Dh always prioritising our son

[doggdoodle]

We had 2 girls first and Dh was great with the girls but always a bit disappointed as he really wanted a son so wanted to try for a boy and he got his son.
As soon as we knew we were expecting a boy he went out and bought all new expensive stuff for him, something he didn't show so much enthusiasm about with the girls.
Took his scan pic around to proudly show off his boy.
Ever since he was born he was treated differently some examples
Dd1 wanted to play football dh said no as we couldn't afford it.
Ds wants to play football dh (on same salary) finds the money for football.
DD's get shouted at for being too noisy
Ds makes more noise but he's alright he's enjoying himself.
DD's are moaned at for making a mess
Ds makes a mess and is just having fun and we can pick it up later.
DD's cannot do anything right because dh gets annoyed with them, shouts at them and gets impatient.
Ds can't do anything wrong.
When both DD's were born Dh went back to work and I looked after the baby.
When DS was born Dh took a month of work so he could bond with him.
He proudly pushed the pushchair and showed him off.
I end up over compensating to the girls so they don't feel the difference.
I'm starting to feel as if our family is boys v girls because he's always on DS side if there's any squabbles so I try and comfort the girls.

I do point out to dh how he treats them differently and he says how do I? And then denies every example I give.
Sometimes I think it's not going to work out and we should separate but I know that won't change anything for the girls, they'd just be treated unfairly and I wouldn't be there for them when they were I don't think there is an answer.

Yes you divorce.

Your daughters are going to hate him and their toxic family, and will get as far away as possible as soon as they’re able.

Your son will either eventually think his dad is a dick (and responsible for his sisters disliking him) and hate him for it or he’ll grow up to be just as much of a dick.

Get out and save your family. The people that matter in it, not your twat of a H.

Good old-fashioned misogyny.

Ultimately it's up to him how he treats his kids and he will reap what he sows as the girls will notice and distance from him as they get older. It's your job to make sure you treat them all the same which it sounds like you do.

As far as separating it's also down to you to decide if spending more time with you without him will provide a more stable environment for your kids or if staying will cause any damage. Also if it's making you so unhappy you need to leave. Nobody else can tell you whether this is a dealbreaker, decide your boundaries

And don’t waste your time trying to make him see, or justifying why you’re leaving. He’s not interested, he can for won’t see it, and he will continue to shut you down.

Not working for you, bye bye. Concentrate on your children and building a healthy happy childhood for them before their sibling relationships are trashed.

ironically, your son has more to lose here in many ways.

Frankly I'd have one very blunt conversation with your dh, explain that his blatant sexism and favouritism will be damaging to all your children, and that it needed to stop immediately.

Then I'd contradict him, out loud, every time he did it. No little Johnny, sorry but we can't afford football, yes Sarah, you can all make a lovely noise together.

I'd make it absolutely clear I meant business. If he didn't take me seriously and accept how badly he is treating his daughters, I'd leave.

How can you want to be with someone or have any respect for someone who does something so nasty?

Yep, as simple as that.

If you split he won't even pretend to want time with his daughters.

It's either divorce or you get a third party to watch him and point out his horrible mysoginstic behaviour and the emotional trauma he is inflicting on ALL his children and then therapy to work on this if he is willing.

Lots of men are not willing and refuse to be held accountable and do the emotional work to be better people and fathers.

I had two DDs and my DH prioritised the eldest growing up as he didn't want the second one (asked me to abort and I refused). DD2 grew up feeling second best as she became very aware of the preference. I too would try to compensate so that she was less hurt. I wish I'd had the courage and finances to leave him when they were still young as it really affects their mental health.

I know a family where there is the opposite problem. They have 2 boys and a girl and the dad dotes on the girl. The boys get shouted at but he wouldn't dream of shouting at her. Takes her for a coffee for some daddy daughter time every Saturday, never does that with the boys.
I find this kind of behaviour so damaging.
What is his answer when you say 'why can we afford football for X and not for Y?' surely there is no reasonable explanation for that?

I would keep challenging him, but ultimately his feelings are his feelings so all you can focus on is his behaviours and encouraging him to recognise them. He needs to realise how seriously you view this and that you would consider ending the relationship over it.

He is sexist and thinks girls (and women) are lesser to boys and men. Why else would he behave like this?

How old are your children now? Have your daughters noticed the different/unfair treatment that they get in comparison to their brother?

