What is a reasonable consequence for this behaviour?

[Mamabear04]

DP picks DD up from school, she's a month shy of 5 years old. It's cold and she comes out with no jumper or jacket on. DP says she needs to put at least one on for the walk home. DD screams in an all out tantrum, throws bag on the ground, goes to kick the bag but kicks DP hand instead then continues with meltdown. Toddler is screaming now in buggy and DP speaks quietly but firmly, helps her on with jacket and then gets both kids home. DP works from home and has gone back to work (into a meeting). What would you give is a consequence to this behaviour? For context DD was upset about having to put on jacket/jumper but also because DP picked her up and not me (I'm having problems with my asthma and he took a break from work to help me get a rest as I've been looking after our sick toddler all day). I feel so incredibly embarrassed that the whole school saw how she behaved.

I let my kids decide whether to wear their coats or not.

Also make sure you take a snack and drink when you pick them up, to perk them up, ahead of walking home.

No one ever got a virus from being cold and wet…..that’s not how they are passed on

OP you are writing as if she did it on purpose. She didn't do it on purpose. She reacted as a symptom of how overwhelmed she felt at the time. She was having a hard time not trying to give him a hard time. She will learn emotional regulation in time as long as she isn't shamed or punished for her emotions. Yes you can discuss how we don't hit or kick daddy and what she could do instead but a punishment (which is what you mean by consequence) is really not necessary.

"Old enough and clever enough" has nothing to do with emotional regulation.

And being cold for a short while does not make you ill.

Yep…. Definitely a snack

Its a way for her to learn consequences. Don't put your jacket on - you'll feel cold.
It won't give her a virus by the way.

I would steer clear of telling your small children they need to blindly do as they are told by adults, that's probably not a great lesson or implying that she will be ostracised by her friends for showing her emotions like "a silly baby"

I'd probably speak to her if she is calm and say that I understand she was feeling overwhelmed (or whatever she was feeling) but it's very difficult for Dp (I assume her dad but could just be mums boyfriend) to help you when you are shouting. Maybe suggest some ways she could try and regulate herself next time, make sure you and dp know this so can remind and implement and then just move on. She's a little kid, she got over emotional... what good would come from punishing her?

OP: I get that they are tired and emotional but I absolutely think having that level of tantrum is not on. I absolutely believe she is old enough and clever enough to understand that that isn't how she should behave.

She probably does understand it. But in that moment, she lost control. She wasn't tantrumming as a deliberate choice – she literally couldn't help herself. You can't expect a four-year-old to stop and say to herself, "Ah yes, I'd better calm down now, take a deep breath and use my words like Mummy told me to." They just don't have that level of maturity.

In those moments when she can't help herself, she needs help from you (or DP, or the teacher, or whoever) to regulate her feelings and get herself under control. Help, not punishment.

Give her a hug.

Next time, let her get cold. You don't get colds from getting cold. You do learn to layer up instead of not wearing enough clothes however.

I think it's fine to have a chat with her about it after the fact, once she's calmed down. Discuss how that's not an acceptable way to deal with our feelings etc. But it's not deserving of punishment imo (and I would consider myself a strict parent).

I absolutely believe she is old enough and clever enough to understand that that isn't how she should behave.

She isn’t. And even if she was she knows, as you say, she shouldn’t. Doesn’t mean she wouldn’t.

Sometimes I wonder if some parents have forgotten that their children are not mini adults. I feel for your child OP, just give her a bloody break.

Agreed. And she didn't mean to kick her dad, that part was an accident.

She's not in control of her behaviour when she's feeling like that.

Another crap advice.

TBH I don't feel the cold and I def would not die on this hill.

If she doesn't wear a coat then she will face the natural consequences and feel the cold.

I would also just leave it for now and maybe in a quiet moment just talk about how to do it differently next time.

A tired and emotional toddler is not a rational adult.

She is 4. She cannot regulate her emotions all the time. Neither can you or I. We as adults however we are more developed and have a much better handle on things and the emotional maturity that any 4 year old simply could not possess, however clever they may be. She was not being manipulative, she was over saturated. Also, from your OP is appeared she was venting by kicking her bag and your husbands hand got in the way - that’s a big difference between deliberately trying to assault your husband and trying to regulate their frustration.

You're coming at the consequence too late, the consequence for refusing a coat is being cold. I never forced DS and he'd get cold pretty quickly and ask for it

consequence? she put6 it on-albeit against her will.
i get that dh was probably flustered/embaarassed and the toddler also yell added to it.
but. its done.
maybe a chat bout not doing the noise and nonsense .

Also you don't get a cold from being cold

Never punish a child because you're embarrassed. And I would say if they don't want a coat on that's fine. Getting chilly is not going to do them any harm. "OK, it's here in the buggy if you want it."

Maybe a chat at bed time. "It's a shame the trip home was a bit horrible. Let's have a better day tomorrow-and all have a big hug now"

Crikey, the number of parents who would move on without addressing this is madness! No wonder so many kids are so entitled nowadays. I would be having words about how her behaviour wasn't appropriate, and how she should have handled it instead. I wouldn't punish this time but give her consequences for if it happens again

First post nailed it

Just move on

You are misusing the word consequence. You are really asking folks on the internet for punishments. The consequence for either wearing or not wearing a coat is the same, your body may or may not be at an ambient temperature.

Also, her father dealt with the issue how he saw fit and you are seeking to undermine him as you feel there should have been more of a punishment. You stated your reaction is being driven by embarrassment, so maybe consider if further punishment is really about her actions.

She's 5. They have tantrums. He dealt with it then and there. Move on. I'd not have bothered about the coat tbh. If they're cold, they'll put it on.

Explain to me how:

A) telling a child to do as her parent tells her and

B) explaining that her behaviour will be viewed as silly by her peers

Is bad advice?

Should we lie to children or let them think they can behave how they like with no implications on how they are perceived?

No wonder behaviour is so concerning in schools if telling children about the consequences of their actions is a bad thing.

I think DP handled it just fine. Personally I would have a conversation once home and calm about not kicking out when you get upset/angry as you can accidentally hurt people - and say it might be nice to say sorry to dad as that's what we do if we do accidentally hurt someone.

If she kicked out in anger at school and accidentally kicked another child then it wouldn't be acceptable, so no matter the 'big feelings brigade' it needs discussing IMO.