Again, this is quite common with families of SEN children. That may be the only option. That way, ds gets his day out, without having it impacted by dd's needs.

Op, if it's to do with the trip there, can you try breaking that down with her. What specifically might it be about the trip - the length of the trip, the means of transport, how close people are, the noise, what? You clearly understand her very well, so what do you think she means by 'the trip'? I'd then see if I could reassure her/ make a plan/ a plan b/ do a dress rehearsal or something.

But the bottom line is, how will she react if forced to go? Will it result in a day of total emotional dysregulation, thus spoiling it for others? Only you will know her well enough to say whether it'll be worth the potential fallout.

Give her ticket to one of your son’s friends and let her do whatever she wants.

I’m autistic and I think you’re being unreasonable.

You didn’t take dd because YOU didn’t want to go. Now SHE doesn’t want to go, she has to ‘suck it up’.

You’re being unnecessarily rigid about all of you going. You say you’ll be bored, so why don’t you just stay home with dd, or do something you’ll both enjoy?

Who will it ‘ruin’ the day out for if only two people go? Ds will have a lovely 1:1 experience and special attention, dd will feel listened to, and everyone gets to do something they want. Plus, all of you going may be ‘ruining’ something from your DD’s perspective.

I say this as an autistic person, but I wonder whether it’s due to your autism that you are struggling to shift your perspective, see her point of view, and change the original plan.

Thank you! We have quite a late slot already, the timings were carefully worked out around DDs various requirements. I'll look into the other bits, DH has already researched on the website.

This makes it even worse! DD’s birthday gift is something that she doesn’t even want, and that isn’t actually for her, it’s for her brother?

This may be the reason she’s reluctant.

Great post. My autistic dd loved it. She found she could be herself and wasn’t judged. She wore her costume (she was 18) and it was one of her happiest days. We got an early slot so that we were first in to each bit so that helped with crowds.

She hasn't shared a point of view, if she does we can talk about it. But at the moment there's no point of view for me to see. I'm not at all autocratic but I'm not cancelling things without good reason.

It's for both of them! We thought they both would love it.

Anyway I've got to go to work now, I'll catch up later.

You think a disabled teen who can’t be left alone because of her care needs sounds high functioning ? And that ‘bit’ of a disability involves the need for a wheelchair.

Really? Why not discuss beforehand if it was an outing the "family" were interested in.

I mean I don't think it's fair to make her come - bluntly, she didn't ask you to book it. If she did then that's another story.

But I wouldn't stop your other child from going. I'd concentrate on finding a way for her to stay home and the rest of you going.

Honestly Op, you gave 2 children a joint birthday present. Children who are 5 years apart. Which is quite unusual.

And the gift is something the older one wanted to do for years and couldn’t because you wouldn’t. and now doesn’t want to as they have outgrown it. But Now the younger one wants to, you find yourself able to force yourself to go.

and somehow making out it’s for the older birthday AND making them do something they don’t want as their birthday treat? all because the younger one wants to.

Cant you see the issue?

Can you really not see why she's pissed off.
She wanted to go for years but you never took her.
The ship sailed, now she is forced to go because her brother wants to. To add insult to injury it's given to her as her birthday present?

I think your DD is coping with you remarkably well. Poor kid.

For what it's worth I would also just take her bit you seem to have made up your mind before posting the thread. Since it's what you have decided, just take her.

I would take her. She has a good chance of enjoying it. It’s a family day out. You think she would enjoy it. Family days out often do involve a bit of boredom or doing something for someone else. That’s a good thing.

So you didn’t notice she had outgrown it?

Didn’t speak to her about whether she still wanted to go? Many people, especially kids, might have wanted to do something Years ago and now not bothered about it.

The tickets were a surprise for DD..

Not sure it needs explaining, I think it’s pretty obvious- choosing not to support a bigot is a positive thing, and I think it reflects very well on the teenagers the first commenter was referencing. Well aware that’s a very unpopular view on this site, which I think is sad and embarrassing, but to each their own!

But why not write this one off as a family day, give the tickets to a couple of DS's friends, and arrange it so that one parent stays home with DD? You can have the family day another time.

DD won't be thinking about crowds etc as she knows I'll ensure she has what she needs.

you can’t assume that, she is getting older she is getting more aware of her own needs - and that’s a good thing really. Nobody can ensure Harry Potter world won’t be crowded it is what it is.

i actually think your inadvertently letting her down by having an “I deal with it” attitude.

Same. I took my ds years ago but wouldn’t go now.