To find it frustrating when people say “they’re just being honest” when they’re actually being rude?

[OpenPombear]

It seems like some people use ‘honesty’ as an excuse to be hurtful. AIBU to feel that there’s a difference between being honest and being rude?

"The ability to edit information before it's passed from your brain down to your mouth is an important social skill. It doesnt mean you shouldn't say what you think, but there are ways of expressing it that dont harm or denigrate others"

That's what I'm in the process of teaching my nine year old GC. They've moved up a year and their teacher is brilliant at teaching them boundaries and how every opinion doesn't have to be shared and because they think it, doesn't make it the truth. I'm autistic and ask myself, "is it wanted, is it needed, is it helpful/kind", before throwing my two penn'orth in, not necessarily with good friends, but work/in laws meet ups, chatting with strangers/acquaintances etc.

@AgileGreenSeal I see parents laughing at things said that they should be pulling their children up on and it continues. If it's a case of never being taught social niceties, then I think people can change. I learned sarcasm from my Mother, brash boldness from my Father (different culture) I didn't realise it wasn't something that you didn't do until I got a bit older. I'm glad an older woman took me aside and kindly told me were my communication was going wrong.

Of course parents need to teach their children how to behave, especially modelling good behaviour. We are all hugely influenced by our childhood experiences, including copying bad behaviour learned from parents.

I know some Dutch / German people who are like this.

@Soontobe60 I didn't say that it was a 'gotcha', I relayed the event. I also alluded to the fact that it was hardly professional, but perhaps you missed that part. While I certainly didn't say it myself, not would I, I think this person was just at the end of their tether and I understood their rancour. 🤷

See also "I'm a marmite person. People love me or hate me"

Everyone actually just hates you

I had a friend like this. She was ND so I tried to be understanding as possible but our friendship eventually ended. She told me I didn't have any friends (untrue), that I wasn't intellectual enough for her, that I wasn't a good communicator, made fun of my weight when I was a size 12 etc etc.

All under the guise of "I'm just being honest". Funnily enough she was never honest about anything positive or nice, and could never take any criticism of herself. After all, she was perfect.

Sometimes being honest is seen as being rude because we don’t like honesty. Example I’m a curvy woman really means I’m fat or overweight.

Funnily enough she was never honest about anything positive or nice, and could never take any criticism of herself

This is what I find strange too- if you love honesty so much, why not come out with honest compliments too- there must be something or someone you like? But strangely, those people never seem to be able to do that, it's always, always negative or unkind stuff.

yes this.

Reminds me of the scene in mean girls when Janis says "you think that everybody is in love with you when actually everybody hates you!"

Meant to add, yes it’s rude to make remarks about other people. Life’s too short to be nasty.

Being “honest” simply means not lying. That’s a low bar. Saying shitty things you believe out loud is just rude.

I like honesty, I just don't like unsolicited 'advice' or rudeness. If I ask a friend for an opinion, I want them to be honest, even if they disagree with me. I just don't understand why some people, uninvited, feel that everyone needs to know what they think.

That stunned me too, it’s vulgar. Telling the person they irritate everyone, giving examples, would be enough.

Last year one of the hairdressers where I go told me my long blonde hair was unflattering and did nothing for me. I burst out laughing and said thanks. She said, “well I’m just being honest”. Then ten minutes later she came back and kept saying how “gorgeous” my hair was, it was really bizarre. I don’t know if she felt embarrassed or what. My long blonde hair is all gone now thanks to chemo.

'well if you know what we're all thinking, you'll know that everyone thinks you're a massive cunt'.
😄

I agree. If they are broadcasting their racist beliefs they have already opened the door to feedback even without asking your opinion.
Some people seem to value politeness at all costs, but I am not one of them. If you're willing to act like an asshole you should be prepared to be told you're an asshole.

I knew a guy like this. He prided himself on being honest and opinionated. Biggest twat I have ever known.

My mum's one is 'Well you'd rather I tell you, wouldn't you?' No, actually!

It's the same as when people start a sentence with "No offence, but..." I mean, you know what's coming is going to be totally offensive, and they might as well have said "I don't care that I'm offending you but...."

My DH's brother is married to a woman who 'call's a spade a spade". My BIL once said to me that he loves the fact that his wife will say exactly what she thinks. While I can see that's good sometimes, the fact that most of the family no longer speak to them might indicate that, on the whole, it might be better if she sometimes keeps her opinions to herself.

But are too polite to say.

I know.
They use it like a badge of honour.
In my experience, they can't take it when you say similar back to them.. and I always do 😈

Perfect response!

The point is nobody’s asking for this honesty.
If someone is asking for your advice, fair enough.
But this thread isn’t about that, it’s about people, her make out they’re just being honest, when they haven’t been asked, to which they give their own biased opinion, which according to them is right.And no, curvy, doesn’t actually mean someone is fat (l’m of slim build, would never say that) it just means they have a womanly figure, all their curves are in the right places.

There is a difference, yes. However, I'd also say that those who are offended by an honest opinion will often claim the other person is 'rude' when all they're doing is just telling them something they don't want to hear.

And they can never take it back, either!