What is a reasonable consequence for this behaviour?

[Mamabear04]

DP picks DD up from school, she's a month shy of 5 years old. It's cold and she comes out with no jumper or jacket on. DP says she needs to put at least one on for the walk home. DD screams in an all out tantrum, throws bag on the ground, goes to kick the bag but kicks DP hand instead then continues with meltdown. Toddler is screaming now in buggy and DP speaks quietly but firmly, helps her on with jacket and then gets both kids home. DP works from home and has gone back to work (into a meeting). What would you give is a consequence to this behaviour? For context DD was upset about having to put on jacket/jumper but also because DP picked her up and not me (I'm having problems with my asthma and he took a break from work to help me get a rest as I've been looking after our sick toddler all day). I feel so incredibly embarrassed that the whole school saw how she behaved.

She kicked her Dad's hand by accident though?

It says in the OP that she'd meant to kick her bag, but got her Dad instead. It reads like it was an accident.

It's not to let this slide - but it was her dad, not another child or something. He's perfectly capable of issuing consequences and managing behaviour.

Wow, well done

To be clear, GP said that getting cold and wet is thought to lower your immune system so you’re more likely to become ill if you pick up a virus. It was too obviously linked to have been a coincidence - so yes, I changed my approach after that not-so-lovely time.

This. I probably wouldn't have made her wear the coat - unless it was raining and I'd end up having to try to dry the uniform. And in that situation I'd explain calmly why she must wear it.

There's no point in punishment as others have said, unless it's done there and then. She didn't get her own way and had to wear the coat. Once she was calm, had a snack and was regulated again I'd be talking to her about what happened, explaining why daddy wanted her to wear the coat, and ask her if she'd like to make something to say she's sorry for how her behaviour made daddy feel.

At that age and stage of development you deal with misbehaviour right then and there, not at a later time. Once it is dealt with you move on. Children learn from repetition so be consistent and deal with each behaviour as a separate incident and allow her to learn that throwing a tantrum is not going to help her get what she wants.

I think you need to pick your battles…..a child who has behaved all day in school and is tired…..having a meltdown …and tbh it could likely have been avoided if DP didn’t insist on the coat wearing……one of my GDs is 5 ….she often refuses to put on her coat after school, even in winter ……I figure if she’s cold she will ask for it…..she’s not stupid……the .DP handled it at the time…..once she’s home it’s done…..time to move on…..reward the good behaviour from now on at pick up time

If she didn't feel she needed a coat or jumper why make her and then tell her off for it..
I wouldn't feel the need for a coat in September either.
No consequence needed

I would make her sit on a naughty step or corner for 5 minutes and explain she is there because violence and screaming is not appropriate. Put her back there and restart the timer every time she moves. Be persistent and at the end ask her if she understands why she was put there, to apologise to you both, then cuddle and tell her you love her.

Remove devices

Ah, she ll grow out of it, and life is too short to force coats on kids

I wouldn't do anything further. You shouldn't punish children for being upset. She's obviously had a bad time of it already because she's been pushed into something she wasn't comfortable with. Whether you think she's reasonable or not, those were still very intense feelings for her.

My consequence would have been to say, ok don't wear it and see how you feel when you get cold. She obviously wasn't in any serious discomfort or she'd have wanted to put a jumper on. Kids run hot so they often don't need to be as bundled up as adults do.

Pick your battles and also let them experience natural consequences is my advice.

I don’t tho that’s what the poster meant. The question asking if she knew who was picking her up is quite relevant as meeting the unknown can unsettle young children. They’re expecting mum but dad comes is one of those thing. In a morning I would always telly my children who was collecting them if it wasn’t the usual person. If something had happened during the day I’d call school and ask them to let DX know there was a chance of plan. No one is suggesting the child dictates who collects them.

She is five. Let her be five & reduce your expectations to that level.

First off. Kids kick off no reason for anyone to be embarrassed.

At 5 I'd have attempted to tell her if she won't wear her coat or jumper she's a big girl and can carry them she'd soon be fed up or cold.

