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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sons tutor sent me an email to say she’s concerned about him

221 replies

NiceViewFromHere · 27/09/2024 16:25

I got an email from my sons tutor yesterday saying he “looked tired and pale recently especially in the mornings” and she wanted to check if he’s ok and have we noticed. We haven’t so I emailed back to say he’s in bed by 9:30/9:45 and seems fine to us. He’s had a massive growth spurt over the summer so has stretched further into a tall gangly teenager but then both my husband and I were like beanpoles when we were 14 and I always had dark circles under my eyes. He’s a bit quieter than he was but we put that down to becoming a teenage boy. He’s 14 in a few weeks. I asked her if she could elaborate so she said it was best to talk on the phone as she can’t explain properly via email. She rang me this morning and said she’s noticed for a while now how pale and grey he looks and she asked another teacher who agreed and said he looked gaunt! She said that he’s lost his spark and I should perhaps take him to get his iron tested. I told him he has a healthy appetite and gets to bed on time but she was quite insistent something was wrong with him. I know that this tutor is not liked in the school and his older sister has backed that up. He’s home later tonight as he has football practice so I will sit him down and talk to him. But we find it odd as he seems happy at home and is eating well. From the conversation we had I felt she was trying to insinuate that there are problems at home or something. It’s peed us off quite a bit as my son doesn’t look ill. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset at his tutor?

OP posts:
notbelieved · 27/09/2024 18:59

Can you explain what not being liked has to do with this teacher's observations of your child?

She thinks he looks unwell. Why are you defensive?

Baguettesandcheeseforever · 27/09/2024 19:00

Teachers cannot win!! FFS, here is a teacher showing concern and noticing changes in a student in her care and a parent complains!!!

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/09/2024 19:04

You sound so defensive that it makes me wonder if there actually is something wrong at home, or perhaps some secret in his personal life?

MojoMoon · 27/09/2024 19:05

When I was 14, my friend developed anorexia and lost a huge amount of weight very quickly.

Somehow her parents only noticed that this might be a problem when her form tutor rang to express concern to them.

I'm not saying your son has anorexia but a good teacher should notice changes in their students and express them to the parents where appropriate - it might get them the medical treatment they need.

Why be on the defensive? Just say "thanks for calling, I'll get a GP appointment booked in".

Teenagers keep secrets from their parents. What is he consuming outside school? Is he actually sleeping through the night or is he just in his room at certain point? Drugs? You can't know for sure and so why not have a conversation and go to the GP?

branstonpickle28 · 27/09/2024 19:06

As a secondary school tutor, I would say the tutor is concerned. And we are trained to flag any small signs of change within our students. 95% of the time these changes are normal. But some times they do signal something more. For example, staying up into the early hours on phones (a ridiculous amount of students do this with parents who have no idea about it). It doesn't mean bad parenting at all. They become fairly devious a lot of the time at hiding things. Gaming into the night or potentially other things going on. Mental health worries perhaps. Not saying this is the case with your son, but these things do happen a lot in teens, more than most realise. The tutor is concerned. If you are absolutely sure he is getting a good amount of sleep & eating well (both of which can be hidden by some teens) then all is well. But I don't think it's unreasonable for them to flag it. It has taken them time to email you (which teachers really don't have- trust me time to sit and write an email is very scarce!!) - why would they if they had no concerns? I would be glad that they are observant enough to notice changes in your son! :)

Sheepchops · 27/09/2024 19:06

Does ge have his phone in his room? Might go to bed early but is he scrolling all night?

DryBiscuit · 27/09/2024 19:06

She is worried about your child and its made you mad?

The world! Ffs!!

EatTheBastard · 27/09/2024 19:11

No wonder teachers are leaving in droves and recruitment is at an all time low! They are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

Apolloneuro · 27/09/2024 19:17

FFS. Teachers can do no right by some people. You should be bloody grateful that this person took the time out of her busy schedule to show concern and thanking her. How extraordinary to be pissed off by it.

TequilaNights · 27/09/2024 19:19

Why on earth would this piss you off??

Sometimes we miss things because we see things every day, you should be grateful you have a caring teacher looking out for your son!

OhTediosity · 27/09/2024 19:21

I literally cannot fathom hearing a genuine concern from someone who knows your child well and coming to MN to froth about it instead of a) talking to DS to ask how he is feeling and b) considering a GP visit to rule out anything medical. Honestly.

MamOfGirls2 · 27/09/2024 19:24

YABU. They took time out of their day to tell you their concerns. It's your business what you do with that information. Being pissed off and upset is totally unreasonable.

Furthermore, who cares how popular they are. It's not a popularity contest. They are doing their job. The kids need to do theirs and learn. They also need to understand that you'll have to work with people you don't like and suck it up.

herecomesthesunyes · 27/09/2024 19:24

Teacher caring about child’s welfare. Surely that’s a good thing?! I would be checking his phone usage. And thank her for bringing it to your attention. I’m a teacher and I flag kids presenting like that to our pastoral team. Safeguarding concerns. It’s good she noticed, is there a reason you’re so defensive?

housethatbuiltme · 27/09/2024 19:26

I mean I would probably be offended by that call, we are VERY fair Irish skinned with a silver/blue undertone, grey eyes, white blonde hair (though it darks to red around puberty) and if we get cold we literally turn blue. Dark circles under the eyes is something I have always hated but can't control and we are also quite 'gangly' and slim.

