Dh always prioritising our son

[doggdoodle]

We had 2 girls first and Dh was great with the girls but always a bit disappointed as he really wanted a son so wanted to try for a boy and he got his son.
As soon as we knew we were expecting a boy he went out and bought all new expensive stuff for him, something he didn't show so much enthusiasm about with the girls.
Took his scan pic around to proudly show off his boy.
Ever since he was born he was treated differently some examples
Dd1 wanted to play football dh said no as we couldn't afford it.
Ds wants to play football dh (on same salary) finds the money for football.
DD's get shouted at for being too noisy
Ds makes more noise but he's alright he's enjoying himself.
DD's are moaned at for making a mess
Ds makes a mess and is just having fun and we can pick it up later.
DD's cannot do anything right because dh gets annoyed with them, shouts at them and gets impatient.
Ds can't do anything wrong.
When both DD's were born Dh went back to work and I looked after the baby.
When DS was born Dh took a month of work so he could bond with him.
He proudly pushed the pushchair and showed him off.
I end up over compensating to the girls so they don't feel the difference.
I'm starting to feel as if our family is boys v girls because he's always on DS side if there's any squabbles so I try and comfort the girls.

I do point out to dh how he treats them differently and he says how do I? And then denies every example I give.
Sometimes I think it's not going to work out and we should separate but I know that won't change anything for the girls, they'd just be treated unfairly and I wouldn't be there for them when they were I don't think there is an answer.

Forgetting the fact that he is at risk of damaging his relationship with them forever, he also needs to think about what this could do to his daughters when they are older and start having relationships. Does he want them dating boys that act like him? that see females as lesser beings that can be treated badly because they are not as worthy as the opposite sex?

He's gross.

Perhaps he needs a spell in the jungle with Jill Scott 🤔

That exactly.

However he is in a different place with your little boy to where he was when your older children were born.

I'm sure he loves his daughters very much and will always do his best for them but you are right to point out how he shows favouritism. Hopefully others who are close to you will notice and do likewise.

Your husband is very lucky that you were prepared to have another child - which could easily have been a girl. Many women would not have been prepared to go through pregnancy again if they had two healthy children and were settled. He needs to show more appreciation for you all. Nevertheless your son is the baby of the family and the baby is always special, regardless of their sex.

I think this can be ironed out, op, but be firm.

Wow, an absolute prize of a man you’ve chosen to have kids with there.

The other benefit of being divorced would be you wouldn’t have to be over compensating for his bad behaviour. This will really damage your relationship with your son, even if it comes from a good place.

Have a serious one-conversation with him without the DC being present. Emphasise how seriously you take this, and point out the damage he is doing to them individually and to your family as it will create problems between the siblings. Ask him why he has sexist attitudes and stress you need him to address it, maybe through counselling. If none of this works, you know what to do. Good luck, OP, you are so right to bring this issue into the light.

How does he treat you? How are household chores split? will he expect the girls to help out but not your son?

Your as bad as he is
By doing nothing you are endorsing it .
Why do you not put your foot down , nothing to stop you enrolling dd in football

But why didn't you step in and say that DD could play football and just take the money out of the account? Do you pull him up in this in front of the girls? Or are your girls seeing that what Daddy (the man) says goes and you have no say ie he is more important?

Your poor daughters.
'Disappointed' with his lovely girls, pfft.

You need to be zero tolerance on this, for the sake of all your children. I'd be saying very firmly to him that the favouritism is clear and it needs to stop. He'll deny, you respond with concrete examples. I would also be making very clear indeed that you will leave if it does not improve rapidly. And be prepared to follow through.

I know this is all very easy to say, but this is so, so, so damaging to your daughters, and also to your son, albeit in a different way.

So your DS is playing football -what activities are your DD’s doing ?

My cousin favoured her boy in the same way and the effects on her girl have been so devastating. The girl is grown up now but spends 95% of her time alone in her room (at a relative's house) in deep depression. Don't underestimate the impact of what your disgusting husband is doing.

