What is a reasonable consequence for this behaviour?

[Mamabear04]

DP picks DD up from school, she's a month shy of 5 years old. It's cold and she comes out with no jumper or jacket on. DP says she needs to put at least one on for the walk home. DD screams in an all out tantrum, throws bag on the ground, goes to kick the bag but kicks DP hand instead then continues with meltdown. Toddler is screaming now in buggy and DP speaks quietly but firmly, helps her on with jacket and then gets both kids home. DP works from home and has gone back to work (into a meeting). What would you give is a consequence to this behaviour? For context DD was upset about having to put on jacket/jumper but also because DP picked her up and not me (I'm having problems with my asthma and he took a break from work to help me get a rest as I've been looking after our sick toddler all day). I feel so incredibly embarrassed that the whole school saw how she behaved.

But there's no question of OP undermining the father like that. She's not saying nasty daddy or anything like it, that's an invented scenario of your own.

There's no need for OP to get involved after the event. Daddy was doing the parenting and dealt with the tantrum at the time.

I think it's more undermining to act like he's not capable of managing a tantrum and she needs to step in afterwards.

I'd consider it dealt with.

I wouldn't make a child wear a coat I'd carry it and if they get cold they can wear it.

Consequences work better at the time. I really wouldn't bother. If it becomes a problem you could oook at a reward/incentive for positive behaviour

I got home from work yesterday and I was tired, starving hungry and cold. I had a little personal tantrum and went for a lie down whilst my very understanding DH made dinner.

Immediately after the school day in primary (especially reception) is not the time to have a battle about anything. It's time to have a drink, a hug, a snack if needed and decompress.

Maybe over dinner later you could talk about ' walking out of school nicely without making a fuss', and I'm all for polite, well-behaved kids... but this isn't a hill to die on.

Looks like you're punishing a 5yo because she's 'embarrassed' you, not for any other reason.

The first half term is really tough for little kids, not having the parent she expected pick her up and her Dad needlessly nagging to put a layer on when she didn't want to of course pushed her over the edge.

Are you always so punitive?

FWIW my kid is the same age and also has tantrums many days when I pick him up - he's just so tired after a day of (our country's equivalent of) Reception, and of trying to obey all the rules which are stricter than those of preschool. And so do other people's kids (or they melt down in the morning on the way). Agree with others that it sounds like your DP dealt with it absolutely fine. No need to have any further punishment. Just praise her if she doesn't make a fuss. I once even made a chart where my kid could get a star for doing certain things without a fuss (enough stars got him a trip to a soft play he really wanted to visit) and it was a way better corrective to behaviour to praise good behaviour when he was calm rather than punishing him when he was already tired and kicking off.

I totally agree with previous posters. She doesn't need any consequences. She is little and still learning how to manage her emotions. By all means chat to her about it but a consequence really wouldn't help.

You cannot just let that behaviour lie. We all have to learn that sometimes we need to do as asked and not what we want.
Talk to her about it. Ask her ehat happened and why she got so upset. She needs to realise she upset daddy, she upset her sibling and other people saw her. You need to explore with her how she feels about it in reflection? What would she do differently next time. She is young not stupid.

Well done yoyr DH for standing his grounds. It is cold at the moment, coats aren't an option even for a head strong 4 yo.

Talk to her about it, don't punish her! And I'd further suggest, if the OP hasn't talked to her tonight, then let it go.

So what if it's cold? She can put the coat on when she feels it. Not worth a battle!

Nope. Wrong again. Never called her silly or a big baby. Read my post.

Nope. Said she risks looking like a silly baby not that she is one.

I do. I had one. And he would be spoken to if he ever threw a tantrum and told that is not a good way of communicating his feelings. Hitting people is not good.

Do you have other thoughts, ideas, responses to my post?

Edited- I’ve just realised you’re saying that you wouldn’t call her a “silly baby” so that is great!

I suppose my point is that we know that it’s not okay to shame other adults for being emotional by suggesting they would be “silly”; so I find it so confusing that we would say that to young kids whose brains are still developing and who are just learning emotional regulation skills!

I agree with you here. I suppose I would try to help a child to regulate their emotions at the time and then go back and problem solve for the next time what they could try instead of hitting! And then offer opportunities (when not tired and worn out) to practise this.

I’m hoping it’s not just me who gets really grumpy and irritable with my partner when I am stressed or exhausted! I always think what he does and says which helps me at those times and what doesn’t, like if he empathises, asks me what I need, makes me laugh, lets me eat or sleep! And also then puts in his boundaries and we figure out a solution together

I don't disagree with your post, just your interpretation of my comments.

I think we do need to teach children (and often adults) appropriate ways of expressing emotion. Nothing wrong with that.

I've had three.

Poor little mite.

Has she got additional needs?

Consequences need to be more immediate in order to be effective at that age. The consequence was she put her jacket on in this scenario, despite not wanting to. It's done now.

GP told me that was how he became ill. And he started shivering not long afterwards - so pretty clear to me!

Reward a tantrum?

What a refreshingly sensible attitude to childrearing
Thank you!!

OP - I'd suggest looking post school restraint collapse. It really helped me when my kids were in Reception. Explained a lot of their behaviour.

The tantrum was outside school with her dad. Who dealt with it, got her coat on and brought everyone home safe.

It was on dad at the time to manage her and give consequences. If he said "no treats" then op should support him, but she doesn't need to weigh in otherwise. Let him parent.

She's four. It makes no sense to draw it out into a bigger deal after the event.

Why would you feel the need to punish a four year old for this?

Surely the answer is dad carries her jacket and she puts it on when she's cold? No need for all the drama and the hysterics.

Genuinely surprised by the number of people who claim that they’d just let this slide. She kicked her father’s hand. The least that needs to be done is to talk to her about this and that she caused hurt. You wouldn’t accept this behaviour if aimed at another child so why accept it when it’s aimed at an adult?