We are not 'sick' (but even if we where its no one elses business to question) its just genetics and is common in our heritage. People often say and do stupid things about how pale and pasty we are (people often especially as children touch us out of the blue to 'take or temprature').

Frankly you wouldn't get away with commenting on the skin colour of any other race so why do people think it is ok to do it to us?

And dear god don't anyone jump in offended and say 'you can't be racist to white people' or other default crap we get often when sharing our experience... anyone commenting on things about anyone's looks that they can't/don't want to change or touching people without permission IS ignorant and inexcusable.

It might be one thing to ask, 'I hope Mini nice view is feeling ok he has seemed a little different to usual recently' but its completely different to hammer on about looks, interrogate health, self diagnose and refuse to listen when told your wrong.

HollyKnight · 27/09/2024 19:26

You're probably upset because you see this as a criticism of your parenting. Get over that for a start. You see your son every day so any small changes aren't going to be as obvious to you as they are to someone who only sees him occasionally. The school sees a change in his behaviour. You should listen to them. Get the boy checked out.

butterpuffed · 27/09/2024 19:27

PassingStranger · 27/09/2024 18:26

Exactly, didn't go well for you Op. Hardly anyone agrees with you.😀

Show quote history

Maybe so , but most have done so in an unnecessary patronising way .

DadJoke · 27/09/2024 19:28

Bless her for caring!

Someone saying our baby didn't look quite right (a relative who was a doctor) probably saved her life.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 27/09/2024 19:30

Go and get his bloods tested. Sometimes people outside the family notice changes more easily than those who see them every day. She’s not accusing you of anything.

My daughter had anaemia. She has a good diet but not enough iron was being absorbed. The stuff you get over the counter is useless, only a GP visit and a prescription helped.

saraclara · 27/09/2024 19:32

housethatbuiltme · 27/09/2024 19:26

I mean I would probably be offended by that call, we are VERY fair Irish skinned with a silver/blue undertone, grey eyes, white blonde hair (though it darks to red around puberty) and if we get cold we literally turn blue. Dark circles under the eyes is something I have always hated but can't control and we are also quite 'gangly' and slim.

We are not 'sick' (but even if we where its no one elses business to question) its just genetics and is common in our heritage. People often say and do stupid things about how pale and pasty we are (people often especially as children touch us out of the blue to 'take or temprature').

Frankly you wouldn't get away with commenting on the skin colour of any other race so why do people think it is ok to do it to us?

And dear god don't anyone jump in offended and say 'you can't be racist to white people' or other default crap we get often when sharing our experience... anyone commenting on things about anyone's looks that they can't/don't want to change or touching people without permission IS ignorant and inexcusable.

It might be one thing to ask, 'I hope Mini nice view is feeling ok he has seemed a little different to usual recently' but its completely different to hammer on about looks, interrogate health, self diagnose and refuse to listen when told your wrong.

These tutors know her DC. They know what's normal for him, and this isn't it.
OP herself has said that he's been quieter then usual.

its completely different to hammer on about looks, interrogate health, self diagnose and refuse to listen when told your wrong.

The tutor didn't do any of those things

MayaPinion · 27/09/2024 19:33

Teachers have enough to do. She’s not singling you or your son out for a laugh or to have a go at you. It doesn’t matter if your daughter thinks she’s unpopular. A teacher has noticed your son is not himself and cared enough to get in touch. Great if there’s nothing wrong, but she may have done you a favour if there is a problem.

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 19:34

Teachers are so busy. They really do not bother contacting parents unless they feel they really need to.

Take him to the doctors, check he hasn't got access to any devices overnight.

Toddlerteaplease · 27/09/2024 19:34

I would take this seriously.

DarkDarkNight · 27/09/2024 19:41

She sounds concerned, her not being a ‘well-liked’ teacher is beside the point. She has noticed a change in your son, he may well be anaemic despite eating well.

I wouldn’t be annoyed, but thankful she cares enough to enquire.

Hyperbowl · 27/09/2024 19:46

Sorry OP but a child who gets plenty of sleep like you claim doesn’t have dark circles around their eyes. I’m assuming you wouldn’t have mentioned this detail if your son hasn’t also got them. You need your get your child seen by a GP even if it’s just to have him checked out and for them to sign him off as fine.

However unlikely, if worse case scenario was that your son was ill and you missed it but it had already been flagged by your sons tutor it would be negligent on your part for you to not have him seen because it’s been raised by a teacher you don’t like. If it were raised by another member of staff would you take it more seriously? I don’t understand how any responsible parent wouldn’t at least follow this up. YABVU.

bumpitty · 27/09/2024 19:49

Such a weird attitude.

'My ds tutor has emailed and called with concerns about my ds energy levels and suggested we have his iron levels checked..... she's known for being disliked...'

Weird non sequitur

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