I think at 5 she's to young for delayed consequence, any punishment should have been if not delivered in the moment communicated then. I'd go talk to her when she's calm, explain you understand sometimes she feels frustrated or angry or disappointed and it's OK. She can be grumpy sometimes. What she can't be is physical and she hurt DP, how does she think they feel? Ask her some Qns to get her to reflect on the impact her actions caused.

If it were me I'd tell her in our family no feeling is an excuse to hurt someone so if it happens again you'll take a toy/privilege off her because she's a big enough girl to understand we don't use our hands or feet to others in the family. Ask if she understands, cuddle her and send her to talk to and apologise to DP

My youngest did this once outside pre-school. Had a blazing meltdown over wearing his jacket. Kicking out and screaming. I parked my arse on the wall and sat and watched him. He was perfectly safe, I wasn’t prepared to engage with him with that carry on going on and a meltdown never hurt anyone so I waited until he was done. I asked calmly if he was finished and if he wanted his coat because it was cold and I didn’t want him to get cold. He said he was finished but refused the coat so we started walking home. He was shivering all the way home, coat was offered multiple times and refused. Dug his heels in until we got to the front door and told his dad he was cold when he got in. DH told him he must do as he’s told next time and wear his coat if mummy asks because mummy loves him very much and doesn’t want him to be cold. Never had an issue from that day on. He’s now 10, still doesn’t wear a coat out of choice but always tells me he will take a coat just in case he gets cold because he knows I wouldn’t want him being cold because I love him very much. We nickname him Elsa because the cold never bothers the beggar.

Is she still screaming & hollering? Yes a few minutes on the naughty seat to calm down.
No a drink a snack & a very gentle chat about why were you so upset (it might be she just had a meltdown because she really wanted mummy to pick her up) let her explain calmly the say ok let’s forget about it now; but daddy & I really don’t want you to behave like that again it makes us upset too x the give her a big cuddle xx

You are being OTT about your embarrassment - you weren’t even there! This is normal behaviour for a 5-year-old. Some battles are worth having, others are not. Your DH shouldn’t have insisted on the jacket, the consequence would have been she got cold and probably asked for her coat back 5 minutes later or at the very least learn that it’s best to keep her coat on or she will get cold next time. If you punish this you will never stop punishing, you will just make it difficult for all the family. They do grow out of this.

She’s 4 and she’s just had one of the biggest changes in her entire life. A Cuddle and a chat about how that could have gone better is plenty consequence. From your husband since you weren’t involved and don’t need to be if he is a competent parent.

Your embarrassment about what ‘other people’ think is on you. Projecting that onto a 4 year old is not healthy.

It’s done with now. When my child refuses to wear one I just remind her it’s cold and that she can put it on if she decides too. They need to learn natural consequences e.g being cold due to wearing no coat. The whole thing could have been avoided

Why not just say coldly and firmly: 'Behave yourself, DD!' And walk on.

Why would she need a consequence? If your daughter was cold Im sure she would have put a coat or jumper on. She got upset. Young kids can't can't verbalise their feelings they tend to act them out. They don't understand big feelings but definitely feel them and are confused by them.
Sounds like she was frustrated because she didn't want to put anything on, this is prime time to learn and teach communication skills. Emotional intelligence needs to be taught.

Also, you need to deal with your own reaction. If you're frustrated/embarrassed. Is fair that you should you get a consequence?

I can't see that she did anything wrong or that horrible that she requires 'a consequence '. She's just being a regular 5 year old.

More importantly, i think the questions are,

Why are you bothered that other people witnessed this?

Why are you not satisfied with DH's handling of the situation?

You need to think about this, OP.

Natural consequences are better. No fighting over the coat, she doesn’t put it on, she gets cold. Situation avoided.

Once you are all calm, then just have a conversation with her about remembering that if a parent tells her to do something then she has to do it without a fuss. Your DH didn’t give in so she has already learned that tantrums don’t get her her own way over this.

However going forward, perhaps only insist on a coat if it is chucking it down with rain - that’s what I do with my children. They won’t get frostbite in the UK so even if I think it’s cold enough for a coat I will only suggest it and not insist on it. Mine both wear shorts all year round as well, but they seem used to it!