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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh always prioritising our son

168 replies

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 10:34

We had 2 girls first and Dh was great with the girls but always a bit disappointed as he really wanted a son so wanted to try for a boy and he got his son.
As soon as we knew we were expecting a boy he went out and bought all new expensive stuff for him, something he didn't show so much enthusiasm about with the girls.
Took his scan pic around to proudly show off his boy.
Ever since he was born he was treated differently some examples
Dd1 wanted to play football dh said no as we couldn't afford it.
Ds wants to play football dh (on same salary) finds the money for football.
DD's get shouted at for being too noisy
Ds makes more noise but he's alright he's enjoying himself.
DD's are moaned at for making a mess
Ds makes a mess and is just having fun and we can pick it up later.
DD's cannot do anything right because dh gets annoyed with them, shouts at them and gets impatient.
Ds can't do anything wrong.
When both DD's were born Dh went back to work and I looked after the baby.
When DS was born Dh took a month of work so he could bond with him.
He proudly pushed the pushchair and showed him off.
I end up over compensating to the girls so they don't feel the difference.
I'm starting to feel as if our family is boys v girls because he's always on DS side if there's any squabbles so I try and comfort the girls.

I do point out to dh how he treats them differently and he says how do I? And then denies every example I give.
Sometimes I think it's not going to work out and we should separate but I know that won't change anything for the girls, they'd just be treated unfairly and I wouldn't be there for them when they were I don't think there is an answer.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/09/2024 15:04

Smartiepants79 · 26/09/2024 14:46

To be honest, we have two girls, if my DH had at any point suggested that we should ‘try for a boy’ then that would have been baby number 3 off the table.
Is there anyone outside the immediate family who could attempt to have a word??

I was going to say this. That level of disappointment re having girls would have meant I decided against trying for no 3 so as to not risk this happening.

sillysausage40 · 26/09/2024 15:05

Sorry wrong post lol

MamOfGirls2 · 26/09/2024 15:07

God, it's not a wonder that girls want to be boys really. You need a dick to be loved and valued, in this society, even by your father.

pikkumyy77 · 26/09/2024 15:12

Tell him you will make it explicit. And he will have to pay the price in their contempt and estrangement.

”No dd you can’t do x”
dd your father doesn’t love you enough to treat you fairly .

Tell him outright: no favoritism. All money is family money. Time with one child must be balanced with time with all children. If there is 100 pounds each child gets 1/3. If daddy has an hour on the weekends he gives that hour to each child in turn.

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 26/09/2024 15:15

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 11:08

I think he just assumed ds would play football so was prepared to pay for it but for dd it was a pointless waste of money when she was a girl and he didn't understand her wanting to play.
He might have considered her doing something else but he wouldn't proudly sit in a wet field and watch dd but will for ds.

Womens Football GIF by UEFA

Has your DH been living under a rock these past few years?

Britinme · 26/09/2024 15:16

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

How about you cut back on something DH or DS enjoys in order to pay for DD's football? And if DH is upset about that, point out why you're doing it.

Dollshousedolly · 26/09/2024 15:17

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

Are you saying that your husband controls the finances too?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 26/09/2024 15:22

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

In which case you have bigger problems, if you can't ever spend family money on your own initiative then you are being financially abused.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/09/2024 15:22

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

um whattt! You don’t have a household pot for the children, so you have to go begging if you want them to do an activity? That to me sounds like financial abuse.

You should discuss as a couple all the children activities and how much you can afford as a family. And of course you can’t just pay for one and not the other.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/09/2024 15:23

Britinme · 26/09/2024 15:16

How about you cut back on something DH or DS enjoys in order to pay for DD's football? And if DH is upset about that, point out why you're doing it.

Yep, cancelling Sky Sports should do it!

Honestly I think you should leave this twerp. At least you’d be able to control your own finances and would qualify for help.

Bestyearever2024 · 26/09/2024 15:26

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

What? Omg! The man is horrible.

Please don't put up with his shit any longer

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/09/2024 15:28

The football is an easy example to prove to him because you just say to him ok so ds can do football right? And dd wants to so given you insist you treat them the same I assume you'll now pay for dds football and attend her matches, just the same as ds, right?

