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AIBU?

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Original poster

My sons tutor sent me an email to say she’s concerned about him

221 replies

NiceViewFromHere · 27/09/2024 16:25

I got an email from my sons tutor yesterday saying he “looked tired and pale recently especially in the mornings” and she wanted to check if he’s ok and have we noticed. We haven’t so I emailed back to say he’s in bed by 9:30/9:45 and seems fine to us. He’s had a massive growth spurt over the summer so has stretched further into a tall gangly teenager but then both my husband and I were like beanpoles when we were 14 and I always had dark circles under my eyes. He’s a bit quieter than he was but we put that down to becoming a teenage boy. He’s 14 in a few weeks. I asked her if she could elaborate so she said it was best to talk on the phone as she can’t explain properly via email. She rang me this morning and said she’s noticed for a while now how pale and grey he looks and she asked another teacher who agreed and said he looked gaunt! She said that he’s lost his spark and I should perhaps take him to get his iron tested. I told him he has a healthy appetite and gets to bed on time but she was quite insistent something was wrong with him. I know that this tutor is not liked in the school and his older sister has backed that up. He’s home later tonight as he has football practice so I will sit him down and talk to him. But we find it odd as he seems happy at home and is eating well. From the conversation we had I felt she was trying to insinuate that there are problems at home or something. It’s peed us off quite a bit as my son doesn’t look ill. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset at his tutor?

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 27/09/2024 17:39

You're noticing the same things and you're not concerned? Take him to a doctor.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2024 17:40

GivingitToGod · 27/09/2024 17:35

TBH, I'd be annoyed too, especially when u know about his diet and sleep patterns. And teenagers do have growth spurts

What's to be annoyed about?

schnubbins · 27/09/2024 17:41

Poor teachers !

5128gap · 27/09/2024 17:41

She thinks your DS looks unwell. Perhaps she has heightened sensitivity to this because she has experience of people looking like he does and being ill. I certainly struggle to see the malice here. Personally I'd just take him to the GP to get his bloods done.

blackpear · 27/09/2024 17:41

She sounds a very caring teacher. I'd be delighted someone was looking out for my child. I can't see why anyone would be annoyed, even if the teacher is mistaken. She just thinks it's worth getting him checked out.

Tel12 · 27/09/2024 17:43

He may be in bed but are you sure that he's actually asleep?

MissRoseDurward · 27/09/2024 17:44

I'd be annoyed too, especially when u know about his diet and sleep patterns.

OP knows what time he goes to bed. She doesn't know if he actually sleeps. Several people have asked if he has a phone or other device in his room overnight.

WeAreNotCookingTheSpoon · 27/09/2024 17:45

dd was pale with dark circles even though she ate and slept well, turned out she had coeliac disease and was therefore anaemic and low vit d. Eating and sleeping well doesn't preclude something not being right.

Lemonyyy · 27/09/2024 17:47

You should probably have a think about why you are taking this defensively - nothing she’s said is a criticism of you or you your son! I suffered from chronic anaemia as a teen and taking iron was really helpful for me, don’t dismiss it out of hand when it could make a real difference.

Choochoo21 · 27/09/2024 17:48

Why would you be annoyed that she’s concerned about him.

She sounds like an amazing woman and I wish all teachers were like her.

She’s more likely to see changes in him because you see him everyday and the changes are probably gradual and so you don’t notice as much.

He’s obviously changed quite a lot for her and other staff to notice so I would be thanking her and having a chat with him and then booking a gp appointment.

Singleandproud · 27/09/2024 17:48

@GivingitToGod you do know that children develop medical conditions irrespective of good diet and sleep habits?

Diabetes being one that is prime at showing up at Secondary age and has the symptoms both the teacher and OP have noticed, as does anaemia which is also common in this age group. Crohn's / IBS are other similar conditions that it would be worth crossing out too. Just because you have a great diet doesn't mean there isn't something internally stopping nutrients being absorbed properly.

5128gap · 27/09/2024 17:49

MissRoseDurward · 27/09/2024 17:44

I'd be annoyed too, especially when u know about his diet and sleep patterns.

OP knows what time he goes to bed. She doesn't know if he actually sleeps. Several people have asked if he has a phone or other device in his room overnight.

