To find it frustrating when people say “they’re just being honest” when they’re actually being rude?

[OpenPombear]

It seems like some people use ‘honesty’ as an excuse to be hurtful. AIBU to feel that there’s a difference between being honest and being rude?

@Otteronaplane couldn't agree more, ex SIL was a horrible bully towards me when I first met exh and had a reputation amongst the family for being selfish and rude but they would complain about her and then say "but you know what she's life" she is still a massive twat to this day because no one really ever pulls her up on it (I did in the last few years of my marriage but felt I was seen as being a troublemaker for doing so)

I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of the “I tell it like it is/I’m just being honest” people don’t think it is at all acceptable if other people are brutally honest to them! It is just fine for them to be rude and hurtful to everyone around them, but heaven forbid anyone gives them a taste of their own medicine.

"I call a spade a spade" or "I tell it like it is”

”No - you are just a rude, hurtful offensive twat!”

”Wahhhhh - how can you be so mean to meeeeee?”

Someone I know says his wife tells it like it is because she's from 'a certain place'. My reply was, "For the sake of politeness, don't tell it like it is.".

The sheer arrogance of someone to use where they're from as an excuse to be rude.

It was an example, no need to get that deep about it

There's no yes or no answer to this question.

Did you solicit the comment? If you have asked for an opinion, then be prepared to hear the truth.

If you have not asked for an opinion, then comments about appearance etc. are generally unwarranted.

However if someone says "I should be fine to drive" when you know they have had four pints that merits you offering an unsolicited truth "No, you're over the limit and should not be driving".

Being honest simply means not lying, but it does NOT mean blurting out every thought that goes through your head.

You can tell the truth with tact, most of the time. Eg, your friend says "Do I look fat in this skirt?" you think "well, yes" but you say "I like the blue one better". If she continues to press on whether she looks fat you could say "The other one makes you look slimmer."

It also depends on whether the person has been rude to you first, as you do not owe anybody tact if they are tactless to you.

I remember years ago an aunt of mine commenting "Oh do you know you have a double chin?!" (I had just had a baby and had gotten a bit chubby) and I replied "Do you know you have had a double chin for the past 30 years but I've never mentioned it?"

In short, it depends.

I hope my friends would be honest enough to tell me if my new dress looked like a sack of shit on me rather than allow me to go out wearing it just to be “nice”!

This really pisses me off and I’ve vowed next time someone says it my response is going to be ‘no you say it how you think it is’ it’s always usually an opinion not fact.

Hmmm... I come from a very direct culture where being honest and saying what you think is quite standard. It's not rude, it's just the way we communicate. However this is obviously not the case in the UK and I really do try to tone it down here, but still occasionally get responses like "thank you for your honesty" when I genuinely thought I was being polite and indirect! Oops...

😂

That’s the response from someone who is
"just being honest"

'They're lovely once you get to know them!!' = they're a rude bastard but you'll get used to it 🙃🙃🙃🙃

100% Although you hear it less now.

'I speak my mind' followed by something utterly mindless and always rude. Surely the whole point of civilised society is that we don't speak our minds.

I had a boyfriend like this. Whenever he said “I’m just being honest,” my reply would be “No, you’re being tactless. There’s a difference.”

It depends really what you think is 'being rude'.
Like if you didn't like a meal at a restaurant for a genuine reason like, it was cold, overcooked etc, would you tell the waitress the truth when asked how was the meal? Or lie and say it was great?

Obviously if you say something like 'it was horrible' this us also honest but could be seen as 'rude'. But I don't necessarily think that being honest equals rudeness. Truth hurts sometimes but I'd rather that than protected by a lie

I don't live the the uk and I see this too, like here saying 'I want' or 'give me' are perfectly formal requests. You definitely couldn't say that in the uk! I do think we are odd when it comes to politeness and manners.

I ditched a friend because of this because six YEARS ago I dated a man who was initially nice but ended up being a twat so I dumped him but because I hung onto him for a few weeks while he transferred my car into my name (I paid for it) that makes me an awful person for staying with him (literally a few weeks ffs) she has stayed with a man who beat her for years she is still with him now she has many MANY children with him but rips the piss out of me over a few weeks? "Just being honest" no your not your bringing up the past to berate me for no fucking reason he is gone long gone there is no reason to speak about him so just stop? She wouldn't so we are no longer friends she has other friends who put up with her "honest" behaviour she literally treats everyone like this then wonders why no-one helps her out anymore

It depends if the receiver of the feedback opened the door or not.
I'll give you an example. A relative of mine was at a party where some woman was spouting racist nonsense. She turned to my relative and asked; "You don't think I'm a racist, do you?" He answered, "Yes, I do think you're a racist."
Some people told him he was rude, but I said no, because she opened the door.
What I'm saying is don't broadcast your opinions if you don't want them challenged and don't ask questions if there's a possibility that the answer will upset you.
If you are easily hurt by the opinions of others, don't get into discussions that are likely to become contentious. Stick to small talk.

Otoh, if somebody is not soliciting opinions by broadcasting their own or asking for feedback, politeness dictates that you should leave them alone. Don't just blurt out your negative thoughts about people apropos of nothing.

None of this applies on the Internet, because all of us here are broadcasting our opinions. We can't expect people not to challenge them. We can hope they mostly do so in a civilized and reasonable manner, but I do think it's unrealistic to expect people won't be annoyed by things we say and won't get a bit wound up at times. That's only human.

I remember years ago an aunt of mine commenting "Oh do you know you have a double chin?!" (I had just had a baby and had gotten a bit chubby) and I replied "Do you know you have had a double chin for the past 30 years but I've never mentioned it?"

Nice one

Yes, they're actually boasting about their lack of internal monologue and simple inability to know what is and what isn't appropriate to say in a social context.

All of the rest of us could do exactly the same thing if we wanted to, except we have basic social skills and try to be kind people, especially where it's something trivial and inconsequential; so we don't feel any need to just abuse people for a hairdo or outfit that we wouldn't personally have chosen.

Indeed - you can't live your entire life as if you were a contestant on Catchphrase!

I just want to throw up in an opinion that’s a bit different, whilst agreeing that just calling a spade a spade is basically admitting to being a twat.

There is nonetheless a much larger chunk of people who cannot cope at all with conflict of any description. They can’t cope with people expressing an opinion they don’t share in a calm but assertive way. They are appalling at communicating.

I am a clear, effective and polite communicator. I use phrases like “I disagree with you” which I can dial up or down as necessary. I don’t take stuff personally and I am good at finding the things we can agree on. I also know when to say nothing.

In my opinion, those who most dislike the Spade’s a Spade group also tend to be in the bad with conflict poor communicators group.

The worst thing my mother used to say to me was ‘I’m only being honest’ after literally saying the nastiest things to me, it would usually be topped of with ‘it’s for your own good’

I think the key to whether an 'honest" person is a wanker or not is whether their honesty is unpleasant. If someone is just committed to telling the truth as they see it, presumably they also see lots of positive things and are honest enough enough to point out that you handled that tantrum really well, your garden is looking beautiful and they've noticed that you do more than your fair share of driving/offering lifts as well as that those boots need a clean.

Yes!!! Also, have you noticed that when you comment back to them with your own version of "brutal honesty" they cant take it? Suddenly they dont like it! 😂

I just say

you want to be rude with a caveat

they often change the subject or never relinquish their comment