To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

[chillijam23]

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

You are five inches taller. That makes a big difference.

Going against the grain here, I think it might be a good idea to have a chat about her weight gain. Weight being such a taboo subject is a very British thing. In nearly every other culture, they simply say if they're worried about someone gaining weight. Because it's spoken about openly, people are less emotional about it. Here, if you mention weight, it's akin to stabbing someone in the heart! OK, I exaggerate, but you know what I mean.
I have experience. I was a plump teenager. Never huge, but chubby. I ate like a horse. I knew I was plump. I had a mirror. I could see I was bigger than my friends. However, because no one mentioned it, I thought it was all fine. The silence around my weight minimised the issue in my mind. One day, my mum sat me down and said I should try and get my weight gain under control. That I needed to eat more healthily. Yes, I was mortified! In my mind, fat equalled ugly and bad. But I knew my mum loved me deeply and was a very sensible woman. I knew if she was worried, there must be something to worry about. It was at that point that I stopped the mindless snacking, I stopped having a second dinner before bed. The weight fell off.
Sometimes, I really think you need a pep talk from your mum to see things differently. It may hurt, but you know it comes from a place of love.

I was a fat child, anorexic teenager and put on a lot of weight once at Uni.

I have to say that never once did anyone going on about my weight help at all, even slightly.

It can be slightly different if a young adult knows that it is coming from a place of love, but she's likely to be suffering from some low self-worth issues already 1) to put on so much weight (eating disorder) 2)as a result of it.

Saying something will not help. She knows what size clothes she fits into and what she looks like. Unconditional love, kindness and fostering a very open and loving, close relationship is the only thing that can help.

Putting on weight once at uni is very common. Very common doesn't mean it happens to everyone of course, but it is common. However this sounds like a huge amount. Although I do think OP may have underestimated how large her DD was before.

I think there’s definitely a difference between “all students gain a bit of weight at uni” and going up four dress sizes in less than a year. Especially at her height.

I am sure she knows that she has gained weight but that is an unhealthy amount in such a short amount of time - there might be an underlying cause beyond takeaways and beer. She might need a bit of a blunt conversation to fix the problem.

Does she know how to cook properly? Does she exercise? I remember when I went to university, I was learning how to cook for myself for the first time and ate loads of pasta bakes, curries etc. I found that it wasn’t until I started tracking calories years later that I realised how many calories were in a jar of sauce etc. Most people underestimate their intake.

Agree that’s a really unusual amount of weight gain in a short timeframe.. I’d be asking if she has any other health problems? Because could be another factor surely with that difference. Also wondered if she had started a different contraception could be hormones etc. I won’t be popular on here but at that size I would probably speak to my own child because it has serious health implications.

I know you are. But a lot of men wouldn’t be: they’d be launching in about her appearance.

To which I would add that if weight loss were as simple as people commenting on it to make them “ wake up and lose it” there would be a lot of very thin people. I don’t think he’s wrong in realising commenting won’t fix it. Do you honestly think a university candidate can’t work out if they have put on a couple of stone?

It’s very difficult for the parents to get it right.

Yanbu but it's a hard one to navigate.

Not in person but see photos on social media of her with her uni mates and one has also put on a noticeable amount of weight (she was already quite big) and another too but she was very skinny before.

Could this be a good opportunity to open the discussion? If you are active as a family - hike, bike or walk together at her weight she will be struggling. She's still very young so it is a serious health concern.

Yes we are generally quite active (me DH and other DD), bike rides and things

Going from a size 14 to a 20 is not the 'freshman 15', that's around 7kg. I'm 10kg heavier from my ideal weight after pregnancy and I still fit into a lot of my old clothes and have gone up one dress size in more fitted items. I'd imagine she's gained at least 30kg for such a clothing size increase, which would be the 'freshman 65'.

He wasn't on the sponsored walk we did but he did meet us at the end so saw her then.

And yes, we did go away together on holiday

How do you know that she knows she has gained weight? Sometimes people don't realize it or realize how bad it is. Sometimes people need loved ones to nudge and push them. I don't mean OP should be insulting her or being mean etc but you can also handle it delicately to let her know that amount of weight in such a short amount of time is unhealthy and see if she wants support or guidance etc instead of burying your head in the sand and taking the easy way out.

What is she trying to say achieve? maybe help her daughter and provide support and guidance to live a healthier and more balanced life? It's not that hard to figure out.

Are you really going to suggest that putting that much weight on one year is fine and there's no reason to be concerned?

My s flatmates all put on weight whilst at uni, if she isn’t bothered don’t let it come between u.

We went to spain on an all inclusive, she did eat quite a lot, and drink too. She was in the pool a lot yes and not covered up, she was wearing two-piece swimsuits.

I guess he would've done when we were on days out etc and there was walking involved, or when my sister brought her DD and she was playing in the garden with her. I certainly noticed it then

How do you know that she knows she has gained weight? Sometimes people don't realize it or realize how bad it is

That was like me. In my head I was slim, because I had always been slim. It was after seeing some photos taken on a Med holiday that the penny finally dropped.

Your daughter will probably lose the weight next year.
Commend her for coping well away from home and, in the mean time, ask her permission to borrow some of her old clothing sitting home in her wardrobe.

She may be an adult but she is still her daughter. I don't get this mumsnet narrative of never having any difficult conversations with your children. Having sometimes difficult conversations doesn't mean you don't love each other or you stop being family.