Your children will grow up damaged by favouritism so it's not something you can ignore. It's very easy to say ltb but it's not always easy to do and it's certainly not something that can be done ten minutes after reading ltb on the Internet! But what you can do right now is draw his attention to it the instant he does it. Right then and there. Every time. Text message saying see what you did just then?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/09/2024 15:31

The fact your family finances are set up so that he as the “main earner” can veto any spending says it all!

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2024 15:31

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

I had suspected this was the case from the off. It was the way you just said off- hand detailed he decides the finances as of it was a given.

Op - do the two of you even realise that once children are on the scene which one of you is caring for, that the partner who earns - it isn't 'his' money, it's 'our' money?

NewSchoolYearRevamp · 26/09/2024 15:36

It isn’t as extreme for me but certainly DSs hobbies are talked about and encouraged etc much more so than DDs.
my DD is older and has commented on it. She feels that her dad doesn’t value what she does even though she’s dedicated & she has skill.

NewSchoolYearRevamp · 26/09/2024 15:37

I don’t know how you fix it though. I end up compensating too. We are separated so I don’t have any control over what he says or does.

Jom222 · 26/09/2024 15:40

Reading your post gave me chills. I was the youngest child in a large family, all boys until me. I grew up in an extremely sexist misogynistic family. I remember clearly in grade school, my mother would fry eggs for my brother, I'd ask can I have an egg mom, she'd say no, I'm busy. I'd say but mom you're standing at the stove cooking eggs?? She'd say well your brother plays sports, he needs eggs, you can make yourself cereal. She'd make me walk miles home from school, brother had sports practice across town and had to be picked up. Similar to things you've mentioned, whatever they did was fine, if I did exact same thing I was wrong and punished.

One year I played basketball in school, my mother came to one game late in the season, arrived after I was done playing. I never signed up again, nobody cared and I was left walking home miles in the dark.

I remember teachers noticing my last name, asking me are your brothers x,y, z? I'd say yes and teacher would gaze on me sadly.

One day my mother told me there was something wrong with me, probably bc I was a girl, not a boy, boys don't have these problems, you're making them all up for attention etc etc. My bothers were WILD as kids and teens and I was a quiet bookish girl but I was always on the wrong foot in my family. Brothers became their own little clan I was excluded from. I don't think they meant to exclude me but they were basically shown that was the dynamic and rewarded for it so of course they went along. I don't blame them at all as it was taught not inherent.

Fucking sexism and misogyny are poison, it deeply affected me and still does. I cut my family out of my life when I was an adult. You see the pattern happening and still have time to stop it and show you at least love your kids equally. Please don't fail your daughters like my mother did.

Fastback · 26/09/2024 15:44

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

Sounds like there’s a fuckload more to this that will only strengthen our resolve in telling you to leave this failure of a father…. Why don’t you have access to equal money?!

Jadeleigh196 · 26/09/2024 15:50

What a complete arse hole. Do you have any family or friends who also have noticed the behaviour and he might listen to? As if it isn't hard enough growing up female...

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:52

We have a joint account but Dh puts most of the money in the savings account and just puts over a little at a time into the joint an account for what's needed at the time.
I can't access the savings directly.

He will put more over if I ask but he'll want to know what it's for.
It's not that we don't have money it's just that he likes to have the final say on financial decisions because I think he thinks he's the sensible one but he actually spends money like water.

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 26/09/2024 15:53

Your finances sounds awful. Do you claim the child benefit? Can you put that in an account for you and use it for DD football etc? Do you work and have access to any income?

Bestyearever2024 · 26/09/2024 15:53

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:52

We have a joint account but Dh puts most of the money in the savings account and just puts over a little at a time into the joint an account for what's needed at the time.
I can't access the savings directly.

He will put more over if I ask but he'll want to know what it's for.
It's not that we don't have money it's just that he likes to have the final say on financial decisions because I think he thinks he's the sensible one but he actually spends money like water.

Divorce him

He'll have a fucking shit load of shocks about money, then

Wanker

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2024 15:55

Why do the two of you believe 'he has the final say'?

Do you not consider yourselves equals? Because you are equals.

I would suspect both of you have grown up in misogynistic environments, and know nothing else. You are now, currently, carrying on this horrible cycle for your children.

Break the cycle.

AskZoltar · 26/09/2024 15:56

So he's financially abusive as well as a common or garden misogynist?

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