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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh always prioritising our son

168 replies

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 10:34

We had 2 girls first and Dh was great with the girls but always a bit disappointed as he really wanted a son so wanted to try for a boy and he got his son.
As soon as we knew we were expecting a boy he went out and bought all new expensive stuff for him, something he didn't show so much enthusiasm about with the girls.
Took his scan pic around to proudly show off his boy.
Ever since he was born he was treated differently some examples
Dd1 wanted to play football dh said no as we couldn't afford it.
Ds wants to play football dh (on same salary) finds the money for football.
DD's get shouted at for being too noisy
Ds makes more noise but he's alright he's enjoying himself.
DD's are moaned at for making a mess
Ds makes a mess and is just having fun and we can pick it up later.
DD's cannot do anything right because dh gets annoyed with them, shouts at them and gets impatient.
Ds can't do anything wrong.
When both DD's were born Dh went back to work and I looked after the baby.
When DS was born Dh took a month of work so he could bond with him.
He proudly pushed the pushchair and showed him off.
I end up over compensating to the girls so they don't feel the difference.
I'm starting to feel as if our family is boys v girls because he's always on DS side if there's any squabbles so I try and comfort the girls.

I do point out to dh how he treats them differently and he says how do I? And then denies every example I give.
Sometimes I think it's not going to work out and we should separate but I know that won't change anything for the girls, they'd just be treated unfairly and I wouldn't be there for them when they were I don't think there is an answer.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 26/09/2024 19:03

Do you work @doggdoodle?

Chillimuma · 26/09/2024 19:05

He sounds awful but I don’t think splitting will help. If he has then 50:50 you’re just not around the help balance his bad bits out. I would stay to provide a better example/ structure if you can bear it

Naunet · 26/09/2024 19:11

GingerPirate · 26/09/2024 18:43

Would I dare....

Show quote history

How very brave of you 🙄

ImNotYourMonstera · 26/09/2024 19:19

Chillimuma · 26/09/2024 19:05

He sounds awful but I don’t think splitting will help. If he has then 50:50 you’re just not around the help balance his bad bits out. I would stay to provide a better example/ structure if you can bear it

This means the kids would continue to be abused every day rather than just sometimes.
OP doesn't seem interested in the replies to her thread, anyway.

Maria1979 · 26/09/2024 20:03

This is not normal OP: you are two adults and you should be equals when it comes to financial decisions. Are you sahm? Even so you have the right to decide for your children what could be spent on activities is there anyone you can talk to who is reasonable in his family? I hate to say it but a divorce would give you more agency since you don't dare to contradict his opinions and financial abuse.

Jom222 · 26/09/2024 21:04

AskZoltar · 26/09/2024 15:56

So he's financially abusive as well as a common or garden misogynist?

misogynists tend to be awful in every way don't they?

andthat · 26/09/2024 21:13

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:52

We have a joint account but Dh puts most of the money in the savings account and just puts over a little at a time into the joint an account for what's needed at the time.
I can't access the savings directly.

He will put more over if I ask but he'll want to know what it's for.
It's not that we don't have money it's just that he likes to have the final say on financial decisions because I think he thinks he's the sensible one but he actually spends money like water.

Can you see how controlling this is?

itsmabeline · 26/09/2024 22:11

This level of sexism would make me stop loving my husband and want to divorce him.

itsmabeline · 26/09/2024 22:13

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:14

Dh is the main earner so I don't have the option to just pay for dd to go as well, or I would.

I don't understand. You're married. His money is your money.

You divide the money for activities between the children in a joint manner as you are both their parents.

itsmabeline · 26/09/2024 22:16

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 15:52

We have a joint account but Dh puts most of the money in the savings account and just puts over a little at a time into the joint an account for what's needed at the time.
I can't access the savings directly.

He will put more over if I ask but he'll want to know what it's for.
It's not that we don't have money it's just that he likes to have the final say on financial decisions because I think he thinks he's the sensible one but he actually spends money like water.

Since he is withholding access to the family money form you you need to access it another way - via court.

AvocadoShake · 26/09/2024 22:26

Please say you know how much is in the savings account.

If you don’t, absolutely find that out and get solid proof of it before letting on you might be considering a divorce.

5foot5 · 26/09/2024 22:36

You say you can't access the savings account directly. Is there any way you can get proof of the balance in there so that if /when you divorce him he can't hide it.

Time to get your ducks in a row I think.

5foot5 · 26/09/2024 22:37

AvocadoShake · 26/09/2024 22:26

Please say you know how much is in the savings account.

If you don’t, absolutely find that out and get solid proof of it before letting on you might be considering a divorce.

X post!