She also doesn't have xray vision or the power to screen for diseases from pure motherly intuition. If someone told me my DS looked ill I wouldn't be getting defensive about how well he ate and how much sleep he got and on my high horse about teachers over stepping. My priority would be to get it checked out. If nothing else she can then answer the teacher that he's fine from a place of knowledge rather than guess work.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 27/09/2024 17:51

GivingitToGod · 27/09/2024 17:35

TBH, I'd be annoyed too, especially when u know about his diet and sleep patterns. And teenagers do have growth spurts

None of that means he couldn't also have a vitamin deficiency or underlying illness.

Lots of illnesses and conditions only present themselves when they're really bad.

Mumto32022 · 27/09/2024 17:53

I think it’s nice that the teacher has reached out and obviously cares. I wouldn’t take any offence by it.
I would just take him to the doctors and get some bloods done. If they come back normal great and if they don’t then he can be put on tablets

LeedsUniPlanning · 27/09/2024 17:57

You see him everyday. You may not notice a gradual change. I didn't with a health issue of one of my DC..which was then visibly obvious once diagnosed.

Teachers have had 6 weeks without seeing students. Now they are back...look a bit peaky the first few weeks they may just put it down to a bug/couple of off days. Longer than that, absolutely raise it.

Like PP I am just appalled you are complaining about this!

pinkdelight · 27/09/2024 17:57

I find it useful as I get older to step back and ask myself why I'm feeling defensive and touchy about things instead of going to upset and annoyance with others. It may feel an easy fix to comfort yourself that this teacher is not liked and you're a great mum who knows best, but it doesn't really help move things on. Better to get past that and look at the more important matters. Find out if your DS is well via the GP. And make your own mind up about this teacher. You might like her a lot, or not. But you can't take kids' opinions of a teacher and your own insecurities as the barometer of whether your DS is well or not.

Garlicnaan · 27/09/2024 17:58

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/09/2024 16:30

Sometimes someone not as close can see differences/changes more than those who see him every day, all day.

Really good point.
Take it seriously. What harm is there in getting him checked out?

Holidays78 · 27/09/2024 18:00

Teachers can never do the right thing.

She's noticed a change in your son, took appropriate action by contacting you and reporting her concerns. A doctors visit wouldn't be a bad idea.

I was in work Monday and three people who I see probably see once a month, asked me if I was okay as I didn't look well. I said I was fine. Wednesday I came down with the lurgy. Obviously I didn't look as well as I felt Monday.

GoldenRed · 27/09/2024 18:00

I think people are giving the OP a really hard time. As parents, we think we know our kids best, so it can feel tough to have someone on the outside expressing concern. It makes us feel like we've been uncaring for not noticing.

Don't be offended OP and know that when we're around people everyday, you could miss some subtle changes that add up to something bigger. The teachers didn't see your son all summer, so maybe he does look more gaunt and pale to them – whereas for you, it's something that's happened gradually so it hasn't registered.

There's no harm in getting it checked out.

But I completely understand how you feel! I'd be the same.

Elizo · 27/09/2024 18:01

I think it is a positive they are keeping an eye out. One teacher called me to say my DS looked v tired. She was right. No ness to get defensive. I would say take him for a blood test then (most likely) tell her all ok but thanks for looking out for him.

Nannyoggapple · 27/09/2024 18:02

I would also find it annoying.

But teachers /tutors are trained in safeguarding and have to look out for children's welfare.

I remember one of my teachers contacted my mother, as she was concerned that I wasn't eating properly on a school trip we had gone on

Swissvisa · 27/09/2024 18:03

It’s easy (and probably normal) to take this personally. It maybe feels as if she thinks you’re not doing enough for him/ looking after him. But if she’s gone out of her way to reach out to you and say she worried then I can only see that she had good intentions. If she thought you were abusive then she would have gone a different route.

She was worried enough that she contacted you and shared her thoughts. Be grateful there are people out there looking out for children in this way (even if you feel that it was unnecessary in this particular instance).

TootieeFruitiee · 27/09/2024 18:04

go get him some blood tests through the Gp.

Londonrach1 · 27/09/2024 18:06

She worried about him. Doesn't seen him daily so sees changes. Please book yo see the gp to put your mind at rest. Yabu by the way as tutor is concerned

BCSurvivor · 27/09/2024 18:07

He may be in bed before 10pm, but is he asleep, or could he be on his phone/social media well into the night?
I think it's normal as a parent to get a bit defensive, but I do think this teacher is genuinely concerned about your son.
When my son was 17 a tutor raised similar concerns with me.
At first I was mortified, then defensive, followed by embarrassed and tearful, but then I realised there was a lot going on under the surface that was having a huge affect on both my son's home and school life that I just hadn't realised at the time.
And I'm really grateful that his tutor brought it to my attention.