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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My sons tutor sent me an email to say she’s concerned about him

221 replies

NiceViewFromHere · 27/09/2024 16:25

I got an email from my sons tutor yesterday saying he “looked tired and pale recently especially in the mornings” and she wanted to check if he’s ok and have we noticed. We haven’t so I emailed back to say he’s in bed by 9:30/9:45 and seems fine to us. He’s had a massive growth spurt over the summer so has stretched further into a tall gangly teenager but then both my husband and I were like beanpoles when we were 14 and I always had dark circles under my eyes. He’s a bit quieter than he was but we put that down to becoming a teenage boy. He’s 14 in a few weeks. I asked her if she could elaborate so she said it was best to talk on the phone as she can’t explain properly via email. She rang me this morning and said she’s noticed for a while now how pale and grey he looks and she asked another teacher who agreed and said he looked gaunt! She said that he’s lost his spark and I should perhaps take him to get his iron tested. I told him he has a healthy appetite and gets to bed on time but she was quite insistent something was wrong with him. I know that this tutor is not liked in the school and his older sister has backed that up. He’s home later tonight as he has football practice so I will sit him down and talk to him. But we find it odd as he seems happy at home and is eating well. From the conversation we had I felt she was trying to insinuate that there are problems at home or something. It’s peed us off quite a bit as my son doesn’t look ill. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset at his tutor?

OP posts:
Lemonadeand · 27/09/2024 19:49

Am I being unreasonable to feel upset at his tutor?

Isn’t it better that teachers communicate with parents and raise concerns? Because it could be nothing but it could be something and another parent might say… ah well yeah he’s been up gaming until gone midnight or something like that.

It does seem like teachers can’t do anything right and whatever approach they take, parents will be unhappy and complain.

Strictlymad · 27/09/2024 19:55

I don’t see how being concerned he looks pale and suggested an iron test is insinuating problems at home? Sounds like a lovely concerned tutor to me

EdithBond · 27/09/2024 20:09

I can see how you perhaps feel patronised or under suspicion of poor parenting by the teacher suggesting he may not be eating healthily or getting enough sleep. Interesting she preferred to talk rather than explain her concerns in writing by email, which may suggest she knows she’s being a little too interfering.

But it seems to me she’s acting out of concern in making you aware of her observations, which is good practice in terms of child welfare, especially as you hadn’t noticed.

He could well be deficient in iron or some other vitamin or mineral. They need a lot of iron when growing fast and don’t always eat enough iron-rich foods, such as green leafy vegetables, at that age. So, iron tablets can be helpful. I get my kids to take them when run down. Is he vegetarian? This can make it more challenging for teenagers to get enough iron. It could also be dehydration.

Also, are you sure he’s getting to sleep when he goes to bed and not up half the night on his phone?

At 14, he’s a young adult and it’s best to treat him as such. So, I’d tell him the school’s been in touch and ask if he feels tired at school and why he thinks it might be. Could be boredom/concentration.

I’d also suggest he pays a visit to the doctor to get checked out. It may well be that he looks gaunt and tired due to genetics. But it least if he’s had blood tests, you can show the school there’s no apparent problem.

Speakyminder · 27/09/2024 20:10

I think you’re probably just feeling a bit defensive as you feel you know him best, but she really is just concerned about him and raising it to you because she’s good at her job- not because she’s a horrible bitch. It’s coming from a place of kindness and care for your child.

I raised a similar concern with a child in my form class who ended up being diagnosed with a very serious illness. What if his mother had ignored me? I’m not for one second saying this is the case with your son- it is probably just the after effects of a growth spurt, as you say- but please just go and get him checked. If anything, the GP may suggest multi vitamins or iron tablets to help supplement him and keep his energy levels up. It’s tiring being a teenager.

BetterOffDeadWillNeverFindAMan · 27/09/2024 20:14

'My sons teacher is looking out for our son. How can I defame her on mumsnet?'

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 27/09/2024 20:27

No harm in getting his iron checked and think about vitamin d supplements if you don’t already. Is he really getting enough sleep - what time is he up in the morning? Teenagers need a lot of sleep but many of them don’t get enough. My DS would be zonked out by 9.30 at that age, he gets up at 6.45am though, and would still go to bed earlier a couple of nights a week.

DGPP · 27/09/2024 20:32

I think you are being very unreasonable. A caring teacher is flagging potential concerns to you. I’d be so pleased other adults are caring about my child.
at nearly 14 have you considered you possibly don’t know everything about him? Talk to him and get his iron checked or start vitamins

Luio · 27/09/2024 20:33

I got a similar call from my son’s form tutor as she was worried he was a bit depressed. I was delighted that she cared. I think your reaction is a bit odd.

marbeth · 27/09/2024 20:34

Do listen to the teacher. As professional it is hard raising concerns. She has best interest of your child. Worth just getting a blood test to check for anaemia. If all fine it will be reassuring.
I used to walk with a friend. She said she was feeling tired all the time. Had no energy. I encouraged her to get her bloods checked as I thought she may be anemic . I was a Nurse at the time. She went to Gp her throat was sore . Gp said she had tonsillitis. And was sending her home. My friend stood her ground and said she wanted a blood test just to check.
Bloods came back that day and rushed to hospital with leukaemia.

