What is a reasonable consequence for this behaviour?

[Mamabear04]

DP picks DD up from school, she's a month shy of 5 years old. It's cold and she comes out with no jumper or jacket on. DP says she needs to put at least one on for the walk home. DD screams in an all out tantrum, throws bag on the ground, goes to kick the bag but kicks DP hand instead then continues with meltdown. Toddler is screaming now in buggy and DP speaks quietly but firmly, helps her on with jacket and then gets both kids home. DP works from home and has gone back to work (into a meeting). What would you give is a consequence to this behaviour? For context DD was upset about having to put on jacket/jumper but also because DP picked her up and not me (I'm having problems with my asthma and he took a break from work to help me get a rest as I've been looking after our sick toddler all day). I feel so incredibly embarrassed that the whole school saw how she behaved.

Probably no treats for rest of the week. Or that day, depending on your routine.

Surely the reasonable thing to do in this scenario is let your dc decide when they’re cold enough to put in their coat or jumper. End of a busy day at school… she probably was warm and over stimulated. It’s September, not darkest January. (I’m in Scotland fwiw)
I’d take it as a moment to learn from personally. Not a moment to punish a little 5 year old. Poor toot.

Christ.
The consequence for my kids would be being cold. Job done.
I feel sorry for this little girl.

I’m gonna buck the trend and say she is wrong and is old enough that she should have done as her dad said. Yes she was tired but she did behave badly and kicked him. No massive punishment, I would talk to her about her behaviour make sure she knows she was in the wrong and make her apologise (give her dad a cuddle or something)

It’s too late, as she’s probably gone to bed, but I do think she could have said sorry to daddy for kicking him, even accidentally.

In future, I think offering a choice works quite well ie “Are you putting your coat or your cardigan on?”

I agree with this completely. Check she’s OK as it’s quite a big reaction, also make sure nothings bothering her since she’s just started reception and may be struggling with the transition.

Next time natural consequences. If she doesn’t want to wear a coat then she goes cold until she does.

Why do people use the word "consequence" when they actually mean "punishment"? Do they think it makes them sound more enlightened? Of course, it's often good for children to understand the natural consequences of their decisions, e.g. if you don't wear a coat you will be cold. But no parents (I hope) would be willing to use only natural consequences, since that could involve serious danger (if you run into the road the natural consequence may be that you are hit by a car). Logical consequences can make sense too, as when a child dawdles while getting ready for bed so there isn't enough time for a second story or whatever.

But taking away a toy or not allowing a child to watch TV for having a tantrum is not a consequence in any sense. It's a punishment. Many parents are still stuck in the old-fashioned punishment/reward style of raising children. But it isn't really necessary to punish children at all. There are other methods.

You used the word 'meltdown' @Mamabear04 - is she neuro divergent? Or was it actually just a regular old tantrum? My reaction would differ as with one she'd be more able to regulate her response plus punishment would maybe mean something to her/lessen the likelihood of it happening again, but for an ND kid would be utterly irrelevant. Imo.

At the very least she needs to apologise to dad for kicking him!

I think this is the best way to handle it.

No point in fighting over coats! She will know when she feels cold. My youngest wore his coat little Red Riding Hood style throughout primary. I'd long given up by then. All three steadfastly refused to wear the school coat from 11-18. TBF very few of them did.

The bugs won't get her because of being cold!

I think DP dealt with it very well and got her to put on her coat.

Spot on @Tittat50 👌

You don't have to be authoritarian to indicate a behaviour is unwanted.

And guidance with compassion will always create leadership which is when you really get compliant behaviour being given willingly, instead of resentfully until you can't command them anymore.

You are 'apparently' a teacher (I assume of infant/primary age school as you mention dressing them in coats) yet you seemingly have no concept of age appropriate behavior required to be a teacher and are online aggressively swearing and criticizing parents.

I call OBVIOUS bull on your claim, teachers know forums aren't all that anonymous.

I would do exactly the same. With a warning that if she does it again, she'd not get her iPad/favourite toy/etc. that afternoon. But the consequence needs to be right after the event, not eg. the next day. She won't connect the dots yet.

I don't think starting to teach her about emotions is something that should be done this evening in the aftermath of an argument. It should be an ongoing conversation over her whole childhood. She will likely be feeling embarrassed, her parents are still annoyed and she's clearly tired and overwhelmed. It's not the right moment.

Plus, if your idea of teaching about emotions is to call her "silly" and "a big baby" then it's probably best to leave it out entirely.

Bullshit.

Learning to express feelings in a healthy way is so important for future mental health. She needs to learn the skills to express feeling tired/out of control, etc. by using her words, but (even for adults!) this is really hard. Especially when we’re tired and/or have just started a new job! When I’m tired or stressed or worried or adapting to a new job, I am likely to hold it in all day and then I might be grumpy and irritable with my partner when I get home. If he called me a “silly baby” I would feel worse and also hate him! If he said to me that he understood that I was tired after a big day and stressed after a new job I would feel heard and better. Then if he later (when I was calmer) said to me that it upset him when I was grumpy with him and could we figure out a way for us to manage (as a team!) what to do when I’ve had a bad day without me taking it out on him, I would be up for having that conversation. Kids are like adults except they are less able to manage their emotions and need more help!

If you say that letting emotions out is being a “silly baby” then the risk is you shame and silence kids. The feelings will still be there but they will be pushed away somewhere and pop up in some other (less healthy) way. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have boundaries; but I think the trick is to work with you kid to help them to develop the skills; be on the same team.

Yes, we're all entitled to opinions - doesn't mean they're right though does it?!

I do think behaviour is deteriorating but I don't think this is an incident to come in heavy on. I quoted another poster who suggested a bedtime chat about it, and I feel that that is the way to go. I'm not a permissive parent at all; my kids are in their 20s.

You don't know much about 4/5 year olds, do you?!

I disagree with the consensus here. She is old enough to understand consequences and the consequence here is that we discuss listening to her parents and not throwing a tantrum when we dont get our way. Stop giving so many excuses for why the child acted up, the point is that the way she is acted was unacceptable and she needs to do better.

How would you feel if you expressed a feeling (with a raised voice or with tears) and were told you were acting like a baby?

And, for what it’s worth, babies (and children) who proximity seek are doing a great job at being babies! The babies we need to worry about are those who feel distress and don’t express it and don’t seek closeness with a caregiver.

I would be explaining that I am very disappointed in the behaviour and it is not acceptable. Nip it in the bud. Let her know that throwing tantrums is not how to get your own way and kicking is incredibly bad behaviour and any repeat performances will have consequences.

Under 10c isn’t cold to a child running around and if they look cold 5 mins later the coat can be offered again.

Can have cuddles again once apologised and behaving nicely, using her WORDS rather than hollering.

If dad tells her off and then she is allowed to run to mummy who will say nasty daddy there there, you undo his good work. Parents need to be on the same page.

Your partner has already dealt with it at the time appropriately - for a 5 year old trying to rehash something so much later is pointless.