My sons tutor sent me an email to say she’s concerned about him

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I got an email from my sons tutor yesterday saying he “looked tired and pale recently especially in the mornings” and she wanted to check if he’s ok and have we noticed. We haven’t so I emailed back to say he’s in bed by 9:30/9:45 and seems fine to us. He’s had a massive growth spurt over the summer so has stretched further into a tall gangly teenager but then both my husband and I were like beanpoles when we were 14 and I always had dark circles under my eyes. He’s a bit quieter than he was but we put that down to becoming a teenage boy. He’s 14 in a few weeks. I asked her if she could elaborate so she said it was best to talk on the phone as she can’t explain properly via email. She rang me this morning and said she’s noticed for a while now how pale and grey he looks and she asked another teacher who agreed and said he looked gaunt! She said that he’s lost his spark and I should perhaps take him to get his iron tested. I told him he has a healthy appetite and gets to bed on time but she was quite insistent something was wrong with him. I know that this tutor is not liked in the school and his older sister has backed that up. He’s home later tonight as he has football practice so I will sit him down and talk to him. But we find it odd as he seems happy at home and is eating well. From the conversation we had I felt she was trying to insinuate that there are problems at home or something. It’s peed us off quite a bit as my son doesn’t look ill. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset at his tutor?

Doesn’t hurt taking him to the GP and get some bloods test, just the normal stuff including iron and vitamin D.

I would have thank the teacher.

Oh my goodness be grateful he has caring adults in his life looking out for him, glad everything is OK but it might not have been. It's everyone's job to look out for kids and I can't quite fathom why you would feel defensive at this enquiry coming from a place of care. Deary me.

Friends son was diagnosed with diabetes aged about 14. He had , in retrospect, showed every classic symptom, but my friend and her husband put it down to teen growth spurt, teen hunger, teen thirst……. It wasn’t until he actually collapsed and was rushed to hospital that they realised he was actually extremely ill.

A blood test takes moments, call your gp and get it done OP, it might be nothing, but do you want to take the risk?

I would certainly speak to him and see if everything is OK. Reiterate things like "you know you can tell me anything".

However, I wouldn't appreciate her armchair diagnosis. And it does sound like something about her manner has rubbed you up the wrong way.

Exactly-what would be her motivation if not genuine concern?

Really common for teen boys to be iron deficient, so get him checked.

Does he leave his phone downstairs at night?

Any additional adult in a child’s life looking out for them is a real bonus in my opinion. What’s the downside of exploring her concerns with a GP? Seems bizarre that you’d be defensive and not appreciative of her concern and the fact she has bothered to contact you.

It won't hurt to have him checked by GP, tell her/him what you have told us, minus the personal remarks about the tutor.

It is probably nothing, they do go through phases when growing up (my son did as did I), but as it has been raised, I think he should be examined and have blood tests. If you don't organise this and something is wrong, however small, imagine how you will feel.

Get on the phone to your GP asap, then you will have done the right thing.

Good luck.

My childhood was spent being terrified my DM would kill herself.

I went to school in the mornings and had lunch at home. I rarely went back in the afternoon as I was so worried about my Mum.

I wish I had someone concerned about me back then. I can't even understand how my Dad had the truant officer after his parents in circa 1938 and they are all over it today but my schooling was ruined by my circumstances back then and it went on for years with no-one giving the tiniest thought to what was going on.

This was early to mid 1970's.

He's a lucky boy. I would get him checked out.

Honestly I am a bit lost as to why people are saying things like ‘this is why there’s a teacher recruitment crisis’ - and I am a teacher.

the OP hasn’t been abusive or rude or abrupt: she’s just quietly felt a bit miffed!

It sounds a reasonable differential and a sensible suggestion. She didn't say it was definitely that.

You’re being oversensitive. If a couple of teachers have noticed he’s not quite himself why not take him to the doctor to get his iron tested?

ill teenagers are wan and out of sorts not growing ones.

I'd be so grateful she took the time to express concern. Sometimes it's misguided but better err on the side of caution. It may not be medical it could be stress, online bullying etc.

I teach preschool and have spent much of the morning drafting a very difficult letter about a child who seems to be very behind developmentally. I am dreading sending it because I know it will be upsetting and we'll have to have a meeting of course. My life would be much easier if I let it slide but I am genuinely concerned for this kid because he is not getting what he needs from us.

Baffling that there's a shortage of teachers.

WTF does kids disliking her have to do with anything?

she's a professional who's come into contact with countless children and has likely seen this sort of thing multiple times. I don't understand why her characters being assassinated. She thinks he might be anemic, she's not accusing you of abuse. Lots of people have an iron deficiency in spite of eating well. You can buy a home test for it from Tesco.

God who'd be a teacher. You can bet she had plenty of her plate that day. but she felt concerned enough to care and contact home in between lessons, looking at their work and whatever they do. Maybe you should too. Take him to the doctor and then you can tell her this. Jeez some people.

There's no harm in getting his iron checked. I understand where you're coming from, though! Often, with our own kids, we are the last to notice.

Then, when it's pointed out, we actually feel that our parenting hasn't been up to scratch because we should have noticed first!

This happens all the time though. Because you see him every day, IF he is paler, it will have come on so gradually, you don't notice it.

My teen DD went anaemic TWICE (heavy periods) and we really had not noticed she was pale. See now, we look at photos of her then and it's like HOW?!!

There is no implied criticism of you here. Just trying to work with you to help your DS.

This isn't about you or your feeling. Thank your lucky stars that she's concerned about your son, what possible harm could it do to get him checked out at the doctors?
I feel so bad for teachers they can't seem to do anything right no wonder so many want to leave.

YABU and odd. Take him to the GP and get an objective medical opinion about if bloods are indicated. Why would you be upset? Do you think teachers have time / energy to be raising things like this maliciously? I’m a GP and about once a year get an anemic child picked up and treated because the teacher / TA had spotted they looked peaky.

YABU to be annoyed.
She is genuinely worried and is right to contact you about that. The fact that another teacher also agreed suggests it's not just her.

Nothing wrong with checking with the GP for any physical cause.
If he is happy at home, there could be something else at school bothering him so again, worth having a chat with him.

I'm a form tutor and have and would ring parents if I was concerned for any reason. Thankfully, the ones I have spoken to have always been appreciative.
As form tutors, we do get to know them really well and most of us think a lot of our tutees and genuinely care for them.

TBH, I'd be annoyed too, especially when u know about his diet and sleep patterns. And teenagers do have growth spurts

It was a teacher that noticed our son loosing weight (he changed for pe ) we never noticed anything have a lot of guilt about that. We took him for blood tests he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.
just because you don’t notice we didn’t either it’s not going to harm him to see a doc and run some tests

That didn’t stop my son being really poorly with anaemia and very low vitamin d which took him months to recover from.