Page 12 | What is a reasonable consequence for this behaviour?

Mamabear04 · 2024-09-25T14:45:27+00:00

DP picks DD up from school, she's a month shy of 5 years old. It's cold and she comes out with no jumper or jacket on. DP says she needs to put at least one on for the walk home. DD screams in an all out tantrum, throws bag on the ground, goes to kick the bag but kicks DP hand instead then continues with meltdown. Toddler is screaming now in buggy and DP speaks quietly but firmly, helps her on with jacket and then gets both kids home. DP works from home and has gone back to work (into a meeting). What would you give is a consequence to this behaviour? For context DD was upset about having to put on jacket/jumper but also because DP picked her up and not me (I'm having problems with my asthma and he took a break from work to help me get a rest as I've been looking after our sick toddler all day). I feel so incredibly embarrassed that the whole school saw how she behaved.

MayNov · 26/09/2024 21:26

You can’t punish a 4 year old for a tantrum, nor can you punish a 4 year old after the event. Out of curiosity why did she need her coat on for the car ride home? I tend to take my toddler’s coat off for car rides, as she overheats easily in her toddler seat.

MayNov · 26/09/2024 21:28

MustWeDoThis · 26/09/2024 17:59

I would make her sit on a naughty step or corner for 5 minutes and explain she is there because violence and screaming is not appropriate. Put her back there and restart the timer every time she moves. Be persistent and at the end ask her if she understands why she was put there, to apologise to you both, then cuddle and tell her you love her.

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Please don’t listen to this.

N4ish · 26/09/2024 21:29

MustWeDoThis · 26/09/2024 17:59

I would make her sit on a naughty step or corner for 5 minutes and explain she is there because violence and screaming is not appropriate. Put her back there and restart the timer every time she moves. Be persistent and at the end ask her if she understands why she was put there, to apologise to you both, then cuddle and tell her you love her.

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Complete overreaction when dealing with a tiny child overwhelmed and tired after a day at their new school. Why make such a big deal about it? No need to punish or have long conversations or apologies.

Fivebyfive2 · 26/09/2024 21:31

Mamabear04 · 25/09/2024 15:48

Surely she needs a consequence for that kind of behaviour though? Otherwise she'll think it OK to behave like that again?

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Just coming out from school (I assume just started reception) just walk home. If she doesn't wear a coat the "consequence" is, she gets cold and the coat is available if required. The playground directly at pick up is not a time or place for "stand offs" - just have a snack and a hug ready and get going!

Angrywife · 26/09/2024 21:43

She's 5.
She felt some big emotions she didn't have the vocabulary to express. If you believe your daughter is clever enough to behave better than that, you're in for a rude awakening.
Your DH dealt with the situation in the way he felt best at the time, don't over-rule him now.
And to reiterate what others have said, don't issue punishments after an event, it's meaningless.

Maybe some parenting classes would help

laraitopbanana · 27/09/2024 05:51

Hi op,

gentle hug 🌺 we want our kiddos to only be seen at their best :)
the school would be used to it and really look at the reaction of parents. Your dp nailed it so really no worry.
for her. No consequences, teache. Tell her that it is autom’ and so she needs to dress up accordingly even when sun out. She needs to come out of door ready to go home, with cardigan/coat on and bag on shoulder or hand.

good luck🌺

Stolengoat · 27/09/2024 08:16

Notdeckingthehalls · 25/09/2024 15:47

Give her a cuddle, a drink and a snack.

Tell DH not to make her put her coat on. Some times they’re just not from running around.

Yes, rewarding bad behaviour is answer 🙄

mondayawoos · 27/09/2024 08:44

laraitopbanana · 27/09/2024 05:51

Hi op,

gentle hug 🌺 we want our kiddos to only be seen at their best :)
the school would be used to it and really look at the reaction of parents. Your dp nailed it so really no worry.
for her. No consequences, teache. Tell her that it is autom’ and so she needs to dress up accordingly even when sun out. She needs to come out of door ready to go home, with cardigan/coat on and bag on shoulder or hand.

good luck🌺

What makes you think OP wants a gentle hug? 🌺 Maybe it’s just me, but I really cringe when people write like this. OP asked for advice not gentle hugs.

WorldMap24 · 27/09/2024 09:11

Deverthing · 25/09/2024 17:58

But didn’t dh already address it at school? Why does mum have to address it again when they get home?

