What is a reasonable consequence for this behaviour?

[Mamabear04]

DP picks DD up from school, she's a month shy of 5 years old. It's cold and she comes out with no jumper or jacket on. DP says she needs to put at least one on for the walk home. DD screams in an all out tantrum, throws bag on the ground, goes to kick the bag but kicks DP hand instead then continues with meltdown. Toddler is screaming now in buggy and DP speaks quietly but firmly, helps her on with jacket and then gets both kids home. DP works from home and has gone back to work (into a meeting). What would you give is a consequence to this behaviour? For context DD was upset about having to put on jacket/jumper but also because DP picked her up and not me (I'm having problems with my asthma and he took a break from work to help me get a rest as I've been looking after our sick toddler all day). I feel so incredibly embarrassed that the whole school saw how she behaved.

Pick your battles. Not wearing a coat will not make her ill. Let her choose.

She's five. They are often absolutely shattered at the end if the school day and don't always contain their emotions well.

Also she is the best judge of her body temperature and if she didn't feel she needed a coat you didn't need to insist. Let her get cool and put it on then (obviously in mild autumn weather not sleet this applies).

Don't be embarrassed! She's five and loads of kids are fried when they come out of school, anyone thinking anything other than 'glad it's not my turn today' is in la la land.

If you come back to this issue at all, and at five o wouldn't bother she won't recall the details clearly enough to take any lesson away from raking over it, it would be to say, let's try to be patient with each other. Shouting isn't nice. Next time I'll let you decide if you wear a coat (encouraging body autonomy is good!) but if I do insist it will be for a good reason, like we have a long cold walk home. Then share a hug.

I'm speechless by this thread. Tantrums like this are not ok for a 5 year old, just because they don't want to do something they're told to do.

OP I do believe in one dog, one bone, so however DP dealt with it he's done it, it's not really for you to then and impose punishment later, he needs to say it at the time.
When mine were little, if they were with GP or aunts and uncles, and they misbehaved and were told off (which I had no issue with them doing) then I didn't later tell them off or punish, because one dog, one bone.

To be clear, I wasn't implying she should listen to any adult, but she should listen to her father. That's not controversial

Reception age children do not laugh at other kids for being upset, don't be ridiculous

And she did listen to her father, because he got her coat on eventually and got everyone home safe.

It's on daddy to manage her behaviour when he's in charge.

From being little I told my daughter she makes her choices and faces the consequences, obviously not for serious important decisions One day we were going out and I asked her to.put her coat on because it was cold, she said 'no, I choose to be cold' I said ok because I knew what would happen, as soon as we were out of the door she said 'I choose to put my coat on now'😅 and she did, no hassle. I wouldn't have insisted that a tired 5 year old did anything unless it was really important, a very wise friend once told 'pick your battles' very sage advice.

Yes, definitely! But you teach children about feelings and acceptable behaviours, age appropriately and over their whole childhoods, at times when they are calm and receptive. The middle of a meltdown isn't the right time for that conversation.

I would parent according to what's best for the child, and not out of fear of judgement.

And I don't say that glibly - my entire upbringing was based on my parents' fear that they would be judged, rather than my wellbeing. It's not good.

If she’s a bright child talk to her about and reinforce the expectations. In my experience of teenage dc and teenage dc’s friends, it’s the ones with strict parents who use punishment that are now sneaking around doing stuff behind their parents backs.

Never said it wasn't on her father to manage the incident. Just if OP wants to say something, I'd reinforce the need to listen to Daddy and not have a tantrum.

OP asked about how to address it this evening though, not in the middle of a tantrum. I never said that the conversation should be had in the middle of a tantrum.

Seriously? She is 4!!
She’s probably shattered settling into school. I’d have taken mine home and made sure she was cosy and warm.

She shouldn’t be given any consequences because you were embarrassed. It’s part of being a parent. Maybe it’s time to care less about image.

Kids at that age are generally hungry, tired and grumpy.

Id make sure in future to bring a snack for immediately giving them at pick up, and its not the time to start enforcing jumpers.

How do you know how your teenagers friends were parented as young children? How many teenagers are you basing this off?

I had lots of freedom and definitely sneaked behind my parents back as a teenager; smoking, sex, drinking - all the normal stuff that of course I wasn't going to publicise to my parents. My best friends parents were strict and she sneaked too! It was what we all did, upbringing irrelevant. The common denominator is we were all raised in loving households.

Yes, I think she will OP. Cuddles, snacks and endless understanding are very rewarding responses to bad behaviour and a poor deterrent to repeat performances. Personally I'd go with a firm talking to about how we can't go around lashing out and kicking things as we might damage them and hurt people, like she hurt daddy's hand. If there appeared to be an acceptance of that then I'd let it go with an apology for kicking daddy. I do agree about picking battles though. Unless a thing really matters I'd not insist, so if she said she didn't want to wear the jacket I'd have let that go before it escalated.

School is overwhelming, she needed an outlet for her emotions and that was it. When our kids have their moments we talk to them about their feelings and alternative ways to deal with those.

OP, she’s not even five - any sanction needed to be immediate. The moment has passed - all you can do is to say tomorrow that she needs to be wearing her coat before you can go home.

Just leave it.

Are you actually looking for a reason to punish her?

Agreed, and another time, don’t make a fuss about coats. Young children often don’t want them even when it strikes adults as certainly cold enough. My Gds (8) can very rarely be persuaded but it’s never done him any harm.

Sakes alive. I want to have a tantrum now from reading all that and I'm 45. Unclench, OP.

This is about your embarrassment, not her wellbeing. I would gently suggest you look into why this situation has set off such a disproportionate reaction.

She'd just finished school; that's a lot for some children, often they've been 'stuffing' feelings all day long and need to vent. Poor wee thing.

I'd sit her down with you and talk about what happened and how that is not the way to act towards anyone. Make it age appropriate.

And why? You're easily put off aren't you?!

Why should she have to put her coat/jumper on if she's already comfortable? Kids aren't going to die from walking home from school with no coat on. It's one of the many battles that just are not worth it.