To be frustrated when people make assumptions about your lifestyle based on your appearance?

[ShadeMuse]

I’ve noticed that people often make assumptions about my lifestyle or financial situation based on my appearance, and it annoys me. I feel like they’re judging me without knowing my actual circumstances. AIBU to be upset by these assumptions and to expect people to avoid making judgements based on looks?

It depends if someone has been rude to you then YANBU to be upset but YABU to be annoyed about people making judgments.

I don't believe you didn't have the time to get dressed.

What you describe isn't really enough detail and just suggests "well-groomed" to me, which is an image that many professionals like to present, so I'm not quite sure what you mean. I mean, if you're very obviously orangey fake-tanned with obvious hair extensions, and unnatural looking fake eye lashes, eyebrows and lips, with lots of contouring and thick makeup, very long fake nails, Turkey teeth, then yes, I can see why people might think you might be a bit like a Love Island contestant and not have much to offer beyond your appearance.

But there's nothing wrong with a light fake tan, highlights and good hair cut, manicured nails, well done subtle make up to enhance your features, is there? I mean that just suggests "well-groomed, cares for appearance, wants to make a good impression". Rather than the desperate generic and fake-looking Love Islander look whose focus you assume is just on their appearance.

@ShadeMuse
I'm interested in your perception of this, what do you think people are thinking about you?
Are they verbalising it?
Do they think you are fancy? Snobby?
Do they think you are lower than them?
Is this in everyday interaction?
Details would make this clearer

OP are you in any way related to the person on Site Stuff who is triggered by friendly long-standing chat on various threads? If not you two should get together!

Of course people make assumptions based on how you present yourself and how you look.

Sometimes this is unfair at every level ie statistically not backed up by evidence, for example thinking that someone with blond hair must have a low IQ.

Sometimes it is fair on a population level but unfair to the individual, typically where the feature leading to judgment is not controllable, such as my tendency to be more cautious around unknown men than women because I perceive men more likely to be a threat. Statistically valid, but I understand why it can feel hurtful to individual men who wish me no harm.

Sometimes it’s fair at the population and individual level because it’s an entirely controllable feature that is also statistically correlated with some character trait (even if in a particular instance the character trait is not present), for example thinking that a person who consistently dresses very provocatively probably doesn’t hold conservative religious beliefs.

If you dress in a way that consistently causes people to make assumptions about you, either accept that’s just how it is and ignore it, or change the way you dress. I dress quite boring and conservative, people assume I’m a bit boring and conservative 🤷‍♀️. If you happen to look a way that causes assumptions but it’s something out of your control then your frustration is much more understandable.

Obviously there’s no personal presentation that justifies violence, harassment, lack of basic respect etc.

Depends what you mean:

If you wear expensive power suits, loubutins and drive a lambo but are mad people mistake you for a 'well off successful career woman' instead of an 'poor struggling single mam in crippling debt' then YABU to put yourself in that position.

If you mean you are sick of people thinking your a terrorist based or race/religion/skin colour or uneducated because of your accent etc... then YANBU because its their prejudiced coming out.

And why not? If it walks like a duck and 'talks' like a duck - surely?

Never met a conventionally well-dressed female social sciences lecturer.
Never met a left-wing person in a sharp suit. I mean, a real left-winger, not a barrister posing as one.
Never met a communist in Louboutin stilettoes. The list goes on.

People make snap judgments. Everyone.
They can then question and test that a bit, but you can't stop.

