To find it frustrating when people say “they’re just being honest” when they’re actually being rude?

[OpenPombear]

It seems like some people use ‘honesty’ as an excuse to be hurtful. AIBU to feel that there’s a difference between being honest and being rude?

Again, you’ve misunderstood the thread, you’re just contradicting yourself, in my last comment to you, l repeated exactly what you said.And now you’re telling me l’m mixed up and you have a right to an opinion.Have you got any other slogans, other than it’s a free country and you’re allowed to give your opinions.
I’m really not interested, in what you have further to say.You are a prime example of what this thread is about.

But that's the thing: it might offend you -doesn't mean the person shouldn't say it, if it's true.

It's like the age old: 'Does my bum look big in this?' It may well do. So if it does, I'd rather be told so I can do something about it, than recieve a sugarcoated answer just to 'save' my feelings. I'll choose the truth EVERY time.

Mmm... actually I think you're a prime example of what this thread is about:
'I'm not really interested in what you have further to say'.
There is not a single instance where a comment like that would be considered anything other than 'rude'. That's not being honest.
'We'll have to agree to disagree' would be a much more polite way to make such an honest statement without offending someone. But that's not really what we're talking about here.
Whatever... I guess my honest vs rude standpoint comes from a position of not being a twat to begin with.

If you ever meet a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist in a social context, ask them what the difference is between "Meeting the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder" and "Just generally being an arsehole".

It breaks the ice (people in those professions are wary of saying what they do because a lot people think they are on duty 24/7) and you will get some interesting replies.

I'm confused... where's the insult?

If you're referring to the 'social veneer that most British people operate under' it's widely accepted that that's what most people do, so hardly an insult.

@Jumpingthruhoops - don’t you think it is possible to answer a question like “does my bum look big in this?” in a way that is honest but still not hurtful? That is what I would try to do, if I was asked this question.

I do wonder whether the people the OP is talking about isn’t the people who are answering a question honestly, but the ones who dish out their opinion regardless, and without caring about the recipient’s feelings whatsoever - I think the two are very different.

Often when people ask if their bum looks big, they don't want an honest answer, they want reassurance. If someone is overweight, they are usually aware and don't need someone 'honest' to tell them.

However it's cultural. In Germany for example, you'll get an honest answer to your question.

It’s the same as starting a sentence with “with all due respect”. Usually followed up with something not in the least bit respectful.

I disagree. I prefer when people are completely honest with me. I can't stand fake people.

I believe people can be honest without being deliberately hurtful or unkind, @Rain11 - don’t you?

There is a HUGE middle ground between "fake" and being deliberately unkind. Do you really see the world in such extreme terms?

I was talking about being honest and direct, not about being rude. You can say what you think without being deliberately rude.

I'm not a person who takes offence for everything. I prefer my inner circle to be honest. Fake politeness is really not my thing at all.

Each to their own.

I dont think being fake is anyone's "thing". I'd find it very, very odd if anyone said they preferred that, hence the point that you can be honest in a kind manner. The people we are referring to in this thread arent kind- thats the point. They utilise "I'm just being honest" to spout their mean, unwanted opinions. Hence people giving lots of examples of just such behaviour.

'If I'm being honest........'

When someone says that to me, I'm thinking have they been lying all along?

But if a person friend or otherwise, gives you a truthful honest answer, after being asked, does it still make it unkind if it's not the answer they wanted?
If you get offended by everything than that is a 'you' problem and not everyone else's job to walk on eggshells around. I know a few people who get so upset by certain words and they are bloody hard work!
Give me upfront and straight talking anyday.

"After being asked" is the point really isn't it? Because a lot of people give opinions without being asked

My mil and fil are prime examples of this, “I’m not being racist but” followed by something extremely racist and starting a story by saying “ I said it how I saw it” and then telling a story where they did some ‘straight taking’ and said some really nasty/hurtful stuff.

They are so proud of “saying it how it is”, but actually they are just giant twats. I’m no contact with them both now after years of horrible put downs.

"After being asked" is the point really isn't it? Because a lot of people give opinions without being asked

THIS. It's one thing to give an honest answer to a friend who asks you what you think of her new haircut for example. It's another entirely to go up to someone who hasn't asked for an opinion, is clearly happy with their choice, and then just tell them it looks shit. Who does that and why do you think they want or value your stupid opinion if they haven't asked for it?

Are you expecting them to immediately rush to the hair stylist and change it just because you have deigned to be "honest"? Not everyone likes the same things, just because you dont like something doesnt mean others dont so unless they have asked, your opinion is kind of worthless.

Yes it’s completely different to what this thread is about.The thread, is about, nobody was asking for the opinion in the first place and to say I’m just being honest, doesn’t excuse rudeness.

The point of this thread is, it’s not about giving an opinion, it’s about using the term "l’m just being honest" or "l say it as it is” when the opinion wasn’t even asked for.

But an opinion doesn't have to be asked for. People are allowed to give an opinion on anything and to whomever they like. What they can't do is be rude in their delivery of that opinion.

Yes - you are absolutely right, @ntmdino.

I suspect you may be right - but I've never understood that. Why ask a question you don't want an honest answer to?
Give me the German approach any time...

This! 👏👏

I've heard the Dutch are even more direct than the Germans. I actually prefer being direct and get a little frustrated at having to couch what I say lest it offend.

However we have certain customs in the UK such as asking someone how they are but not actually caring. Another is someone asking if they look fat, you never say they look fat. It's generally accepted that they just want reassurance.

I prefer being direct but don't deliberately want to hurt people's feelings.