You say that he was great with the girls. Does he treat his daughters worse now than he did before his son was born or did he always treat them like that and it is only obvious now because he so obviously dotes on his son?

If you did split up, would he still want to see the girls and, if so, would they want to go?

I agree with those pp about it being old fashioned blatant misogyny.

And it is so damaging for everyone in the family. Such divisive and ugly behaviour.

I'm assuming he displays this attitude to women in all areas of his life?

Whilst I agree with pp who says you need to call him out loudly every time he displays this favouritism is it really sustainable? I doubt he will change his views and having two totally different approaches to parenting is destructive in itself.

Just to add, if you live separately then your children will have a clear view of how one parent treats them equally and one does not. They won’t spend ALL their time being unequal at home, and they see the consequences of parenting in this way.
by staying, you are condoning the behaviour to your daughters and essentially telling them that this is acceptable. By leaving you give them a place to be without these awful discriminatory practices, and if they choose not to see their dad later on then they have that choice. If you stay they won’t have that.

where does it stop? Does your DS get more money at uni? More pocket money? A house deposit? While your DDs go without?

We had 2 girls and then a boy. DH doesn’t show any favouritism, I knew he wanted a boy with the third (but then I also thought a boy that time would be nice). DH has never treated them any differently and encourages all of their interests and extra curriculars.

If he had showed any favouritism I would have had said he either changes or we split. Yes that won’t help when he has the kids by himself but I imagine the DDs would stop going soon enough. At the moment the girls are learning to accept that behaviour from a man, what are they learning to accept from their future partner? And your Ds is learning that’s how men behave, he’s going to end up the same.

Either split or start loudly contradicting him every time you see it, at least your Dds will see you defending them. But I couldn’t stand to be with someone who treated my children like that.

Taking more time with ds is one thing, but how is your "D"H able to take all these unilateral decisions involving the family budget? Sounds like there's something even more fundamental wrong in your marriage.

Ds is 5 and Dd's are 7 and 8.
He would want to see them all if we split because he doesn't agree that he's doing this.

Is he easily emasculated? In my experience easily emasculated men either adore their sons and don't like their daughters or they adore their daughters but put their sons down constantly as they see them as competition and weak for having normal feelings. Both are really damaging dynamics.

This, we agree everything, DD does a lot of clubs and she’s DH favourite human being but if we had another one we would be fair in everything. They all get it or no-one gets it. He must see the material differences at the very least. If he had decided you guys can afford football for the son I would have said “oh good, I’ll just pay for the girls at the same time too”.

Call him out on it every single time. Does your dd still want to play football ? If dhe does then get her in a club. He doesn't have any excuse since there is money for ds. Can you get his family onboard ?

I think he just assumed ds would play football so was prepared to pay for it but for dd it was a pointless waste of money when she was a girl and he didn't understand her wanting to play.
He might have considered her doing something else but he wouldn't proudly sit in a wet field and watch dd but will for ds.

The football club is a good, clear example of where he's applying a different rule to different children and it's obviously unfair.

Does your DD still want to play football? If so, find her a club to join. I wouldn't tolerate any nonsense from your husband about that. Be clear: we can't treat her differently because she's a girl, that's not fair.

Do the same with specific things, e.g. he shouts at DD for not picking her plate up, you remind him that DS has left his plate too, why is it different? I'd be pointing it out every single time, because your daughters will be feeling the injustice and need to know you see it too.

Ultimately, I wouldn't want to stay with him but I get that splitting up may make things worse for the girls because you won't be there to defend them.

It seems like your DDs have a father who does not love them.

This is not fair on your girls as well as your DS because it will lead to resentment which could cause jealousy. All children must be treated equally, it's equivalent to emotional neglect otherwise.

I know you know that ALL of your children matter, hence the reason you posted, you need to have some serious words with your DP as his behaviour towards his DDs is appalling and will cause deep insecurities in them as they get older.

Wow what a nasty misogynistic ass hole you have there
Why didn't you insist she could fo football

I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

Have you spoken to him about why he doesn't support your daughter with joining a football team? What are his reasons (can't think of any myself with it not being a money issue).

There are plenty of girl football teams in my area with lots of dads at the sidelines supporting their daughters. Would he proudly sit and watch if his son wanted to join a dance club or gymnastics?

He should be treating all his children the same, from what you have mentioned, he must realise he isn't treating all the children fairly.

Even if you divorced your stupid husband would still treat your son differently during time he had them and then you wouldn't be around to compensate to the girls.