I guess it depends if it’s having a lasting negative impact on you or is based on lazy offensive stereotypes. Say if you’re a hijabi woman and people make assumptions about your views or assume you’re oppressed or if you’re being treated unfairly because of your gender/sexuality etc. We all make judgements based on our own unconscious biases. It’s about whether we go with these judgements or interrogate them. You can’t control how other people view you but you can challenge discrimination

Dunno really. I mean, I'm quite scruffy and also quite poor (and therefore often to be seen doing poor-person things in poor-person environments), but I sound quite posh (and, I suppose, quite intelligent). People often talk down to me and then treat me totally differently the second I've opened my mouth. You can see the confusion on their faces as they realize they've "miscategorized" me (in their minds. I don't think it's OK to talk down to people based on appearance etc but they seem to). And I find it hilarious and get a kick out of it every time. I suppose it's just a matter of personality really; you can't help how these things make you feel. I'm just sort of bloody-minded by nature and have never given a monkey's what others think of me (as a kid / teen was never influenced by peer pressure etc and it's the same now). I'm baffled by why anyone would care if strangers (who are clearly bigoted anyway) are "judging" them. But we are what the fates made us.

It's one of those things where you feel what you feel and YANBU in that, but you'll be happier if you can accept that in all walks of life, there are idiots, and they're not going away. It's like crappy drivers or anything else; they will always be there, so be alert but also try not to let them bug you. I guess. But maybe that's easier said than done - for some people, anyway.

You are probably overthinking it because in reality nobody gives a shi...

I don't care. I have brightly coloured hair, tattoos, piercings and look scruffy when not in work stuff. I probably get judged. I'm an intelligent and capable with a responsible job and lead a very boring life. I'm too old (40s) to care.

People have the right to make assumptions. You have the right not to care.

When I say scruffy, I mean my general dress sense. I'm clean and have clean clothes on.

This made me laugh so much …

No I don’t have the fake love island look people are just always very surprised when I tell them my profession/qualifications.

They treat me very differently when they first meet me vs when they know my job role and often comment about how surprised they are.

I am polite and not too loud or quiet and so the only thing it can be is because I look young and I do my hair and make up etc.

I guess if the assumptions are negative then it's not great. Most days I look absolutely dreadful, because that's how I feel. I imagine when people see me they think I'm depressed, poor, sad, unkempt, etc and they wouldn't be wrong.

When I can manage to make an effort I would hope people see me in at least a neutral way, if not slightly positive. But who knows?

It's not like you can force people to think you look like a successful genius 24/7. Unless you're very into cultivating your appearance. Even a supermodel looks like shite some of the time!

I like to call them the nose wrinklers because they always seem to wrinkle their noses when they tilt their heads to the side! Bless😂

My oldest friend is an artist. Always wears dirty looking paint clothes on work days and less paint spattered clothes on non work days. She’s one of the most educated and erudite people I’ve ever met. She drives around in a landrover and lives in a lovely big suburban house but is forever being followed around shops by security (even on her non work days) or even refused entry to shops to buy her lunch because they assume
shes homeless or on the rob. Not many homeless people wear clothes covered in brightly coloured paint, its obvious she’s been painting and if she were a man they’d just think it was a workie on a lunch break and leave him be (we have seen this happen).

I think women who don’t fit societies ideals of femininity or acceptable womanhood get a harder time being judged and it’s awful for people like my friend just trying to earn a living or buy a boots meal deal. I admire her not changing to fit in though.

A fairly new friend who I had never discussed holidays with , asked if I would be interested in a group camping trip, when DS was in reception. I'm pretty sure she could infer from how I looked that there would be a high chance I'd be up for camping (we do go camping!) .....as opposed to several people who would rather eat their own arm than go camping!

Also to add, I don't think my appearance makes me a rebel, edgy or cool. My lifestyle is generally very conformist. I do like heavy music but don't define myself by it. I work for the MoJ and am a cog in the justice system which is the ultimate conformity.

@ShadeMuse it’s impossible to say if YABU or not here as you don’t give any context or examples.

I didn't realise until I joined MN that going out with wet hair could infer I'm having a MH crisis or have a chaotic homelife! It's literally never crossed my mind, I often go out with wet hair because I'm low maintenance, I usually think the same about anyone else, or that they've just been to the gym or had a swim!
One friend who was generally quite low maintenance like me, told me once, when her DC were all pre-school age that if she was wearing make up it meant she was probably having a shit day, but putting make up on sort of masked that.