My sons tutor sent me an email to say she’s concerned about him

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I got an email from my sons tutor yesterday saying he “looked tired and pale recently especially in the mornings” and she wanted to check if he’s ok and have we noticed. We haven’t so I emailed back to say he’s in bed by 9:30/9:45 and seems fine to us. He’s had a massive growth spurt over the summer so has stretched further into a tall gangly teenager but then both my husband and I were like beanpoles when we were 14 and I always had dark circles under my eyes. He’s a bit quieter than he was but we put that down to becoming a teenage boy. He’s 14 in a few weeks. I asked her if she could elaborate so she said it was best to talk on the phone as she can’t explain properly via email. She rang me this morning and said she’s noticed for a while now how pale and grey he looks and she asked another teacher who agreed and said he looked gaunt! She said that he’s lost his spark and I should perhaps take him to get his iron tested. I told him he has a healthy appetite and gets to bed on time but she was quite insistent something was wrong with him. I know that this tutor is not liked in the school and his older sister has backed that up. He’s home later tonight as he has football practice so I will sit him down and talk to him. But we find it odd as he seems happy at home and is eating well. From the conversation we had I felt she was trying to insinuate that there are problems at home or something. It’s peed us off quite a bit as my son doesn’t look ill. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset at his tutor?

Christ alive. I bet she wishes she hadn’t bothered. Why are you even mentioning that no one likes her? No wonder we all want to quit.

She’s probably got more experience of 12 year olds than most, I’d take her concerns seriously. No need to be defensive or speculate on her popularity.

Go get his iron checked out, he might have a deficiency. This isn’t about you.

I think if one of my child’s teachers expressed concern about my child’s health, I’d be concerned, grateful to them, and would check their health.

Your response is odd.

Wow, I've read some bizarre stuff on here but being angry that a teacher is concerned about your child's health is taking the biscuit.

🍪

@fallingleavesandhairyknees
Oh my word, can't imagine how stressful that must have been.
You sound like a lovely teacher and a really caring human being. I don't blame you for never wanting to deal with parents again 🙁

Sometimes we lose objectivity when we’re too up close to our loved ones. People on the outside will notice weight loss that we can’t see, for example, because we’re just used to the every day presence of a person.
Take the advice. Get him checked up.

He goes to bed in good time, but does he go to sleep? Does he have his phone/X-box/ iPad in his room and possibly using them until very late?

I think the tutor not being well liked is a red herring.

She is an adult motivated by your ds’s best interests so I would want to investigate her comments further. Particularly as you seem to corroborate her observation about your da being quieter. If she’s wrong, then fantastic.

This kind of thing is exactly why there is a teacher recruitment crisis

I’d get him checked out physically.

Ffs teachers cannot win.

By the way, safeguarding training/guidance has changed slightly this year to emphasise 'early intervention' suggesting teachers should raise any concerns early to try to avoid further development or intervention.

I once called a parent because the child i was supporting was tired, pale and losing weight. During the call the mum burst into tears because she knew there was something wrong but in a strange way hoped if she ignored it, it'd go away. We talked and I persuaded her to take the child to the GP. The wee one had diabetes. From my pov it was an extremely difficult conversation to have but, I'm really glad I did it because the child could have become much sicker if mum had still been too frightened to acknowledge the change. If a professional is calling you to raise concerns it is because they care, not to upset you. We always hope there's nothing untoward going on, we don't go looking to cause upset.

Hmmm...unless you're absolutely certain he's fine, I would be inclined to arrange for your DS to have a general check up. You've noticed he's become quieter and although you say your DS looks similar to you and your DH at the same age, he's changed enough for the teacher to notice. Perhaps he's worried about something, which is why he's quieter and seems to have lost his spark?

Or it could be that the teacher had a personal experience, like a sick child or relative, which means she's more inclined than most to notice small changes and highlight them.

That's horrendous what happened to you @fallingleavesandhairyknees

So she took the time to email and follow up with a phone call? Your response has annoyed me, because as a teacher myself I can tell you she probably had a dozen other things she could have done instead with her time.

It's good she has noticed and let you know. He may well be lacking in some vitamin or mineral or other nutrient. Eating whatever doesn't mean those nutrients are always well absorbed - it depends on the individual and things can interfere with absorption. Maybe he is lacking iron, for example, which can be hard to absorb for some people but can be improved by eating certain foods together.

Take him to the doctor and get a blood test to find out what his iron and vitamin and mineral levels are and get advice from a qualified nutritionist if necessary about boosting and maintaining levels.

In any given secondary school, there are kids with

Diabetes
Autoimmune disease
Eating Disorders
Depression
Autism
Malnutrition
Cancer
Drug use
Epilepsy

or are experiencing

Bullying
Coercive Relationships
Physical, Sexual or Emotional Abuse
Grooming
Domestic violence in the home
Working illegally
Caring for much younger siblings
Caring for relatives
Extreme anxiety and stress from exams
Financial issues
Poor housing
Extreme poverty/benefit issues
Parental addiction

Any of those can and do show up as a kid 'just not being right' or looking pale, drawn and tired, just as staying up to scroll through TikTok or watching films can. Sometimes somebody closer can't discern the tiny changes as much as someone who sees them for an hour a day or a few times a week.

She's not getting at you - she cares for his welfare.

Exactly this.

Maybe up his green veg that contains Iron.

OMG what a wonderful mother you are.

Are you actually serious?

Your son is:

• Paler than usual
• More tired than previously
• Is a lot quieter at home
• Is clearly out of sorts at school (or they wouldn't have rang you!)

What possibly could have been her "agenda" other than concern for him?

It absolutely sounds like a potential iron issue.

The disrespect some people have for teachers never ceased to surprise me.

I've made the exact same phone call home. The parents were equally insistent all was fine and I certainly wasn't insinuating anything untoward was happening, more like he needed a health check. Eventually a few months down the line they noticed it and turned out he was very anaemic.

You want teachers to flag changes of behaviour at school and appearance. You see him all the time you are less likely to notice a difference as it will be gradual.

If the teacher thought there was anything untoward happening they wouldn't have phoned you they would have logged it with the Safeguarding lead.

@fallingleavesandhairyknees

Can't believe they weren't apologetic and incredibly grateful to you.

I would engage with it and try to see if there are any reasons to be concerned.

I wouldn’t start off with a defensive attitude.

I think you are. She has genuine concerns and is doing the right thing by him. You should be thanking her. It takes courage to have these conversations. It is not personal against your family. She is speaking to you because she cares and knows you care too.