I think you need to stand up and support your DD’s. If he gives out to the girls over a mess, just butt in and say, it’s ok girls, you work away, you can tidy up later. Your DH shouts at them, tell the girls that their Dad isn’t being nice and remove them from the situation. Squabbles that the girls are unfairly blamed for - no, girls you weren’t at fault. DS shouldn’t have done that and explain hey.

Have chats with your children about boys and girls being equal. Give them all the same chores. If girls are tidying up, DS joins in too, in an age appropriate way. Make sure you don’t differentiate in any way and make a conscious effort that you aren’t creating a girl/boy divide. DS help tidy your toys, DS bring your dishes to the sink, etc, etc.

Though quite honestly, your DH sounds as if he is being horrible to his daughters and it’s unfair they have to live in that environment.

Urgh your DH sounds awful sorry!

To be honest, we have two girls, if my DH had at any point suggested that we should ‘try for a boy’ then that would have been baby number 3 off the table.
Is there anyone outside the immediate family who could attempt to have a word??

But at least when they were with you they'd be free of it. My XH has a favourite, though it's not because of gender, but same situation one kid can do no wrong, up to the point if that child hurts his siblings they're blamed for it, one child that can never do right our DD, and our other DS who gets blamed a lot, but not as much as DD. DD started noticing it around 7.5 or 8 years old and it has hurt her a lot, she feels like she's always picked on and blamed. I suspect some of it is because DD and I are very close and very similar. We seperated because he's abusive, not specifically over this, but at least now it's a much smaller part of their lives. I'm trying in my time and with the help of a psychologist to undo the harm he's done to all our children by favouring DS. It's harmed the relationship between the siblings, its made DS behaviour worse, given him a sense of entitlement and its hurt the self esteem of DD and our other DS and harmed the relationship with their dad. He wouldn't even do some of these, he wouldn't give DS things he couldn't afford to give all 3, it's less obvious than this but still a massive and very damaging situation for all the children involved.

Yes that won’t help when he has the kids by himself but I imagine the DDs would stop going soon enough.

Not necessarily. Quite often, children who are treated like dirt by a parent desperately crave their approval. They blame themselves for "not being good enough", rather than blame the parent for not appreciating them.

I was in this position as the older DD who my dad preferred. My mum compensated by treating my sister preferentially and as a result I didn't feel my mum loved me. My dad was a nasty piece of work so I felt completely abandoned.
My advice is to treat the two children the same and as they get older try to explain the situation to them kindly.

This. I was going to ask the same question. I hope your dds have hobbies too. Eight is not too late to take up football.

That's pretty blatant misogyny. Who the fuck thinks girls can't play football in this day and age? The fact that you didn't say we're signing up DD too when DS got signed up is a worrying sign, because that really would be what most people would do in this situation. There's more wrong here than the blatant sexist favouritism.

This is why people with strong gender preferences shouldn't have children. It's selfish. If they have children of the "desired" gender, they spoil them. If they have children of the "wrong" gender, they emotionally abuse them. And if they have both, it's an absolute shitshow.

I'd have exactly one conversation asking him to get therapy to see the harm to all 3 children. If he says no I'd get my kids and go. This is actually abusive to the son he favors as well. Your daughters will grow up feeling less than and your son guilt ridden for being his world. It will also ruin any relationship the siblings have together.

Oh
My
God

What a twat

You must point out what he's doing IRT and loudly and in front of the children

He has to be made to see what he's doing

If he then continues to do it, knowing what hes doing....LTB

Sounds like a right dick. Girls can play football as well. One of the players from the women's England team is from my home town. When she first started there was no girls teams. So she played with the boys. The coach said she was better than the boys. She wouldn't be where she is today without the support of her parents.

Thanks everyone. Your words really help.
I'm just driving myself mad wondering if it was my fault for snapping back and tracking my breaking point. I'm over thinking every single detail xx