To find it frustrating when people say “they’re just being honest” when they’re actually being rude?

[OpenPombear]

It seems like some people use ‘honesty’ as an excuse to be hurtful. AIBU to feel that there’s a difference between being honest and being rude?

Totally.

Exactly the same as when people justify others' behaviour by saying 'you know what they're like'. Yes, like a twat.

It entirely depends on context. Sometimes we could do with being more upfront about things, sometimes a social lie is the better option.

Every person I have ever met who says either "I call a spade a spade" or "I tell it like it is" had been an absolute twat who is justifying their rudeness.

It really depends on the context?

It's annoying when their 'honesty' is actually just their opinion. The trouble is that so many of this type of person wear their outspokenness like a badge of honour, as if the rest of us were bloody liars. It is extremely tiring to be around them.

Exactly. I get irrationally angry about that - I'm autistic, and I've literally spent decades learning how to interact socially while expending huge amounts of energy trying to determine what to hold back in order to avoid upsetting people, and these people can't even be arsed to do the bare minimum in that regard even when it would come at almost no effort to them.

Actually, scratch that. It's perfectly rational.

Depends on context. People are often given the most appalling advice because their friends don't want to tell them the truth. Often someone needs a bucket of water to see through their delusions.

Unsolicited honesty is rude.

Context is everything.

"If I'm honest, I think you look like a bag of potatoes in that dress!" = rude

"If I'm honest, I don't think that's going to work so we may need to reconsider the plan" = honest

Anyone who ever tells people “they speaks as they find/calls a spade a spade” is a massive red flag and should be avoided. I’ve never met a single person who says either of those things about themselves who isn’t a cunt who enjoys upsetting people.

I don't understand why people think 'to be honest' is any kind of valid addition to any sentence. I mean, if you generally use this term then unless you use it for everything you ever say, however banal, people will think that you're not being honest if you forget to pointlessly attach it, surely?

Oh god, my DM is like this! She'll say "I'm just being honest" with her faux shocked face. Reader, she isn't being honest, she's being rude and nasty.

Some people are just too sensitive

‘I’m not being funny but…’ followed by bitchy comment!

Or ‘I’m not racist/homophobic but…’

Agree, the people who say 'i say it as it is' or 'i'm just being honest' never actually say anything complimentary. Surely if you are you would have nice things to say too.

They use it as an excuse to be rude and get away with it if you take offence. You can be honest without being nasty

Yep , the old ' you know me I say it as I see it '

I've only ever said that when questioned about why I didn't want to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Other than that it does often proceed something rude. It's like, unless your opinion is voiced in a reasonable non offensive way then it does not need to be heard. It's called politeness!

You will often find that, when paid back in the same manner, they can be very hurt or offended.
Also, they can (sometimes) get very flustered when asked to explain themselves further.

The ‘tell it as it is’ types always say negative things about people too, it’s hardly ever a compliment. They themselves though are never the self-deprecating type, they nearly always brag and big themselves up!

Yes, and so often they pride themselves on ‘speaking their mind’ - as if it’s a virtue.

I have an old aunt like this. We do our best to avoid her.

Exactly I'm not a racist but.
So you are a racist.

Why would you need to preface your second example by saying that, surely it indicates that you don't always tell the truth? You can always choose to say nothing

They proudly announce that they "say, it like they see it"

Who's is almost always code for being a rude twat

My mother was the same.

“your hair looks better long” an hour after I’ve had it cut off, is unnecessary and hurtful but she’s only being honest!

There’s absolutely no need for brutal honesty ALL OF THE TIME. Sometimes it’s nice just to be nice

My mother is a spiteful old hag. Well, you don’t want me to lie do you, I’m just being honest.

Im fine, we’ve been non contact for the best part of 30 years.