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Did he deal with it at school though? The child hurt their father and he spoke 'quietly and firmly'. I'm guessing to get out of there quick with a screaming toddler too there was nothing in depth about expectation, or the fact he was hurt. It was probably a simple 'put your coat on now, we're going home' which really doesn't deal with the issue at all. Not saying he was wrong, just that it needs to be talked about with the kid properly when they aren't in the comedown of a tantrum with a screeching toddler in the background

Tiswa · 27/09/2024 09:38

@NQOCDarling yiu think a cuddle is a reward? Affection should never been used as a reward or withdrawal as a punishment

mondayawoos · 27/09/2024 09:43

MustWeDoThis · 26/09/2024 17:59

I would make her sit on a naughty step or corner for 5 minutes and explain she is there because violence and screaming is not appropriate. Put her back there and restart the timer every time she moves. Be persistent and at the end ask her if she understands why she was put there, to apologise to you both, then cuddle and tell her you love her.

Show quote history

OP advice like this is batshit crazy. And abusive.

Sometimesright · 27/09/2024 10:17

Tulips543 · 25/09/2024 15:46

I would consider this dealt with and move on.

Me too! Pick your fights. She is almost 5. Tired probably hungry and everyone in the school ground has been there and done that! If she is now fine why remind her?

Proudofmynane · 27/09/2024 12:25

My DD was the same about wearing the coat or even her cardi. It wasn't untill I went to a little class show, that I realised how roasting hot the classroom actually was!! It can't be healthy, and is obviously how one kid sneezes and they all get a cold. Your DD is probably tired, hungry and boiled alive. I second talking to her about what happened, but also remember that your wee one is 4 years old!! Shes dealing with a lot of new stuff too. If it keeps happening, have a check with her teacher to make sure nothing else is going on!!

Arran2024 · 27/09/2024 13:16

MustWeDoThis · 26/09/2024 17:59

I would make her sit on a naughty step or corner for 5 minutes and explain she is there because violence and screaming is not appropriate. Put her back there and restart the timer every time she moves. Be persistent and at the end ask her if she understands why she was put there, to apologise to you both, then cuddle and tell her you love her.

Show quote history

Seriously? Hours after the event? That is called escalation and is the last thing anyone should be doing. Why not just talk to her about it in a nice calm voice? Why do you need a naughty step? Did your parents use this technique?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/09/2024 14:29

A good way is to say for next time, if it happens again, she's not allowed xyz.
So when she starts, whoever picks her up can remind her.
Be consistent and don't back down.
After a few meltdowns, she'll realise there's no point and hopefully be ok.

Not having consequences for bad behaviour leads to what society had become.
Start them young as it's possible to discipline and be loving.

MrsSunshine2b · 27/09/2024 15:08

She's recently started school where for the first time ever she has to follow directions as part of a group every day for an entire week.

Then DH decided that he was in charge of deciding if she was cold or not.

I would have lost it too.

MrsSunshine2b · 27/09/2024 15:11

Mamabear04 · 25/09/2024 16:34

I don't live in England and the country I live in is much colder atm (below 10°). She has been at school now for around 6 weeks. Whoever picks her up always brings a snack and usually a nice little treat at that. I get that they are tired and emotional but I absolutely think having that level of tantrum is not on. I absolutely believe she is old enough and clever enough to understand that that isn't how she should behave. We talk to her all the time about using her words etc instead of screaming and she knows that we are open to talking about something and letting certain things give if she explains why. She didnt do that though and i absolutely will not stand hitting or kicking. I'd be happy to let her get cold but tbh I don't want another sick child. It's that time of year when all the bugs are brewing and I don't want anything to make us more ill than need be. From a practical point of view I've eneded up in hospital because of the kids viruses that have triggered my asthma and I need to be on form to keep the ship running.

Getting cold doesn't have any relationship with getting ill.

Original poster

Mamabear04 · 27/09/2024 17:02

So just for reference, I did not punish DD for having big emotions. I was angry when I posted and I needed a sounding board. I waited until DP was out of his meeting to get more details about what happened and then I let him talk to her about what happened. We agreed that the consequence was that she had to put on her cardigan, she said sorry for accidentally kicking DP and we spoke to her about looking after her things, that kicking her bag and throwing it on the ground wasn't doing that. She very much wants a new hat and we told her that we will only think about buying her it until she starts looking after her things. Since then she has been putting her bag away in the proper place when she gets home and has not thrown it down or kicked it again. I think it's really unfair for OP to say they feel sorry for how I treat my child or that I need parenting classes.

