To find it frustrating when people say “they’re just being honest” when they’re actually being rude?

[OpenPombear]

It seems like some people use ‘honesty’ as an excuse to be hurtful. AIBU to feel that there’s a difference between being honest and being rude?

You obviously don’t understand the thread.
nobody’s asking for their opinion, that’s the whole point.

My mother loves to say unkind things and when you pull her up on it she will retort that she is a " truth teller" and has to " speak her mind".

Depends entirely on context. I took my BFF wedding dress shopping with me because I knew she would be brutally honest (and she was -“no darling, not that one. Somehow it makes your arse look massive” 🤣🤣🤣) In a very close relationship I think you can sometimes be brutally honest.
Other people though, yeah they are just rude. I had a “friend” like that who just used to slag of everyone and everything under the pretext of being “ honest”. Actually, she was just an old bitch.

That was a perfectly reasonable way to respond and whoever said that is wrong. In fact it's the best way to respond, it's true - being rude would be if you'd said I'm not coming as that sounds a crap party/outing etc. Although even then I think it's reasonable to be invited to something ie do you want to go and see x with me and say no thanks, it's not my thing.

Challenge with the social padding is you can get roped into agreeing to do something else you don't want to.

Tell them
"Honesty is OK but I don't expect you to be rude, unkind or disrespectful."

They are basically telling you that they expect to break society's rules without consequence. Not a good sign.

That was a perfectly reasonable way to respond and whoever said that is wrong. In fact it's the best way to respond, it's true - being rude would be if you'd said I'm not coming as that sounds a crap party/outing etc. Although even then I think it's reasonable to be invited to something ie do you want to go and see x with me and say no thanks, it's not my thing

Exactly. Honesty is saying "I cant make it, I have another engagement and its not really my thing, but I hope you have a good time"

Rude would be saying "I'm not going to that! it sounds like utter shit, I cant believe you'd think I'd enjoy such rubbish".

Just be polite (which is the first one), you really dont have to pad it out with "oh it sounds lovely, I'm so gutted to miss it" etc..Thats just unnecessary and is actually lying if it's not really your thing anyway.

Them: I say it like I see it and call a spade a spade.
Me: Ah ... so you're that person.

The other one is "I don't suffer fools gladly"; really means they are an arrogant rude arsehole.

I understand it perfectly thanks.
OP posted:
It seems like some people use ‘honesty’ as an excuse to be hurtful. AIBU to feel that there’s a difference between being honest and being rude?
I've merely explained what the difference is.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Personally, I DO suffer actual fools gladly, but weapons-grade arseholes get both barrels!

So your understanding of the post is, apparently, the people who get offended, by an "honest opinion” will claim the other person is rude, when all they’re doing is telling them, something they don’t want to hear.
The point being is, who is actually asking for their opinion, this is my understanding of this thread.To say to someone, l’m just being honest, using this, as a way to insult and push their opinion.
So no, l don’t think you understand perfectly, your opinion and others who choose to give an opinion, which wasn’t even asked for, doesn’t make it a fact.

Yep agree, another phrase that pisses me right off is “don’t take this the wrong way but..insert insults “. Errr I’ll decide if what you say offends me actually!

Firm fave of Mil, thankfully we are NC now by my husbands choice for various reasons, but have to say the “I’m just being honest” etc used to really get on my nerves.

A friend of mine, sadly dead, who used to shoot from the hip, didn’t say “being honest”, she said “being blunt”. Which was honest.

See I can't stand people being false. Being nice, social lies, forced politeness, false modesty. I find it shallow and two faced. If I've said something out if turn then I'll apologise but I prefer direct, open forthright people to the social veneer that most British people operate under.

You’re not wrong. And the disdain the of the ‘be kind brigade’ is part of this. Kindness matters and always will.

Do you know all British people? Oh of course, you were just being honest.

Anyone whom says ' be honest' is almost certainly angling for praise. They will not thank you for your insight if its disagreeable to them.

Anyone whom sets the scene by prefacing with ' call a spade a spade, me etc' is preparing listeners for an unpleasant observation, and is looking for a reaction. Bit like flasher tbh.

😂 You’ve just given your opinion, ending it, in an insult.Isn’t that the whole point of this thread "I’m just being honest"

My mum's favourite phrase is "you've got to be cruel to be kind". She was on the phone to one of her sisters once when I still lived at home, discussing another sister who was terribly ill in hospital & mum kept repeating "she'd be better off dead" at her sister who was crying. Afterwards she kept saying to me that you have to be cruel to be kind. Perhaps her own distress about her ill sister's suffering caused her to say that and maybe she was trying to get her sister on the phone to face the reality of how ill their sister was (the sister in hospital died a few weeks later) but...I felt it was unnecessarily hard. I think some people sometimes confuse being honest with offering blunt unsolicited opinions. Now that pps have pointed it out its true I rarely hear blunt unsolicited compliments handed out I have to agree.

Wow!
Quite possibly, or more likely, some people on this thread would think that was perfectly fine!

My mum's favourite phrase is "you've got to be cruel to be kind".

Whilst that can sometimes be the case in certain circumstances, saying it all the time is just using the last three words as unnecessary filler; some would say 'a lie'.

It's a bit like CF moochers who adopt "sharing is caring" as their regular catchphrase when trying to force other people to hand over their food/money/stuff.

It's literally using 'nice' sounding words redundantly, as saying "I like being cruel" or "you must hand over your stuff to me, as I'm too mean to get my own" rather give the game away as to their true intentions.

I have known two people (ex bfs) who used to start a sentence with "to be honest....". It invariably meant that a lie was following.

And it’s the “ no offence but…. Followed by something hurtful and rude that does cause offence!

Don't you think it is possible - even easy - to tell the truth without being cruel or nasty or hurting someone's feelings, @Dmsandfloatydress?

I don't think it is being false or lying to express a truth in a way that does not cause upset to the hearer. This thread is not about being open or even forthright - it is about being deliberately unkind or offensive, but hiding behind the mantle of 'just being direct', 'just telling it how it is' etc.

For me, the proof of the pudding is in the way that these people respond when they are on the receiving end of similar 'direct honesty' aka nastiness - they cannot take it, only dish it out.

I think you've got this all a bit mixed up. OP didn't specify whether the person receiving the opinion had 'asked for it'. Just whether those who claim to be honest are, in actual fact, rude.
My opinion - which I'm allowed to give whether anyone asked for it or not because we live in a free country - is that, I believe most often, the ones saying a person is rude are those who don't like receiving honest opinions.