My sons tutor sent me an email to say she’s concerned about him

[NiceViewFromHere]

I got an email from my sons tutor yesterday saying he “looked tired and pale recently especially in the mornings” and she wanted to check if he’s ok and have we noticed. We haven’t so I emailed back to say he’s in bed by 9:30/9:45 and seems fine to us. He’s had a massive growth spurt over the summer so has stretched further into a tall gangly teenager but then both my husband and I were like beanpoles when we were 14 and I always had dark circles under my eyes. He’s a bit quieter than he was but we put that down to becoming a teenage boy. He’s 14 in a few weeks. I asked her if she could elaborate so she said it was best to talk on the phone as she can’t explain properly via email. She rang me this morning and said she’s noticed for a while now how pale and grey he looks and she asked another teacher who agreed and said he looked gaunt! She said that he’s lost his spark and I should perhaps take him to get his iron tested. I told him he has a healthy appetite and gets to bed on time but she was quite insistent something was wrong with him. I know that this tutor is not liked in the school and his older sister has backed that up. He’s home later tonight as he has football practice so I will sit him down and talk to him. But we find it odd as he seems happy at home and is eating well. From the conversation we had I felt she was trying to insinuate that there are problems at home or something. It’s peed us off quite a bit as my son doesn’t look ill. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset at his tutor?

Exactly!

I think you're being defensive because you think you should have spotted it. Sometimes it's hard to notice change, or we compare to ourselves (I was little that at 14) whereas an outsider perspective can be very helpful.

You can talk to him but if he has a deficiency or, God forbid, an illness, then he won't necessarily realise. This is best checked with blood tests. I would take him to the GP even if he says he's OK. And IF anything is amiss you will be very grateful to this teacher.

I work at a school and we recently noticed a child almost the exact same as this. It was so unlike him that we did report it to his head of year. This boy seems to be back to his bouncy self now and I'm not sure if anything was said to family.

If it was my child, I would want to know.

What a bitch - doing her job and raising concerns

Like a pp, I'm in two minds...

I remember when I once dared to go into work with no make up on and was asked if I was ill...I was absolutely fine...my skin is pale because that's the colour of it FFS. ... having said that, that's not the issue here and im guessing they've noticed a change,?

I would keep an eye on your ds and take him to the gp.

Does he have a phone or any devices overnight?

@NiceViewFromHere I think you've just got to use some logic. A busy Friday at the end of a busy start to term. What teacher is going to make an unnecessary phone call? They have so much to do. So they've noticed something. It might be nothing, but they've noticed it enough to be concerned and to actually ring you.

So what if he eats well, that doesn't exclude a deficiency or anything else.

Two professionals clearly think he looks ill so surely that is worthy of investigation

To be fair he might have low iron if he's just had a major growth spurt, and you had dark circles under the eyes when you were younger...those dark circles you had might've been low iron too, could be genetic.

Either way, I don't think she's doing anything wrong, it's nice she cares.

She could be the most unpopular tutor who ever darkened the door of that school and her reputation might be entirely justified.

It doesn't preclude the possibility that she's right.

I know that this tutor is not liked in the school and his older sister has backed that up.

What's that got to do with any of this?

I had to comment on this as my 14 year old had a huge growth spurt at start of year but was very tired in mornings and looked off colour. Turned out he had anaemia and very low vitamin d. I’d get his bloods down as could be vitamin deficiency. I’d appreciate the Teacher showing some concern to be honest.

God alive I'm so glad I'm not a teacher anymore

You are being so weirdly defensive about this. A person can be happy, eat well, and still be ill.

When I was teaching in the school nursery class a few years ago. I had a little one who I noticed was very pale, always tired, not eating snack with the other children.
I brought it up with his dad who was very defensive and rude to me. The child then started falling asleep in the middle of the classroom and I brought it up again. They made a complaint about me and I was hauled into the head teachers office.
After the Christmas break we started changing for a fun PE lesson to get the children ready for reception class.
The child lifted his top and had lots of bruises, couldn't tell me how they happened and was too tired to do the lesson.
I followed our safeguarding procedure and filled out the relevant paperwork, informed the parents and the safeguarding lead.
At the end of the day the parents screamed in my face that they were removing him from my class, I had it out for them, I was the worst teacher etc.
They went straight to the office and by 5pm I was in the head teachers office again being told I was being investigated and the head of governors had been alerted to the situation.
It was the start of a really bad turn for my mental health. Parents and colleagues gossiping, no one really listening or on your side, crap union support. I ended up leaving teaching all together and now work for the civil service.
By February half term the poor child was rushed to hospital and was diagnosed with Lukemia and was extremely poorly, he is still receiving treatment today.
No one ever acknowledged this with me. The investigation of course found nothing and I was expected to return to my role that I had previously loved as though nothing had happened with.
I left in the July and have never looked back.
Teachers are people too. They care about your child. It's a hard job with a terrible work life balance and I would rather walk over hot coals than deal with parents ever again.

Poor teacher. I hope she finds a job somewhere else in a community that appreciates her care for her students.

It's your son so do what you want but don't try to paint the teacher in a bad light for doing her job.

A friend of mines daughter was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago. She openly admitted it took other people pointing out how poorly she looked before she noticed, because to her, seeing her every day the changes had been so gradual. She is a lovely mother and not at all neglectful, but sometimes we can't see things that are right in front of us.

Obviously it could also be nothing at all, but no harm in getting it checked out.

You are imagining she is suggesting there is an issue at home. Listen to what she actually said, she has concerns for your son. There is no need to get defensive. Thank her and look into it.

THIS!!!

And THIS!

Poor woman, If she noticed and didn't say anything to you and it turns out your son is seriously ill I can imagine the venomous thread that would be written about her not saying anything!!!
What does her popularity with students have to do with anything? I have a lovely teacher friend who isn't popular with her classes as she is quite strict and expects decent behaviour!

Fgs so defensive.
Just thank her for thinking of him.
No wonder the world's in such a mess and people are so angry and defensive all the time.

You are being defensive because someone else pointed out what you hadn't noticed.

YABU to take offense at someone doing their job and being diligent and caring enough to express her concerns to you.

Two teachers are concerned that he's not himself. And you yourself have said that he's quieter than usual. And you're pissed off?

Any very slow deterioration in your kid's health can be hard to spot when you're with them all the time. I was blind to something similar once, until a friend mentioned it.

So I'd be grateful to the tutors, and maybe get him checked over.

Wow, just wow. I've seen threads over the last few years about teachers giving up....this is just why. "This tutor is not popular". Well she would be for me. I'd be ringing the head teacher to say how caring she is. She is worried about a child and all you can do is chip away at her reputation, deny what she is saying and no even consider that a professional, who deals with hundreds of children, might actually have a point. And that she has gone over and about to help a child she is worried about....

btw he might go to bed early but does he actually sleep..is he on his phone till God knows what time. At his age I had the radio under my pillow listening to John peel then radio Luxembourg