Zanatdy · 26/09/2024 22:46

My good friend is in a marriage where she has zero access to her DH’s savings, he started before marriage and has just kept them in his name. She doesnt know how much is in them, just knows its a fair amount. I don't understand how she can live like this, its not a partnership. Like you OP, he is the main (actually only) earner. My friend could get a job again though, her youngest is late primary and eldest secondary and they live 5 mins walk from school. I’d be more concerned about the financial stuff over the sexism, but i’d be ending it personally, i wouldn't be seeing my kids treated like that

PetsPalace · 27/09/2024 01:05

I hope your DS goes off football and your DD grows up to play for England. Find the money Op.
She won't just resent her Dad, she'll realise you didn't stick up for them, take it from someone who knows. If he doesn't change, visiting wont be a priority after they've left home because they weren't one when they lived there.

Katemax82 · 27/09/2024 08:17

My husband is the opposite as we have 4 sons and 1 daughter between us..our daughter is his favourite

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2024 08:26

His behaviour is really damaging to your girls and a bad example to your son, don't stay with him when he can't even see how he's wrong

BiddyPop · 27/09/2024 09:17

So he as the man gets to decide how to spend the money. While you as the woman and mother, need to implement his decisions but cannot make your own.

He sounds utterly charming.

He is failing his DS by not giving him a good grounding, teaching him respect for everyone or giving good boundaries on behaviour.

He is failing his DDs by making unfair demands on their behaviours, reinforcing gender stereotypes rather than allowing individual interests to develop, and not developing the same relationships or show them that their efforts are worth as much as a boys efforts.

He is abusing you by controlling your access to money and ability to make and act on decisions, undermining your views about your joint DCs, and making your job harder because of the lack of expectations and greater expectations of different DCs as well as not giving your DS proper boundaries on behaviour and stoning resentment between the DCs. He is also possibly setting up a dynamic where he is failing your relationship with DS as you have to stick up for DDs (rightly so) but DS will start to feel you don't like him as a result.

And as someone mentioned, he probably expects the little women to run the house and then care for him in retirement and old age, while he continues to do "man things" as he likes.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/09/2024 09:20

Divorce him, for the sake of your daughters.

Personally I would not have agreed to have a third baby in the circumstances.

JHound · 27/09/2024 09:54

doggdoodle · 26/09/2024 10:34

We had 2 girls first and Dh was great with the girls but always a bit disappointed as he really wanted a son so wanted to try for a boy and he got his son.
As soon as we knew we were expecting a boy he went out and bought all new expensive stuff for him, something he didn't show so much enthusiasm about with the girls.
Took his scan pic around to proudly show off his boy.
Ever since he was born he was treated differently some examples
Dd1 wanted to play football dh said no as we couldn't afford it.
Ds wants to play football dh (on same salary) finds the money for football.
DD's get shouted at for being too noisy
Ds makes more noise but he's alright he's enjoying himself.
DD's are moaned at for making a mess
Ds makes a mess and is just having fun and we can pick it up later.
DD's cannot do anything right because dh gets annoyed with them, shouts at them and gets impatient.
Ds can't do anything wrong.
When both DD's were born Dh went back to work and I looked after the baby.
When DS was born Dh took a month of work so he could bond with him.
He proudly pushed the pushchair and showed him off.
I end up over compensating to the girls so they don't feel the difference.
I'm starting to feel as if our family is boys v girls because he's always on DS side if there's any squabbles so I try and comfort the girls.

I do point out to dh how he treats them differently and he says how do I? And then denies every example I give.
Sometimes I think it's not going to work out and we should separate but I know that won't change anything for the girls, they'd just be treated unfairly and I wouldn't be there for them when they were I don't think there is an answer.

Have there been any signs previously of your husband’s chauvinism?

FrangipaniBlue · 27/09/2024 10:33

Your husband is a misogynistic twat - remove your family from the situation.

I can't believe you agreed to "try for a boy" in the first place though, that would've been a big red flag the first time he suggested it and I'd have been out of there right then!

AD12345 · 27/09/2024 10:55

caringcarer · 26/09/2024 12:00

Even if you divorced your stupid husband would still treat your son differently during time he had them and then you wouldn't be around to compensate to the girls.

Once you’re separated and he gets access, he’ll have the three of them together. He won’t have time to pander to just DS. If he does centre everything around DS, your DD’s will see this happens only when they’re with their dad. At least they won’t blame you later.
When you have them and treat them all equally they will see that their dad is being a twat.
You’ll be able to take them all to football. When dh takes just your son to football and the girls have to watch, all your dc’s will question that, including ds.

nOasistickets · 27/09/2024 11:00

Your poor daughters - they're going to grow up hating your husband, and detesting their brother.

ElaineMBenes · 27/09/2024 11:04

I think it's also important to remove your son from this situation.
He's learning how to treat girls and women from his dad and he's not a good example to follow.

Jumpers4goalposts · 27/09/2024 18:02

Sorry but he sounds like an arse. Your DD’s will end up resenting your DS.