OhTediosity · 27/09/2024 20:42

It is probably also worth adding that in nearly twenty years of teaching I have learnt that the time when teens go to bed and the time when they actually go to sleep can be very different indeed, even for the loveliest of students, and their parents generally have no idea!

Scandicc · 27/09/2024 20:44

She specifically suggest checking for deficiencies yet you still choose to take that as she is criticising your household? Bizarre

tinytemper66 · 27/09/2024 20:48

I see OP hasn't returned.
Don't like the replies? Mmm...

Harrumphhhh · 27/09/2024 20:50

Wow. Teacher cares about kid. Shocker.

FFS.

pollyglot · 27/09/2024 21:00

Aquamarine1029 · Today 17:40

GivingitToGod · Today 17:35
TBH, I'd be annoyed too, especially when u know about his diet and sleep patterns. And teenagers do have growth spurts

What's to be annoyed about?

GITG @Aquamarine1029 is so right. Just WHY would you be annoyed?
In my 47-year teaching career, I have picked up not only health issues, but other problems among my students. Not one parent was ever "annoyed" that I had taken the trouble to contact them with my concerns; indeed, they were invariably extremely grateful that I had noticed and alerted them. FFS, thank Providence that I'm out of the classroom and cannot be publicly abused by idiots for being observant.

ssd · 27/09/2024 21:03

Are you pissed off she noticed before you did?

OodlesPoodle · 27/09/2024 21:08

Going to go against the grain here and think a teacher shouldn't be commenting on the weight/complexion/appetite of a child because frankly they're not doctors or dieticians or experts on health matters in any way. Unless the child is visibly malnourished which your boy clearly isn't. A bit gaunt, grey, lacking appetite - come on! Would they do it if he was massively overweight - suggest to a parent they feed the child healthy meals? Or if a girl was suddenly full of acne suggest she had poor sleeping habits and diet? Unless he's performing extremely poorly or being disruptive and odd - it's not their business. Being a teacher doesn't give you carte blanche to dissect every aspect of a child/family's life or comment on it - especially when opinions around diets, sleep are deeply personal. It's as rude as other parents commenting on how women raise their babies. Not everything is tied to concern, and some teachers don't know very much about teenagers despite teaching them.

Gagaandgag · 27/09/2024 21:08

This isn’t about you it’s about your son. Stop taking offence

notafanofmarmite · 27/09/2024 21:09

Take your son to the doctor to get checked out for his sake. And, for your own sake, you probably don’t want social services involved. If there is nothing wrong, you have proof. If there is something wrong, your son will feel better. Win-win.

surreygirl1987 · 27/09/2024 21:12

tinytemper66 · 27/09/2024 16:29

Wow...
Peed off because someone cares enough to contact you about your child.

Yep. No wonder teachers are leaving the profession with parents like this.

OP, you should be grateful that this teacher actually cares enough to bother to call you at all. Many wouldn't.

OodlesPoodle · 27/09/2024 21:16

OodlesPoodle · 27/09/2024 21:08

Going to go against the grain here and think a teacher shouldn't be commenting on the weight/complexion/appetite of a child because frankly they're not doctors or dieticians or experts on health matters in any way. Unless the child is visibly malnourished which your boy clearly isn't. A bit gaunt, grey, lacking appetite - come on! Would they do it if he was massively overweight - suggest to a parent they feed the child healthy meals? Or if a girl was suddenly full of acne suggest she had poor sleeping habits and diet? Unless he's performing extremely poorly or being disruptive and odd - it's not their business. Being a teacher doesn't give you carte blanche to dissect every aspect of a child/family's life or comment on it - especially when opinions around diets, sleep are deeply personal. It's as rude as other parents commenting on how women raise their babies. Not everything is tied to concern, and some teachers don't know very much about teenagers despite teaching them.

And I base this on the fact that I was a very thin child naturally - had an overweight teacher who raised a similar concern, and my parents were forced to get me checked out. It made me conscious about my weight for YEARS even though I was just of a different build at puberty and this teacher couldn't understand it. My mother had the same build her whole life. Teachers carry their own biases about weight and appetite - and 'gauntness' - not everything is a bloody call for help.

OnYourTogs · 27/09/2024 21:18

I would be grateful they cared enough to raise the matter, take him to a GP, and keep an eye on him. If there was nothing wrong, well that would be great. The teacher's popularity seems irrelevant.

CuttySarcasm · 27/09/2024 21:29

My son was anaemic and we had no idea, it got picked up whilst investigating something else, a varied diet doesn't always do it if they're susceptible to it, it's worth a check.

HMW1906 · 27/09/2024 21:39

The teacher cares enough about your child to take time out of her busy day to contact you to raise her concern and you’re pissed off that she did that! Really??!! I think I’ve heard it all now.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2024 21:42

ssd · 27/09/2024 21:03

Are you pissed off she noticed before you did?

Of course. This is all about the op's fragile ego. She's more concerned about saving face than the health of her son.

TENSsion · 27/09/2024 21:44

Why has this upset you?

Why are you so defensive?

Take him to the doctors. It costs nothing.

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