I do know that not wearing a jacket won't make you unwell BUT my toddler and I have a horrible virus and I suspect DD is probably harbouring a touch of that SO my reasoning is that if she gets a chill from being in a hot classroom and coming out into the cold air then it could cause whatever touch of virus is there to take hold. I don't think it was out of the question to make her wear a cardigan in that situation although I'm sure I'll incur another torrent of lectures about that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamabear04 · 27/09/2024 17:02

So just for reference, I did not punish DD for having big emotions. I was angry when I posted and I needed a sounding board. I waited until DP was out of his meeting to get more details about what happened and then I let him talk to her about what happened. We agreed that the consequence was that she had to put on her cardigan, she said sorry for accidentally kicking DP and we spoke to her about looking after her things, that kicking her bag and throwing it on the ground wasn't doing that. She very much wants a new hat and we told her that we will only think about buying her it until she starts looking after her things. Since then she has been putting her bag away in the proper place when she gets home and has not thrown it down or kicked it again. I think it's really unfair for OP to say they feel sorry for how I treat my child or that I need parenting classes.

I do know that not wearing a jacket won't make you unwell BUT my toddler and I have a horrible virus and I suspect DD is probably harbouring a touch of that SO my reasoning is that if she gets a chill from being in a hot classroom and coming out into the cold air then it could cause whatever touch of virus is there to take hold. I don't think it was out of the question to make her wear a cardigan in that situation although I'm sure I'll incur another torrent of lectures about that.

OP posts:

MrsSunshine2b · 27/09/2024 17:05

Mamabear04 · 27/09/2024 17:02

So just for reference, I did not punish DD for having big emotions. I was angry when I posted and I needed a sounding board. I waited until DP was out of his meeting to get more details about what happened and then I let him talk to her about what happened. We agreed that the consequence was that she had to put on her cardigan, she said sorry for accidentally kicking DP and we spoke to her about looking after her things, that kicking her bag and throwing it on the ground wasn't doing that. She very much wants a new hat and we told her that we will only think about buying her it until she starts looking after her things. Since then she has been putting her bag away in the proper place when she gets home and has not thrown it down or kicked it again. I think it's really unfair for OP to say they feel sorry for how I treat my child or that I need parenting classes.

I do know that not wearing a jacket won't make you unwell BUT my toddler and I have a horrible virus and I suspect DD is probably harbouring a touch of that SO my reasoning is that if she gets a chill from being in a hot classroom and coming out into the cold air then it could cause whatever touch of virus is there to take hold. I don't think it was out of the question to make her wear a cardigan in that situation although I'm sure I'll incur another torrent of lectures about that.

None of that is a thing though, viruses don't take hold because of your body temperature. It was a pointless fight to get into for DH. If you've just come out of a stuffy, hot room into fresh air and then start walking briskly, do you feel the need for another layer? I go for a jog a few times a week in leggings and a vest top, even when it's raining. The exercise is enough to keep you warm.

MissyB1 · 27/09/2024 18:34

Just on the subject of viruses and cold temperatures, there is some evidence that prolonged exposure to cold or damp can lower the immune system, thus making a person more susceptible to virus /infection. But that's more likely to be someone living in cold or damp circumstances.

ANGIEPANGY77 · 27/09/2024 19:00

No lecture from this corner. I think you and DP perfectly handled the situation.

DeccaM · 27/09/2024 19:14

I wouldn't worry about the incident any more if I were you. It's water under the bridge now. She apologised, that seems like the best outcome. Like other PPs, I don't see the point in insisting she wear a cardigan or jacket. Will you continue to do that? Why not let her make that decision and allow her a bit of autonomy?

Arran2024 · 27/09/2024 19:37

Mamabear04 · 27/09/2024 17:02

So just for reference, I did not punish DD for having big emotions. I was angry when I posted and I needed a sounding board. I waited until DP was out of his meeting to get more details about what happened and then I let him talk to her about what happened. We agreed that the consequence was that she had to put on her cardigan, she said sorry for accidentally kicking DP and we spoke to her about looking after her things, that kicking her bag and throwing it on the ground wasn't doing that. She very much wants a new hat and we told her that we will only think about buying her it until she starts looking after her things. Since then she has been putting her bag away in the proper place when she gets home and has not thrown it down or kicked it again. I think it's really unfair for OP to say they feel sorry for how I treat my child or that I need parenting classes.

I do know that not wearing a jacket won't make you unwell BUT my toddler and I have a horrible virus and I suspect DD is probably harbouring a touch of that SO my reasoning is that if she gets a chill from being in a hot classroom and coming out into the cold air then it could cause whatever touch of virus is there to take hold. I don't think it was out of the question to make her wear a cardigan in that situation although I'm sure I'll incur another torrent of lectures about that.

Tbf the name of this thread says it all - you initially wanted to give her a consequence, you just werent sure which. Glad to see you just spoke to her instead.

Blades2 · 28/09/2024 13:07

She’s not yet 5, this is how they test boundaries, my kids hated jackets and jumpers and to be quite honest, as a single mum, I didn’t have the energy to fight that battle, we got some looks alright but I know they had their winter woolies to hand!