To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

Tbh at 5ft 2 and 12.5 stone i doubt she was actually a 14 before going away. Im several inches taller than that and about that weight and 14s are extremely tight on me.
Is it possible OP that really she was already more like a 16, but wearing stuff like joggers with a stretchy waistband?

She was obese before she went to uni and is now morbidly obese

When you went with her to the medical appointment where she was weighed didn't the doctor say anything to her ?

Very different to a girl who started obese and then gained weight rapidly.

I went from a size 10 to 14/16 at uni. It all dropped off the year I graduated. Although now after two kids I’m back to 16/18. I’m really glad my parents never said anything. I knew my lifestyle was unhealthy, them saying anything absolutely wouldn’t have helped or changed things as I was happy with my lifestyle at the time, it would have just caused resentment. My mum probably still worries about me now as I am obese but has the sense not to say anything, if I could lose the weight I would!

At the DD's height it is (I don't mean it judgementally, as I said that's my size), she was already obese before the weight gain.

A fresher's 15 from one healthy weight to another healthy weight is a very normal thing. Gaining 4 dress sizes and going from obese to morbidly obese (I'm guessing) is very different and I do think that's a point where OP will need to at least try and help.

Yes. It’s the cheap upf-laden food and alcohol that does it.

It's a very difficult one to navigate.
My DD put on 2 and a half stone in total over her years at Uni so I completely understand your concerns. She had the typical drinking/going out lifestyle at Uni wich definitely didn't help but now she's beginning to lose the weight she's talked about how difficult it is to remain an active healthy lifestyle whilst at Uni due to exams, assignments and all of that! We spoke about it and shared that all of her friends too gained weight during Uni so your DD is not alone.
Maybe speak to your DH again about it and explain why you are concerned about DD and create an open conversation with her when she's next home?
It's a tricky one OP but I'm sure you'll support her however you can 💐

It's a tricky one as yes, she's an adult and can do whatever she pleases.
But that is a lot of weight to gain in a year or so.

It might be worth having a chat about her wellbeing generally. Often weight gain can be as a result of stress, or depression or anxiety.

Or perhaps she's just partying too hard.

Can she cook, and do you model healthy cooking and healthy eating at home?

Does she know how to make cheap, nutritious meals that are both quick and tasty?

Does she have access to affordable exercise options - be that joining a uni sports team, or a gym, or whatever. If she's struggling financially, could you subsidise a membership for the uni gym or similar?

Do you model healthy habits, such as regular exercise (in whatever form), yoga, meditation, gardening etc.?

It's one thing to notice her weight and be concerned, but if she doesn't have tools in her arsenal to help her live healthily, if she doesn't see the rest of her family living healthily - and if she isn't fully aware about the wider effect of a poor diet and lack of exercise then I can understand why she's spiralled weight wise.

I'd strongly recommend you frame your conversation not around body size but around health and fitness. Even better if you and the rest of the family go on a 'health kick' and encourage her to join in. Saying you're concerned about her weight runs the risk of sounding really superficial, but if you talk about exercise, wellbeing and healthy eating then it's much more helpful in opening up a proper conversation about what's going on.

And no, not everyone gains weight at uni. I've always struggled with my weight but I lost a lot of weight at uni because I got really into a couple of sports and I was cycling/walking everywhere rather than taking the bus plus I was absolutely flat broke so lived off lentils and the runty-looking veg from the market.

Tbh she knows she is obese. She can’t not. You can absolutely be concerned about it and I would be too. However, what good will it do to raise it with her? As I said, she knows. She will have bought the size 22 clothes herself. If you tell her she’s gained weight it just means that she will lack the sense of safety she feels at home.
I wonder if all the people who say you should say something to her think that she doesn’t know how big she is.

I'd be concerned if it keeps on increasing at that rapid rate, definitely. Several stone in a year is a lot. But she must know what she's doing. Her eating and drinking must have increased a lot. Maybe she used to exercise but that's now gone out the window? I guess you could see if she wants to do a healthy hobby with you like swimming, hiking, or gym?

Yeah possibly, she's always tended to wear a lot of leggings etc and still does. The size 22 stuff i've seen when doing the washing was a pair of jeans and a dress.

Not unreasonable. She hasn’t just gained a few pounds, she must have gained a good 3-4 stone to go up 4 dress sizes and it’s such a short space of time. I would say it’s natural to gain some weight if she’s drinking a lot and living off junk food but that’s an astronomical amount.

You will need to be delicate in your approach but I do think you should mention it. She may well be depressed and comfort eating.

It is difficult and as a parent, you cannot win. If you say something she'll blame you for making her feel worse, if you don't you may get blamed for not helping.

To be size 22 and such rapid weight gain means she already has an eating disorder, but only she can address it.

Perhaps when she is ready she can try some of the injections, as it is hard for her to address without help.

In what way?

There's been a few posts about encouraging healthy eating habits and trying to see if she'll be more active.

It is hard because she lives away so its really up to her what she eats but she did go away last year with some cookbooks on easy meals, and she can cook a bit. I think the issue is probably that shes just not.

She's not joined any sports societies at uni (that i know of) and isnt generally very active. I think i said above, the extra weight now is definitely noticeable in her fitness levels. A group of us did a sponsored walk in the village over the summer and i was surprised at how much she struggled

Would it be too obvious to try get her to sign up for more sponsored walks or 5k’s with you? You could all do it as a family and keep track of your training/progress in a group chat. Doesn’t have to be super formal, focus more on ‘feeling good’ and maybe doing it for charity?

Tbh at 5ft 2 and 12.5 stone i doubt she was actually a 14 before going away. Im several inches taller than that and about that weight and 14s are extremely tight on me.

I'm 5'7" and just over 13 stone and am no more than a 14 and often a 12- body shapes do vary considerably.

My DC (Uni age) got me to the gym with her. She was asking me to go because she was shy to go alone. Got me to spot her on machines, ask me to try them. Actually got me into the pool. Helped me make a big change. We go together, people of all sizes there.

I am fairly certain she was being “shy” to get me to go to the gym.
Now I get her to walk rather than bus … Apple watch and apps are good for reminders and showing improvements